There should be a discussion with Heather about appropriate boundaries in dealing with her family. If she is giving them money without her husband’s agreement, she is clearly out of line. She and her husband need to discuss how and under what circumstances, they may be willing to help out her family. Handing out money to financially irresponsible relatives does not help them.

Not sure if the wife is completely vested in the couples’ financial success. Does she not feel they have earned the TV’s and trips? Does she feel guilty that they have stuff, and aleviates that feeling by giving the $$ away to family members who might otherwise be spiteful and jealous? Sounds like she is not vested in the process of earning, and therefore does not feel entitled to what they have earned (whether she works or not, the couple earns the money together). She needs to be asked to think about what the couple does (works) and sacrifices (time, etc) to earn their perks, and stop giving them away becaue she feels they are not deserving, or that her family will not love her if she does not pay them to.

Husband talk to your wife. And be SPECIFIC about a plan for dealing with money. Ask Heather for her input. Then agreed together to stick to the plan. Husband does not say that he objects to the in-laws about giving them money. Ask wife if she needs Husband to be the strong one and tell in-laws that you will not give them any more money.

I don’t work and haven’t for many years. I tend to the finances and periodically give my husband updates. We set goals (saving for a house, tuition, retirement… and if I feel we can’t meet them I inform him. We then re-think how to reach the goals, as well as, take a closer look at our spending. Neither of us is ever mean to the other over money. He makes a decent living and we made the decision 13 years ago to not fight about money.

I would suggest giving Heather an allowance. If she wants to spend it on her shiftless family, fine. But she doesn’t get more if she hands it all out to the beggars.

Even if you both work, you should be on the same page when it comes to large amounts.

I agree with Gary that you need to share more with your wife, not less. And just say NO! to the relatives.

Hal, how do you know that she’s just a silly little wife sitting at home? And it’s his right not to be crossed? Wow.

So…wife tells the relatives you just bought a big-screen TV, and the relatives tell you that you need to give/loan them money. The problem isn’t your wife, it’s the horrific relatives who would have the gall to do such a thing. Here’s a thought: when these human sponges ask you for money, tell them “no.” Tell them long and loud and firmly and tell it to them EVERY time they request your “help.” Eventually they’ll get the message.

Dad had a neat saying when my sister and I were pre-teenagers: Poverty
begins at home ! !.There’s a mooch
it seems like in every family.

The major reason for divorce is money.
2nd cause of divorce is family.Heather is batting a 1,000.% .

Sharon, I agree with all your comments except the part where you say “talking about divorce is childish”. What do you propose instead when one partner REFUSES to communicate and CONTINUES to lie and hide things?

Start lying to your wife and you’re just trading one problem for another.

Tell your wife that it makes you uncomfortable when family (hers or yours) shows up with their hands out. Further, you’ve made it clear to your family that you’re uncomfortable with handouts, and you’d like her to make that clear to hers. If she’s unwilling, you may just have to do it yourself. It will be unpleasent, but in the long run you’ll be happy you did it.

Wow! I can’t believe some of the “advice” I’ve read here. … As most marriage counselors will tell you ,the cause of most divorces is a lack of communication about finances. The way to improve communication is to actually COMMUNICATE.
Money in marriage is an ours conversation.
Both partners need to sit down and create a budget; they need to agree on all spending decisions. The only exception is a “blow fund” that each partner has with a set limit.
Talking about divorce, trading her in, etc. is just childish.

I’m having a similar problem with my significant other; however, he is the one blabbing–not me. I was raised not to ask for hand-outs, yet he views it as completely acceptable for his family to ask for thousands over the span of a few months. I’m in school right now (so no full time job), and money is tight. Yet, he’ll dip into my school funds or give his relatives money before our bills are paid for the month. These folks have no budgeting habits, yet I’m pinching pennies to put food on the table, no tv, etc., and he does not mind. Maybe it’s his paycheck currently, but it is our money. He cannot get a handle on saying no to his family — for some reason we are paying for his brother and girlfriend to go on vacation right now, which I would not have known about if I didn’t see the invoice. I saw smaller signs of this when I first met him, and I never assumed it would get this bad. If she is not willing to change her ways, either learn to deal with it or hide the money if you want the marriage to continue. If not, seek professional help or seriously consider a divorce. I’m at the last two options now, I don’t want a relationship built on lies personally, but it’s whatever floats your boat. Good luck with the situation…I really feel for you.

Robert, I can definately sympathize with you. I have experienced something similar, except in my case, my wife lent $15K+, without my knowledge, to her ex-husband! And, to add insult to injury, it was money that she borrowed. Of course, the deadbeat hasn’t paid her back due to his unemployed status, so the loans that she took out continue to accrue interest.

Now, to make matters even more nutty, my wife is in the midst of serious mental health issues and unable to work. As you can imagine, this has just compounded the overall problem even further.

Where I went wrong in my marriage was not demanding full accountability of my wife’s financial situation. I knew she was not good managing her finances, but never would I have imagined she could be so deceiving.

Communication is extremely important between spouses, and if one chooses to hide things, the other should seriously consider divorce. I think about that every day and am not 100% confident that I will be married six months from now.

I’m in the Army and my wife is a Nurse. We make about $80K each and live comfortably, but have large bills. $2600 Mortgage, $1000 daycare and $1200 College tuition.

My brother-in-law has followed my wife around with his hand out waiting for any turn of good fortune for as long as we’ve been married.

When we had some money problems ( I don’t watch every penny my wife spends), I started to look hard at our money. What I found was that I could have been driving a Corvette AND made a nice contribution to my retirment with all the money we’ve “Loaned” the Loser-in-law over the last 10 or so years.

It’s not Heather’s bragging that is the issue and anyone who feels the solution is to either not tell her or make her be quiet about it simply doesn’t grasp the situation.

A little tough love and a whole lot of “No, we WON’T loan you money/pay your mortgage/buy you a new car” will resolve the issue.

And? If Heather won’t get onboard with that? Put her out on the curb, because that’s where the marriage is headed anyway.

Trust me, I know first hand.

Tyler in St. Louis, MO! I love it! My sister and brother-in-law went out and blew through their entire tax return in a matter of days on a flat screen television, an entertainment center, Nintendo Wii (for their 3 and 4 year old kids to enjoy, of course…right), and Guitar Hero as soon as they could physically get their return processed. All the while my sister has told my mom and me, who run our very successful family business that employees both her and her husband, that she would really like to stay at home with the kids when my nephew starts kindegarten and have another child soon. No, my brother-in-law does not make enough money to support her spending habits. Now all of a sudden they are 3 months behind on their house payment, bounced a check for daycare and she is suddenly “ill” and has been off work for the past three weeks…read…she just doesn’t want to work. My mom and my dad have written checks in the past to help pay for their “expenses.” Believe me, I have had more arguments with my parents about letting them learn the consequences of living beyond their means, but to no avail, so I choose to ask not to hear about it. I do understand them wanting to take care of my nephews. Thank goodness my parents have finally smartened up and now purchase grocery store gift cards and write checks directly to daycare for my nephews to be taken care of, but I can gaurantee my sister has been sitting at home while being “ill” dreaming of what they can buy next with their economic “stimulus” checks.

Meanwhile, my other sister and brother-in-law and I are using the money to make extra car payments or house payments to get out of debt faster. Financial stupidity does not run in our family, thank goodness.

Too much horselord can be a bad thing. This is especially true with regards to money. I do agree with the advice given here.

Doug, feel free to keep your mouth shut about what you think you know about American women. Somehow, I’m guessing your mouth is much bigger than your actual knowledge on the subject.

[Let her] … earn some money, and then she can spend it on her family. Keep your money to yourself! Let her work for something!

Johanna…your comments are silly. … Heather needs to keep her trap shut. Plain and simple. She’s obviously not working, has no responsibilities, and blabs her way through life causing considerable suffering for her husband. And a woman no good in the home, is not a good woman. I am sure he is a hard working man, but a woman like her will slowly tear him apart. Re-educate her and make her understand her destructive ways. As the head of your household, it is your right to not be crossed.

Since when does the purchase of a new TV count as such sensitive personal information that it needs to be a carefully guarded secret? And why is everyone so sure that Heather’s family would not keep asking for money even if Heather stopped telling them about said TV purchases?

Talk to her. Be straight forward about what your family goals are for the money. Explain that you want to use your raise to pay off the credit card, put money towards a down payment, save for retirement, etc. If she understands why it matters to not discuss things, then she’s less likely to overshare these things.

Please try to understany WHY your wife shares this information. Is she just proud of you that you got the raise and wants to share the good news? Is she trying to “one up” her siblings by showing that her husband is a better provider or treats her better? Deal with the underlying issue and maybe you can come up with a different way for her to fulfill those needs - unless her family only rates people on money. Even then, maybe you can help her change her perspective - you will not be able to change the whole family.
I am also annoyed that this, and many of the comments, are focusing on the wife. I find the family’s behavior unacceptable too. What makes them think that they have any claim to money earned by someone else? And why do you give it to them? Maybe you need to change your behavior as well. If they need money, give it as a LOAN with specific pay back terms, even if it is just a time frame without interest. They don’t get any more until they pay you back. If they pay you back, then maybe it isn’t so bad to help the family when they need it. But “need” is the operative word and shouldn’t be substituted with “want.”

Your wife has broken her promise to you and cannot keep her big mouth shut (a common problem for most American women).

Your solution is to no longer share information that she is too immature to have. If she continues to act like a child, treat her like a child until she grows up. Unfortunately, if she is like most American women, this will never happen.

Barbara, Springfield MO, thanks for responding seriously to the e-mail. This seems to be a men are from Mars, women are from Venus situation. Men feel betrayed and disrespected when women share family secrets. When my wife tells me someone else’s secrets, I get pissed about the underground womens’ gossip network. I don’t want to hear them, but they are usually wrapped in some sort of request for advice, so I frequently don’t see them coming. Reading these posts, women appear to rationalize that the man didn’t explain his position well enough (this is a recurring problem, so that is not the case), and even so, the need for restraint is assumed to be self-evident (so the men think less of the women for their inability to recognize proper behavior). Also, I don’t buy pride in the husband’s financial achievements as a reason to spill the beans. It’s pure bragging that will only lead to jealousy. Share the pride with the husband, not the neighbors. … Also, I don’t need the neighborhood women to reaffirm my wife’s opinion on a marital disagreement to make her that much more stubborn on a topic of debate.

There are two issues in this situation here: sharing financial information between spouses and sharing it with relatives. I always share financial information with my wife and often we go over our budget and pay bills together. Communication is key and being on the same page with finances will help a marriage greatly. Occasionally, we might share exciting news such as a raise or promotion, but only with my parents, her parents, and my sister to let them know the blessings God has given us. If we choose to be generous and help a family member out, that is a choice. I would help out a family member/relative if they were in dire need and it was due to no fault of their own, but 99% of the time, someone’s financial irresponsibility contributes to their ruin and helping them will only condone such behavior in the future.

This is a respect issue. There’s nothing wrong with discussing personal finances with family if both parties agree to that. However, if one believes that personal finances are personal then their partner should respect that. When did our society decide that personal financial information was to be shared with others, anyway? There is nothing to be gained from this behavior, in my opinion. If one is proud of thier spouse’s contribution to the family situation there are lots of ways to communicate that without detailing dollars and cents. From the article, this doesn’t sound like an issue of “saying NO” but rather an issue of respect for one’s spouse. Refusing to dole out funds to relatives looking for an easy path is a different (and important) issue.

I have the same relatives. I had to tell my mom when she would relay someone’s needs that I cannot be financially responsible for my siblings. During a period I was unemployed, my siblings called constantly asking for money. For a while I would jump to help family, then I thought how rude, when maybe I needed the help [since I had] no job and no family support.

Maybe the wife was brought up to be open with her family, that is not a bad quality - however, I think she needs to learn boundaries…

Maybe sitting her down and having an open and frank discussion about the situation… including that you feel it inappropriate that she discusses your finances..

Explain that this is personal and not for sharing. I have the same problem with my family and point out that we work hard and have skills that are worth something…, and have commitment and financial goals… including savings targets…

Give the in-laws your government stimulus check. The economy will be back on track in a matter of hours.

To Jeff in Baltimore, on the girlfriend code, you might consider that your wife is sharing those juicy details with you as a way of communicating to you what she thinks is good or not good about her own experiences (or what might be good or not good). She’s also seeking assurance that you will react to the story the same way that she did when she first heard it, demonstrating your shared values and validating your relationship.

As for the subject of this article. I tend to agree with the person who said to say that you’re broke - fully lay out your budget, and if you don’t already have a budget, work one out together. Make sure you are fully funding all possible retirement accounts, have your rainy day fund with 6 months of salary, etc. And if you’ve done all that and still have money left over after monthly expenses and savings for future plans, then allocate it accordingly between the two of you for spending money and then she can do with her part as she pleases - spend it on herself, invest it, or give it to relatives. But you both should agree upon what that amount is, and *only* if you don’t need that money for something else. And yes, everytime you get a raise, you should probably revisit the arrangement.

Open and honest communication is the way to go. You may feel like you make enough money not to bother with a budget (and the serious conversation about current and future expenses that has to go with setting up a budget), but it sounds like it would be your best shot at coming to terms with the problem.

And yes, if she doesn’t have as much money to pass out as she used to, then she’ll have to come to terms with saying No. She does need to do it herself, but please help support her by being there for her - it can be hard to say no the first time. And her relatives will likely be more accepting than she thinks they will. Or if not then they’re not worth being close to.

I think you ought to be grateful for a wife who (1). is proud of you and shows off your achievemnts (2). helps others, esp. people in her own family, as charity begins at home. What a nice little woman you have - and you’re upset with it? Perhaps a 23 year old cheapskate who won’t donate $1 to Myanmar, who cheats parking meters, and who eats out with you every day of the week but refuses to pay for her baby brother’s fries when he’s visitng with you guys, would be better?

She may feel uncomfortable having a lot of money when the people around her do not. If you didn’t grow up with much, there can be a guilt trip about not forgetting where you came from.

I know we made our last mortgage payment the same day that Brother-in-law got foreclosed on. Very conflicting emotions.

I tell my immediate family when my husband has gotten a promotion or raise. He tells his family. They’re proud and happy for us, and the situation is the same in reverse.

The problem here is that her relatives are being so rude as to ask for money! (And please note that the writer never said he or his wife actually loaned out money.) I can’t even imagine anyone in my family doing that. However, my husband’s sister (a college student) asked us for help on payments once, a couple years back. His answer - NO! She bought more car than she could afford, and it was her problem to solve, not ours. And somehow she was OK in the end.

They both need to quit being “nice” to their own detriment. Enabling financially irresponsible people hurts both parties involved. Stand up, stop playing the victim, and say NO.

And to everyone with the pathetic “leave your wife” advice - GROW UP. Spouses aren’t pets or accessories!

I agree with Debbie from Marieta, GA. The wife isn’t necessarily immature for sharing financial information with her family, she may just be proud, or at least open. I understand a person’s desire for privacy, but I think being secretive about finances is a recipe for disaster. Besides which, I question the need to hide big purchases like televisions.

I think the poster who suggested being more open about expenses is right on. It’s hard to change your financial mistakes unless you learn what’s really behind them. I imagine that this guy wants to solve his problem with his wife, so I hope he considers a measure less drastic than divorce.

Wow, the bad-advice mafia is out in force tonight.

Oh Hell No!

I have a brother-in-law that had the audacity to move into his mother’s house at 46 years old. He can’t figure out how to make ends meet. He’s a worthless scumbag. Thank God my mother-in-law won’t give him any money - nor will other members of the family, including my wife.

Last summer I paid him $3,000 to paint my house - I bought the paint. It took him a week to do a job that should have taken 3 days.

He actually had the [nerve] to ask for more money after the job was completed. I told him that had he shown up every day on time and worked all day - instead of spending the afternoon at the local Pub — he would have been done in three days.

When family and friends ask you for money, it’s a simple answer. NO! I can’t afford to loan you money I’ll never see again! Oh! Hell No!

I can’t believe some of the sexist comments on this article. Get a new wife in her mid-20s? Gross. Feminism means foregoing responsibility? Please. I wouldn’t be half as responsible if I didn’t realize that as a feminist, I have to take charge of my own life. I can marry, have kids, even stay home with them, but it must be my choice and my responsibility to manage my own life and finances and work together with my husband in doing so. Women can’t be trusted with finances or household decisions because we’re “too emotional”? What century are you living in? Has this not been disproven over and over again? I take it you don’t know the amazing single (and married) women I know who live full lives, rationally organizing and taking care of their work and finances while somehow managing to be warm and wonderful people. I’m sorry that this particular man has a wife with a big mouth and a hard time saying no. I agree that the main issue is to practice saying “no” to the relatives. But I can’t believe we haven’t moved beyond the sort of misogyny I’m seeing here.

Best thing we did when we got sick of relatives coming to us, palms up: we called them all and said that they had 3 months to pay us back all the money we had loaned them over the last 2 or 3 years. If they chose not to or couldn’t pay it all, after that 3 month grace period was up we would start charging 18% like any other creditor.

They paid up and stopped coming back for more. Tell your wife (who is bragging because of how successful you are, I’m sure) that from now on, if she wants to loan out your hard-earned cash, the borrowers need to sign an IOU and pay interest …. I’m sure they’ll stop coming.

What you need to do is exactly what he said, sit her down and tell her to stop her immature behavior. Never keep secrets from your wife/husband. When you married you became one. Just because one person handles the finances doesnt make him/her the boss. You are a couple and need to make decisions regarding money as a couple. Tell her to stop dishing your finances to other relatives as it is a private matter between the two of you.

I’m the wife who can’t keep her mouth shut and tends to lend (which seems to always turn out to be a handout). Sometimes things are divulged simply because I’m happy about something and want to share my joy. I universally never think to discuss price, specifics. It may be immature to some, Christian to others, but (however naive I am) I believe that in some cases that $100.00 or whatever used to help a college student with books, or the $300.00 not spent on a big tv but rather used to help make final tuition payment on niece’s schooling are better spent. Yes, it is our money and yes, I don’t always share exactly what I do/give with him, but I ALWAYS am as generous (or stupid, as the case may be) with his family as I am with my own.

To B Ahler - How is your advice helpful to this man’s problem?

My wife is the same, and we had the same problem and found an AWESOME solution—

1) Constantly tell her how broke you are.
2) NEVER tell her how much you make and or have.
3) Refer to step #1 whenever you’re with her family… broke, we’re broke, can’t afford anything other than pasta.
4) Only buy yourself stuff at Christmas and say that it came from your side of the family.

I know some of you will have “moral” issues with the above referenced solution… but it works to keep those lazy, slothful, useless “gimmee, gimmee, gimmee” people away from your check.

If you can’t follow the above advice … trade her in.

Women should really be kept in the dark on financial [matters] and on any major household decisions. They act too much on emotions and allow themselves to be manipulated by people close to them. Don’t involve her in anything more important that grocery shopping. If she’s hot keep her…otherwise dump her.

Your wife needs to understand one thing: How her family would handle their debt if she didn’t help them.
They would in time, I hope, learn from their mistakes and not over-spend their income. Instead, now their habit is, over-spend and then go see your wife for help. Break the habit right now. Tell them the handouts are over, BEFORE they come looking for the next one.

Why does it matter if she tells your family about your financial success? It should be understood that that success belongs to you and your family. (Your family being you, your wife, and any offspring you may have. Not, as they seem to believe, anyone in the world who might happen to have a distant blood tie with your wife.)

Practice saying No, your relatives can practice hearing No. Then maybe someday when you’re loaded you can take them all to Disney World or something.

Jeff from Columbus, Ohio. You are an IDIOT!!! You’re describing this person as a gentleman and then you want him to charge his family interest??? And then you want to make a ton of money off of them? At the very least it will make him seem petty and likely result in him being ostracized. I certainly hope you don’t do this to your family.

You married a blabbermouth. Tell her astonishing lies and swear her to secrecy, then when she blabs and folks look to you for confirmation, merely roll your eyes and imply that your wife is a nutcase. -L.Q. Squarf, marriage counselor to those who never should have married.

Get a divorce.

Really, the sooner the better. She doesn’t have any respect for you, the family she & you have created, or herself & she will do anything for approval wherever she feel she needs it- in this case her extended family.

This will translate to more problems in other areas of your relationship besides finances.

Or you can wait it out and try to save your marriage like I did and get taken to the cleaners by her, her lawyer, your lawyer and everyone else who wants a piece of you (her relatives, the govt, etc… and that will be the thanks you get. So…. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

Tell you wife to ask others about their finanical matters, and if they don’t share with her, then explain to her using that example and saying financial matters are not to be shared with everyone. Then she will understand it herself. Also, give her an example in your life on how sharing financial matters might give rise to envy.

Regardless of his wife’s financial immaturity, I believe this gentleman is completly missing out on a prime opportunity to make money in this financially shaky period that we are experiencing. It is foolish to believe that he will leave his wife over her inability to maintain a tight lip about familiy financials. As it is also foolish to believe that she will understand any of the reasons that she should maintain a tight lip about the family financials. What this gentleman should do is not only allow his wife to brag about the increased wages that he earns, but encourage her to do so. If and when her family comes sniffing around for hand outs, he needs to just charge them a minor fee for his monetary loan or accept collateral until they are able to pay him back. If done correctly, he may even be able to get them on a payment plan where they have no chance of ever paying him back. At this point he can encourage them to refinance their houses to pay off his minor debt.

Your wife sounds like a jackass. My guess is that she doesn’t work. If she did, she would understand that what she’s doing is completely inappropriate.

If my husband revealed our financial situation to his family, I’d hit the roof. You shouldn’t talk to anyone about money - nothing useful ever comes of knowing that information about someone.

Does anyone know what boundaries are anymore?

There are some families that don’t get the “OUR money” concept. They see it as the sister’s money, completely ignoring that the husband has an equal if not greater share in the pot (if he earns ALL the money, then he certainly has a greater share) and blame the sister when she won’t give them some of HER money. Other families just can’t see beyond their own needs or their own misdeeds - they can’t get that you have your own mortgage to pay or that you have money for the new IPOD because you paid your bills on time or worked full time vs. part time.

All the husband has to do is say, “Sorry we have allocated the money for something else and don’t have anything to spare” (Sorry kids, I’m buying those new windows with the money I saved for that purpose. Your four-months of unpaid electric bills can kiss off.)

IF not a Christian, become one and love your wife as Christ loved the church. True love NEVER fails.

Sounds like his wife sees him as nothing more than a meal ticket. She is obviously very focused on money, the irony being that she probably earns none of her own. Simple rule - if you don’t earn the money, you don’t get to tell people about it (besides the fact that it is none of their business in the first place).

Then again, being that her family has no problem asking for money, she was probably raised in an environment where discretion and tact did not exist. Her husband should try to change her way of thinking in that regard. To those of you who tell him to get a new wife, he can’t - she’d get half of his stuff and he’d have to pay her money every month to continue being useless.

While it is true that your wife is extremely immature, you share some of the culpability yourself. After 13 years of marriage, and now 12 years post divorce, since the day we split, I have had more money in my pocket than in the previous 13 years. Reason: While married, my wife handled the finances (long story), and I use “handled” as a very loose term. She was TERRIBLE with money, and continually gave to her family behind my back. She didn’t work, more to the point, she refused to work. The long and short of it is this. If your wife is NOT an ASSET, then she IS A LIABILITY. You should be working to rid yourself of liabilities, and building your assets, in ALL aspects of your life. Don’t worry, the court will undoubtedly reward her for her years of slothfullness, and deceit. You need to BAIL OUT NOW.

Your wifes’ immaturity is a severe risk and liability - especially in an economic depression. While most Americans still believe they live in the age of Ozzie and Harriet, the economic and historic reality of the current period will prove that we are entering into a new era- one of middle class demise, economic deprivation, widespread poverty, and related crime. She is obviously ill equipped from a common sense point of view to deal with the upcoming environment, and as such such constitutes a crack in your household stability. You can choose to honor your vows for better or for worst, or you can bail. That’s a function of your ethical sense. Most people in our society really don’t get to know their prospective spouses well BEFORE they marry. Many choose to ignore personality weaknesses due to other material considerations or plain lust. In the environment that is coming, a prospective female spouse who is unable or incapable of solid domestic and survival skills and who lacks street smarts is an unsuitable marriage partner and a costly liability to any family.

1) Don’t listen to Jeff in Colombus- his advice is fairly sociopathic.

2) If your wife does not work and/or does not handle the finances, she really may not understand the relationship between your income and expenses. If you acquaint her with or bring her in on some of the financial responsibilities of the household, she may learn to be more discerning with the information she shares and also be more comfortable telling her relatives “no”.

(P.S. It seems like her family’s money etiquette is a little unusual, given that her relatives feel comfortable asking for money or other handouts. It may be that exposing her to people with more discretion on the subject will rub off on her and help her understand that when others ask for money they haven’t been offered and don’t truly need, they’re the ones who are rude for asking, not her for saying “no”

Oh to be a woman in today’s world! We are entitled to all of the benefits, and yet when we act irresponsible we get to act like children and shoulder none of the responsibility. Your wife is immature and can’t keep her mouth shut. Changing her habits is beyond your control, but you certainly can keep the information from her and you should, as she obviously can’t handle it. Knowledge *is* power, as was pointed out, but if you can’t trust her with it (and you can’t) she has no claim to any of it. Whatever happened to responsibility? Oh that’s right… feminism!

You’re not sleeping with your wife’s family, you’re sleeping with your wife. She is the one you need to keep happy.

Uh…Yeah, Debbie. That’s called bragging. That’s what makes it immature behavior.

This is a sticky subject. First off, I was the prepetrator of revealing my finances to people I work with. Not in a sense that “Hey I make this much.” But I told people I was buying a rather big screen tv for my vacation or “man-cation”. What is funny about my reveal was it was not unusual at my job. My manager likes to keep the job light hearted in our staff meetings since this job is so stressful. Since every Christmas we get a week vacation off, at that time she always asks what are your plans. I revealed I was buying a Huge TV. I now have a reputation for having a lot of money, but nobody realized that I have not taken a vacation in over 4 years. Most if not all of my coworkers take great vacations to Europe, Hawaii, S. America, and the Bahamas, sometimes twice a year, where as I don’t. I have managed to save money by not taking vacations. My vacation time is used for school by taking days off to study or work on a project or something. By my own ignorance of people, almost all forget the vacations they take but they all seem to remember my TV. I finally got fed up with the comments a couple of months ago and said this to a few of them. How much does it cost you to go to Hawaii? I know how much it cost me over 5 years ago, with tickets, a week stay in a hotel room, rental car, and meals. Almost over 3 grand on average, probably more now. Pretty much I have not spent 3 grand in the last 4 years.

You really just need to talk to the wife and say hey, our money is none of their business. My wife and I decided a long time ago that we want certain things in our life that neither of us had, and if we reveal what we make to friends and family then I know the hand would come out. Granted, we are not the wealthyist in our family or among friends, but we never discuss our finances. My point is just tell her to stop. Lying in a marriage is a bad thing, and it can lead to justification of lying on anything else, which can cause a great problems in the future and can lead to divorce. If you love, her tell her. Remember this: give good [supporting arguments] to defend your view on this. I think she or even he would realize that what they are doing is detrimental to your/our finances and your marriage.

Get a new wife, preferably in her mid-20’s.

Giving to relatives is a slippery slope. I would not worry about her sharing as much as I would about relatives that feel they can just ask for money. This needs a 2 stage approach: part one, just share basics with your wife, like “I got a small raise today, yippee..,” not “I am making an extra grand!” Part 2, never give to relatives, no matter what. You can share advice and ideas to help out, but that’s about it.

Keep your pimp hand strong, that’s funny! (I don’t advise hitting anyone, I just see the humor there.)

It seems to me the word “no” will go a long way here. As in the answer to “Hey Heather, congrats on hubby’s raise! Now how about giving us $10K?”

Why should he try to change her behavior, institute unecessary stress and maybe a divorce into their lives, when the people that need to have an attitude change are her RELATIVES, not her?

If a women could help us out on girlfriend code, I would appreciate it. My understanding is that the best friends are worthy of all intimate details, and friends get a level of detail commensurate with what they receive (i.e., if a friend complains about the husband in the bedroom, your wife is obligated to complain in the same area). Also, the husband is allowed to hear about the best friend’s skeletons. I know more dirt about my wife’s friends’ sex lives than I know about my own wife’s. I am sure Cosmo would describe this system as a virtuous thing, strengthening the bonds of sisterhood and crap like that.

Tell your wife to get a job and contribute.

I agree with Debbie above. I am a firm believer that NO is ALWAYS an option. Sometimes it might hurt, but it’s better in the long run to clearly say no.

Give her the job of telling her relatives point blank NO. And make it clear you will not be the one to negotiate with her relatives. It really should be HER job…they are her relatives. She should also be made to realize that any money for them means less for her. I can’t believe she hasn’t figured this out already.

My heartfelt sympathies. I have been experiencing similar behavior from my wife, but not about the money. My wife is very open with “her” relatives about sharing everything that has to do with me - results from my recent health check-up, happenings at work, intimate details of our relationship, etc. I have spoken to her about it on multiple occassions, but to no avail. Despite my specific instructions on not sharing specific information, I later find out that she could not keep mum.

I guess I need to understand the venetian culture better

Keep your pimp hand strong. That’ll solve it.

Your wife may just be a typical show off. Her inability to keep personal financial information may stem from her wanting to impress close family and friends and get some reaction from them that she has finally “made” it. I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here, but people usually talk about the things they have, the things they do, and the money they make as a means of showing off.

I recommend showing to her that it costs her real money everytime she talks about what you have. And if this doesn’t get her to stop, sometimes in order to look out for the best interest of you and your wife, a little discretion with your wife and what she knows could go a long way.

It sounds to me like you are already sharing too little with your wife. If the only thing she knows is when you get a raise/bonuse/new HD TV, then she only sees the product of the marriage’s money and not the full story. Sit down with your wife, show her the bills, show her the monthly outgo of money, show her the income, show her the retirement, insurance, savings plan, show her everything. I’ll bet she’ll be less tempted to share the knowledge with everyone if she has the full understanding. The problem now seems to be that she only sees your raises and bonuses and therefore “thinks” she has more wealth than she probably does because she doesn’t see all of the expenses. Along the way, also discuss your values about money and discuss her values about money. I’ll bet “dollars to pesos” this will resolve the problem.

I completely disagree with this article. Your wife is a liability to your financial stability. I have three solutions to your problem : 1.) Get rid of her and find a wife who knows how to keep her mouth shut; 2.) Tell your begging relatives to get a job of their own and stop asking for hand-outs; or 3.) Keep your wife in the dark about your finances. If she is immature enough to go bragging to her relatives, then she will probaly not be smart enough to realize that you have not had a raise in 10 years. If you go with solution #3, then start syphoning some of the money to another account, that way she does not stumble upon your deception, just in case she starts poking her nose into your business. Good Luck!!!

I’m not sure I agree that sharing the news of a raise or a big purchase can be classified as “immature” behavior. Maybe “Heather” talks about these things because she is proud of her husband for being a good provider and wants to share her good fortune with those close to her. I don’t see a problem with sharing this kind of news - just don’t cave to the relatives who want a share of it. If they’ve had their hand in your pocket before, now is a good time to start learning to say no.