Wow SReh, you wear $7,000 outfits and dine at exclusive Manhattan restaurants! Aren’t you the cat’s meow?

I’m sure any lower status man would love to be in a relationship with you.

BTW, why don’t you date someone in your own lofty socioeconomic atmosphere? Then, you wouldn’t have to worry about how your wealth affects your less affluent boyfriends.

I am not overly wealthy, but I do okay. At the same time, I don’t spend nearly the amount of time you do analyzing & wondering how my success affects the men I date.

SReh from New York (especially!), Brooke from LA, Anonymous 5/12, and all of the rest of you who posted THOUGHTFUL, RESPECTFUL advice–I thank you, you are GOOD PEOPLE. You really get the complexities of the situation. Amazing the conclusions people jump to from reading a very brief, limited, out-of-context, ultra-paraphrased question. It sure did lead to a very lively and educational dialogue, though. Thank you all, even you nasty bitter guys.

First off, I am a 45 year old male. Before you get serious with any one,
find out how they take care of their own money first. I handle both my wife’s and my 401ks and bills. She trusts me with that, and you need to find someone who feels the same way you do about money. If you find he can’t manage his own, then I would not trust him to manage yours.

I want to supplement my earlier answer suggesting you not disclose this info yet until you are married or shortly before. My last three boyfriends were less well-off than I was financially ( I earned and saved my money, thank you, as I was fortunate to be in a high-paying profession). For the first two, it was a huge negative for them, believe it or not, because they didn’t feel like they could impress me with their abilities and success, and men often feel good about themselves when they can do this. One of them ended up asking me to marry him, but fought with huge doubts about his ability to provide for me in the way I was accustomed. The first one switched to a career for which he was less suited in order to make more money, as he suddenly felt he needed to do. Of course that did not work out, and was a negative experience for him. The second one started searching for a way to make it big, whereas previously he’d been happy in a challenging and interesting but not particularly lucrative career. Neither of these men came from money and both had been satisfied with their lives until we started dating - I was the first wealthy person they knew. I broke up with the second guy in part because he borrowed some money from me (which was fine with me: he had given me great advice in my career) and then it turned out his spending habits (which never bothered me until I lent him 10K) were atrocious. He called me miserly because in his view someone with what I had should toss it around like movie stars seem to do. Game over.

Fast forward to today: my current guy makes OK but not great money but is low net worth due to poor money skills and responsibilities for an ex wife and children from that marriage and low status due to the field he is in. I make more and am in a high status profession. I vowed to have learned from my previous mistakes. I vowed never to mention the “M” word (money) and vowed to have money not affect our relationship (which is at three years and counting, and very happy and satisfying). Not because I don’t trust him, not because he has a bad character, but because love is too special to be poisoned with the kinds of resentments and insecurities it can cause in your loves one (and insecurities it can cause in you).

So what does this involve as a practical matter? My tips:

-have some stock phrases available when money issues come up. Like if he asks say, “I’m not going to be out on the street,” or “I don’t worry about having a roof over my head, ” or “I’m doing fine.” Unless he really is into you for your money, or has bad manners, he won’t pry too much.

-if he tells you details of his financial life say “that’s great,” or “that’s very impressive.” Don’t feel you need to give a number just because he did.

-if you are in a status position so that he can guess that you are probably well off, say “it’s not like that” or another evasive answer. Let him know that even though you may not have to worry as much, you have to watch costs just like everyone else.

-if you are used to fancy restaurants, let HIM pick the place, and learn to like the kinds of places he likes (this was hard for me at first). Modest restaurants often make up in atmosphere for what they lack in fine cuisine. Also, there’s nothing like a good grilled cheeese sandwich to remind you of your childhood, in these days hard-to-pronounce delicacies.

-if he complains about his finances, gently suggest things he can do about his situation, rather than feeling you need to step in and save the day. The best thing you can do to help is be a model of good habits.

-be clear that you love him for HIM and you are proud of his abilities and character. Don’t make him think he needs to buy you a lot or impress you with his money. But don’t say “I love you even though you’re poor.” He probably doesn’t see himself that way.

-accept with joy any kind of gift he gives you, even if it is not your usual taste. Receive the gift in the spirit in which it was given.

-also DON’T be obvious in making allowances for his financial situation. He will want to splurge occasionally - let him. He will make poor money decisions from time to time. You are not his mother and it is not your role to comment, even if he is being a knucklehead.

-Do not necessarily change your habits because of him. Continue to do the things you love, but no need to make a big deal of them. For example, my guy knows I have a housekeeper and go to a day spa and take the occasional lavish trip, but he doesn’t need to know what all that costs. No need to leave your Bergdorf’s charge card statement or your bank statements out on the table for him. No need to dress in rags, but no need to disclose that your outfit cost $7,000 either. This is just consideration and good manners, not lack of trust. if it comes up what something cost, the stock answer it: “it wasn’t too bad.”

-Let him treat, and throw in something occasionally. If he’s old school, he will feel good about treating. Don’t deprive him of that feeling. If he’s not old school, pay when it’s appropriate, but never indicate how this is “nothing to you” or the like.

-When you give him gifts, which should not be often, keep them modest, like under $100, but thoughtful. It can be tempting to take him to Europe, give him stock, wow him with the kind of experience he could never afford on his own. Save it for your honeymoon, or your fifth anniversary. Instead, give him the gifts he really wants, a fit, feminine, stylish girlfriend who adores him for him and doesn’t cheat or look at other men.

-Don’t take him to restaurants or other events where he will not feel uncomfortable. For example, I am a regular at a top restauarnt in Manhattan. It has a dress code. My guy hates dress codes and thinks places like that are snobby and the portions not big enough. Of course I’d love to go with him, but we haven’t because I am considerate of HIS feelings. I.e., don’t try to improve or convert your guy.

And who knows? He may be hiding things from you as well. He may be better off than you think once you count his house and his pension, so focus on love and let money be a positive surprise for you both later on. However, DO find out about his debt load before you tie the knot.

Again, good luck!

Brook from L.A.

Thanks for your opinion on my intellect. Do you really think anyone who was wealthy an honest way would need to actually ask a question like this? If she earned it with hard work, then she’d obviously be smart/savvy/confident enough to know the answers already. If it’s family money, wealthy children are taught this kind of thing. She all but admits she just took her ex to the cleaners in a divorce.

That said, you pretty much agreed with me after calling me an idiot. You say “when sharing the expenses”? Well, what kind of person who has the ability to share expenses doesn’t do so in the course of a meaningful relationship (unless you think sharing expenses doesn’t happen until marriage?).

I would say according to your advice, you would disclose even earlier than I suggested - since obviously no moral woman would just let the man of less means pay for every big ticket item solo when she had the capability to contribute equally.

I personally know many educated professional women who are indeed targeted by bums looking for a sugar-momma. The real key is to make sure that you are dating/associating with people of comparable intellect and earning potential. That goes for guys too - no more PHDs marrying strippers named Kimmy, only to complain about having to explain every other month why the electric gets cut off if you dont pay the bill. You lay down with dogs you get up with fleas. So stop laying down with dogs….

omg… first of all, Jay from San Antonio.. you’re an idiot.

Secondly, I completely disagree with the advice you’ve been given here. Your financial situation doesn’t need to be disclosed to him unless/until you begin sharing expenses. You having money is not the same as not having money. They advise that you’d want to know if he had a pill problem or five kids, but this is completely incomparable to either of those situations. The fact that you have some money does not require anything extra of him, as him being a pill popper or a dad five times over would have on you. And their assumption that you’ve learned from your past experience is pointless too. YOU have learned, but that doesn’t mean you’re attracting different kinds of people. Just be safe and protect your money. Ethics has nothing to do with it. It’s YOUR money and your life, and you don’t owe explanations to anyone about it unless you decide to make him part of your life.

I get the distinct feeling from your letter that you didn’t do anything for your wealth other than marry rich. You were a gold digger, and now you’re afraid of other gold diggers. I’d say you most likely deserve anything you get. Ever heard the term cougar? Let me guess, you’re dating a guy 10 years younger than you?

I think if you had gotten your money honestly, you probably wouldn’t have to ask this type of question, you’d already know the answer.

On the off chance you’re a hardworker who got a raw deal - they make prenups for that. You don’t need to give details of your finances until you’re at the engagement point.

Unless you’re discussing engagement, it’s not really his business how much you have in the bank. Don’t be afraid to allude to it or answer questions you feel comfortable answering, but don’t feel you have to disclose it, the way you would kids or drug abuse.

Just carry on as you please, and if he asks how you can afford your new plasma TV, just tell him that you can.

Whoa, there are some bitter people posting here. Ok, there are greedy gold-diggers everywhere, of BOTH sexes - I hope this is pretty well-recognized fact. Any discussion that there is more of one sex than the other would also mean that there is more of one sex who enables and supports it, so can we just move on? You recognize that you got burned by one, it cut deep and you are now understandably wary, I really don’t know why people are faulting you for that. My brother dated a psycho and was wary of girls who had bad tempers for years after that — what’s the big deal with learning from a bad experience? Kinda wish the “divorced” fact had been left out, maybe we’d be seeing more on-topic comments, but I digress…

I think you need to ask yourself two questions - 1) what would you want/expect from him if your positions were reversed? If your expectations of him are different from your intentions towards him in this regard, you may want to do a little soul-searching and take a hard look at your relationship. 2) What kind of relationship do you want with this man? Presumably, you see traits in him that you would like in a future mate (including hopefully that he is not the type of person who would take advantage of you). Would you be comfortable sharing everything financial with him? Would you be comfortable keeping all financials separate, no disclosure? Would your opinion change if he were to win the lottery, or get an inheritance, such as Bill’s example below? Long term, different methods work for different people - the ideal would be that a couple shares everything - joys, grief, money, kids… all things that make up a life. Practicality (and the divorce rate) states that that is no longer necessarily a [reasonable] assumption. For some, both people contribute a locked amount/percentage to a shared account from which bills are paid, and keep personal accounts. Some people share everything and hopefully discuss larger expenses together. Narrow down what is acceptable to you by eliminating what you “couldn’t live with” and go from there. Michelle singletary, a personal finance writer, has a book called “Your Money and Your Man,” perhaps that could give you some guidance.

To bBll - you have my sympathy, your wife sounds quite selfish and I hope she sees that (especially after 25 years!) you two have shared a life together and should be sharing a nice retirement together in light of what should be a happy and unexpected windfall. You sound like a good guy, so I hope you’ll refrain from the temptation to bring your kids into the discussion for moral leverage if it can possibly be avoided. Let them have at least one good example to look up to - kids are not stupid and they do respect where respect is due.

Best of luck to you both.

Wait until you’re serious. If he’s just a date, it’s none of his business.

Is most of your money in specialty accounts? I hope you have certain amounts allocated to retirement and other necessities. Money is a lot less accessible when it’s tied up in mutual funds and other investments. Have a budget and stick to it. You should always say no if you feel that you are being taken advantage of.

As a successful young lady, when I’m asked how much money I have, I wink and reply “Enough to cover my pina colada bill.” That’s all they need to know!

Well, if you break up with him, just let me know!

I don’t think it should be a HUGE shock because he clearly knows what your current lifestyle is like. Even if you have more than you let on about, it’s not like you live on the streets and have millions in the bank, right? Assuming you live in a decent place and drive a decent car, etc, whether you have 100Ks or millions should’t be a scandalous bit of info for you to withhold for a while.

To those who think money should not be a factor in love, keep in mind that money is one of the chief causes of divorce; the other two being how to raise the kids, and in-laws. But it’s not necessarily the amount, it’s how it’s handled, and that’s what you should focus on here. If you’re loaded and he isn’t, find out how he handles the money he has.

My family was horrible with money, and it took me years to understand how to make and keep it in a mature way. Giving me a fortune when I was younger would have been a disaster.

Talk to this person occasionally about how to handle some finances, and get a feel about where his head is about money. If he can’t or won’t talk about it, there’s a clue. Can he balance a checkbook? Does he even know how to budget? Where does he expect to be in the future, finacially speaking? These are basic things that anyone who expects to keep what they have should know.

Good luck, and I wish you the best.

I don’t see the need to keep your wealth a secret nor do I see a need to broadcast it. Simply don’t change the way you spend your money after you reveal your wealth. If your boyfriend starts to act differently (in a bad way) because of this information, then you may want to confront him or leave him for good.

I agree with Beatrice from Ohio. You are getting a lot of negative comments from both men and women. They are rude and wrong and probably also jealous. I understand the position you are in. If I were in the same position, I would not disclose this until the relationship gets VERY serious (close to moving in together or getting engaged). Do NOT do this until you feel secure in the relationship and feel that he loves you for you (and genuinely). Then, explain why you withheld the information. He should understand and be happy because money will be one less thing to worry about.

Of course it is tempting to let your guy in on your personal finances. It may impress him, or you think he can help you with them, or you think he may stick around longer with that incentive. The sad reality is, however, that your relationship will never be the same, particularly if he is less well off than you. There are many, many unintended consequences of such disclosure. First off, you’ve emasculated him. He won’t get as much pleasure and pride out of buying you dinner, drinks or gifts, or taking you on vacation. Second, he won’t be able to forget the fact, and he might not understand why you don’t consume like his idea of a rich person. Third, you can never know whom he’ll tell. Re-read Capote’s In Cold Blood to understand why a casual comment to a stranger can lead to tragedy. And finally, all your gifts etc will seem puny given your finances. Most importantly, finances should have nothing to do with friendship. It makes people jealous, and you can bet at a certain point the requests for loans or other financial favors will start rolling in. Be sexy for him, be feminine and loving, and that is really all he needs. Also, if you do marry, you don’t want to wonder whether it was for the money. Let it be a nice surprise for after you are married (although then too, you might deprive him of his feeling of accomplishment for what he has done with his life, or deprive him of his pleasure in his job). Good luck!

It is obvious you are greedy and do not want to tell him. Your last statement “… is there a point at which I HAVE to speak up” tells it all.
I agree with a previous comment that you divorced your ex, took a load of cash and now you want to keep it all. You deserve to be single forever.

I dated a very wealthy woman for awhile. I knew about her wealth as a friend prior to the dating so it was not a shocker, I was OK with it and knew it was hers, not mine. I also had money so I would never think about using her as my personal ATM. However, there are a lot of people, both male and female, who would take advantage of that. As such, I would not mention the extent of your wealth early on, there is no reason to. You don’t want him to pursue you primarily for your money, so take that part of your life off the table so to speak. Make sure you are thinking seriously about marrying him before you divulge that information; it is really on a “need to know” basis until then anyway. Then if you do decide to get married, get a pre-nup and keep all your pre-marital finances separate. Combine both of your current incomes and get joint accounts if you like, but keep a wall between what you had going into the marriage and what you will acquire after you are married.

Good luck!

Love or money?

Money. Everything else is just entertainment.

To Michelle in Phoenix with the trust fund: I agree with your view during engagement. How will you handle disclosure, management and spending of your trust money after you are married, initially…. and then way down the road in a stable marriage (like past 20 years with the same husband)?

Maybe instead of worrying about your boyfriend’s faults you should start focusing on your own first. The only reason your ex treated you like an ATM is because you let him. You’re the only one that controls the money, so if someone starts treating you that way, all you have to do is say “no” and walk away. It’s too bad all the money in the world can’t buy common sense.

Having a trust account worth quite a bit, and having been in a two-year engagement, I also experienced this situation. After discussing it with the family member who knows how much the account is worth, I resolved that I would tell him I was financially stable, but never disclosed the amount. The wise thing to do is to share in expenses, but keep both of your finances separate otherwise. No joint bank accounts, nothing. If you are planning on marrying the guy, look into a pre-nup. Its harsh, but in this world (50%+ divorce rate), look to Sir McCartney as a prime example. Disclosing finances is NOT an issue of trust, unless its going to be damaging to the other party upon marriage (such as massive debt).

Question: Why put the phrases ‘I’m divorced’ and ‘have quite a bit of money’ in the same sentence?

Question: Why say ‘involved with a guy’ without explicitly stating that this person was a boyfriend before or after the divorce or indeed the person that you divorced?

Things are a bit vague in the query itself so it opens the door to lots of weird discussions and other questions as you can see in the below comments.

Regardless of where you may have received the money, it’s always up to your discretion to tell the person when you feel is right. Can’t necessarily tell by taking a poll from the comments because everyone will have their own opinions which may not be the same thoughts as what you think or feel.

Do the right thing. (lol?)

No, don’t tell him! Let him know you for yourself. You are not your money, and it’s none of his business for the time being. It will bring complications, not solve them.

It seems like the issue here is your comfort with your money, not how other people try to use it. Honesty is the foundation of any relationship so don’t set a bad precedent early on. YOU are in control of your money and you need to decide how you are going to share it with this potential partner. Consider this: two people from very different cultures can have a wonderful relationship… but not if they spend every minute discussing their differences or secretly wondering what the other one thinks of them. Set some reasonable limits and focus on what you have in common with this man.

I wouldn’t hide it. In these economically troubling times, it’s pretty evident who the people who aren’t worried about a forcloseure are and who can still afford to eat out.

While I wouldn’t hide it, I certainly wouldn’t, say, go out of my way to bring up how much you have or how you got it.

As the relationship evolves, you’ll know when to tell him about your situation.

In an ideal world, people would love us totally for us, and not what we can offer (money, sex, etc). However, since this is reality, life doesn’t always work out this way.

Since you are not yet engaged or married to this man, there is no need to tell him. If it gets that far, then you can tell him of your situation. (And maybe also that you would like a pre-nup.)

Better yet, put it into your retirement. If he is around at that time, then you and he can both benefit from it. If he’s not - then it’s all yours to go on some single senior cruises!

Hey baby, if you have that much money, and will buy me a BMW M5, I’ll date you. That other guy is just using you…..but I’ll love you deeply (until the money runs out).

Wow, a lot of men haters out there. Being a man myself, I feel sorry that you keep going for the same kind of man, then finding out, he is the same kind of man. It goes to that old saying, “If you keep doing what you have always done, then you will get what you always got.”

Anyhow, as for the money. You SHOULD tell him. Not in exact figures, but Love and Trust go hand and hand. If you cannot trust who you are with, then the Love means nothing. It will not work out. Once he knows you are wealthy, if he starts asking for money, then dump him. But do not get upset if he wants you to pay for a date or two either. My rule, if you ask him out, you pay. If he ask you out, he pays.

I have to agree with Jim, don’t tell him until he proposes or marries you. Remember Seinfeld when Susan died and her parents tell George what she had?

Don’t let people get to you. The ones who wrote rude comments are most likely jealous. You’re a well-off woman with the upper hand in relationships. Other women in lesser positions resent that and most men are threatened by it.

You should tell him eventually. Consider it similar to telling him about having kids or something equally serious. Money, unfortunately, has accumulated a position of importance in everyone’s life. Perhaps you should give him a rundown on your previous money-grubbing ex-boyfriend and be straightforward when you tell him you will not tolerate being a human ATM.

Honesty and trust are important. Be honest, and tell him the layout of what you will and will not accept.

Good luck!

Sure you learned from your previous relationship, but please don’t dwell on the past. As you will realize in your new relationship there will be a trust issue. The problem will stem from you. Its not about the money, it’s about trust. It’s about being able to tell your companion your deepest darkest secrets and knowing that they will be protected. In the end the decision is yours to make but please think about what you truly want.

No way would I tell someone I was just dating about my financial business. I beg to disagree, having money is not the same as having 5 children or an addiction. If you had significant debt, I would urge you to be honest with this person because they could end up having to pay your bills. All you need to say about your finances is that you work hard and are comfortable. You could even go so far as to say you have no debt. No one you are dating has a need for any more information than that.

If and when you actually decide to marry is the time to discuss the money. Prenup in hand. You both can walk away with what you brought into the relationship and divide what you built together if it doesn’t work out. Fair is fair and this is the same advice I would give if it was the man who was ‘loaded’.

Love IS blind! But it doesn’t have to be stupid too!

This is extremely entertaining. Well, as I believe in equal rights for men and women, this is what I would do. Set all your wealth acquired before the marriage into a trust. That greedy bastard(bitch) did not earn a cent, so what right do they have to it? I am extremely tired of women talking about their rights and deserving half of what their spouse has earned. To quote all the vapid gold digging women I have ever met “well if you really love them… if it really is forever… if love not money is the most important thing…” then split it equally. The fact that this woman is asking advice in this situation says essentially ” I don’t want to share and I want someone to tell me that is ok.” If men do this it is labeled as “fear of commitment” instead of “fear of extortion.” This women needs to ask herself some very hard questions like: “Did I earn this money?” “Do I have the obligation to guard it as such” “Do I love my future spouse as much as my money?” and on and on. What do you love, money or people?

I agree with a lot of people here that say to wait until an opportune time, that is, when you’re certain he loves you for YOU and not what you have. When you find out that his character is rock-solid and he has integrity, then I think news that you have some bank (money) will be a positive thing for the both of you. If he doesn’t understand your reasons behind waiting to tell him, then he’s not worth the time. If you plan on “spoiling” him with your wealth then count it as just one more reward for being such a wonderful guy!

My 2c.

Tell him. But first, spend 10 minutes visualizing the reaction you want to get from him. This will align your energy for the situation. Think of exactly how you want the conversation to go, what you want to say, what you want him to respond, and how you want your life experience with him to continue after this experience. If you know what you want, and are clear about it, there is no reason things should go another way.

I was married in community of property in New York for 4 yrs. Both my wife and I worked. She made slightly more than I did, but being an African man, I paid all the bills and agreed she would save the money for us. I found out after after three years of marriage that all our money sat in her checking account, quite a bit at that. I advised her that we should buy shares with half of it. She agreed, but on the day we were to deposit the money into the account, she lost it and threw a fit about the money being hers and she said a lot hurtful things about the four hundred dollars a month she made more than me. The damage was irreversible, and our marriage ended, and I walked away empty handed. I let her keep it all.

Personally, I think you shouldn’t tell about your wealth.

I think a lot of the commentators here have made harsh and rude statements about you, without having an idea of how you came to have the money.

To be honest, I am a female in a better financial position, savings wise, than my current husband. The reason I have this savings was because of profit from a house I bought together with my daughter’s father, my ex-husband.

Having this savings seems to always make me the one who has to give over 50% in the relationship. It makes it hard to ask for half of the grocery money, etc. However, I live frugally and am raising a 3-year-old as a single mom. Because I am a woman, I am still expected to do all the housework and cooking. I find it unfair.

This savings is the only thing I have to fall back on since my job doesn’t offer a steady, reliable income.

I would suggest you keep your finances separate, with each knowing as little as possible about the other’s.

Recently, I have began to see it liberating to have my own savings. At least, no one throws helping provide for me in my face. I think women today, we have to take care of ourselves first.

Take care of yourself, and disclose only what is necessary. I don’t think having money in the bank is at all something like having five kids or a drug addiction. And, especially if you are the more responsible one financially, his knowing about your money and wanting to help spend it, may not help your future.

Please get a pre-nup or you will be sorry — and hide your money from all men!! I have never met a man who wasn’t a stinkin’ gold digger. All men use women for their money. YES, your man too!

Gosh, there is a lot of bitterness in many of these comments.

I would encourage you to talk to him about money in general, but not yours in particular for quite a while. Just ask questions like “what would you do if you won the lottery” and such. Pretty inocuous question, but it tells a lot about a person. If things get serious, you will already know how he will handle the money, and it will be a pleasant surprise to him - and might even help ease his worries on the subject.

My wife had reasonable wealth when we got married. I had less, but we threw it all together (trust is pretty important in marriage, I have heard). Today, we are much better off together, and we have made good returns on OUR money together.

Why is it that when men hide how much they make, we’re bad. But why is it perfectly ok for women to hide their money? What about all the women who use men as a meal ticket? Money is always a factor in relationships because marriage is a business partnership. And if this lady got money from a divorce, then obviously she took him for what he had and is being greedy. No one should feel bad if her man wants her money. For all the women who do this, it’s only fair that a man do it too. Especially the way the laws are in this country, women can get away with cheating, and not have to pay. If a woman expects a man to be faithful and be financially secure, why can’t we expect to be taken care of, financially, as well? It’s what women of the 60’s and 70’s wanted, right? Equality in work and marriage?

This woman obviously wants another free ride and would have no problem taking this guy’s money as well.

To “Mark, Minneapolis” it’s 2008 buddy. Sometimes women have a lot of money NOT because they divorced some rich loser, but because they themselves EARNED the money. OR inherited it. And as advice to the woman with the money, it’s none of your date’s business how much money you have and you should definitely NOT tell him until you plan to get really serious. As others said, then it will come as a pleasant surprise. NOT the same as being addicted to pain killers!!

What she is really trying to say is that she divorced her husband and took all his money and now she is worried about someone doing the same to her. Boo Hoo….

I think you should keep it from him until he actually proposes to you. Then you will know that he loves you for YOU and not your bank account.

Do not tell him. He will be pleasantly surprised that you have money and that he has fallen in love with you. This comes from a man’s point of view. 5 kids is in no way like 5 million dollars. In fact, it is quite the opposite.

To Bill whose wife received the huge gift from her parents exceeding you and your wife’s total net worth: If your wife doesn’t offer to post those those funds to your joint account, then I’d confront her about it in a heartbeat. To have a wife (a stay at home mom) receive a huge sum of $$$ and not offer it up as joint property is pathetic. I would surely let the kids know about their mother’s behavior.

I have to say that I think this is about the worst advice I’ve come across in a long time. Did you note the questioner’s use of the term “recently”? I think if someone is in debt, that’s a very different ballgame, but within this framework, the questioner owes no such explanation to anyone.

Wow. I´m really hoping that my wife is really wealthy, and that she is waiting for the right moment to tell me. I´m crossing my fingers!

My fiance’, now wife, freaked out when I had both of us sign up for a life insurance policy a week before we were married - at 25. You never know when something terrible will happen to you or your loved one. It is much better to be prepared and communicate openly the reasons why you believe in the security of your assets, or how you want to save/invest for the future, versus hiding and holding it in.

Even if you are wealthy, you’ll still argue and disagree about spending or earnings. So you might as well be open and trustworthy of your partner.

It sounds like in this case the person cares or loves this man and this maybe the last “skeleton” in the closet. There is no harm in communicating this wealth now. Depending on the short term reaction, this may decidedly determine whether or not a legal agreement is better.

Money does change the chemistry of everything.
I say there is no rush. Allow your relationship to develop based on other qualities. Then, if you decide his character and temperament are right, disclose what you need to.
The movie “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn comes to mind.
What a great ending!

I don’t think it’s time yet to reveal assets. It’s a better time to reveal attitudes about money.

David,
While William does indeed seem bitter, one is left to wonder why she felt it necessary to mention her wealth and her status as a divorcee in the same sentence if not to imply some correlation.

I would tell your partner about your wealth only after you decide to marry him ,and then you both decide on a pre-nup or post-nup

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

Money should not be a factor in love. He/She should love you for what you are and not what you have.

William - why and how could you infer your accusations from “I’m divorced and have quite a bit of money”. … If you don’t mind, I’ll infer something from your posts: you are a bitter, old divorcee.

Really depends. If you acquired your wealth by taking half of your former husbands wealth, than what is good for the goose is good for the gander, right? What makes you think that you are so special that you should be able to take half of another’s wealth but that someone else cannot reciprocate? The fact is, it doesn’t sound like you earned your wealth, it sound like you took it!

My understanding is that what is yours before the marriage stays yours, including debt. It is half of what is ACQUIRED during the marriage including gifts, wages, property, debt, etc. If you title items and accounts sole and separate property before the marriage, it’s yours. My understanding for what it’s worth.

To Bill:

Yes, Bill, you have received a raw deal - especially as your wife is contributing nothing toward her own maintanence (but did whilst the children were growing up).

Legally of course the dollars are hers (though not the interest/income gained from them).

Morally? A different story - she can and should be “chipping in,” if the kids are grown and she is capable of working - one would have thought she might have in any case.

Given the magnitude of the sums at issue (greater than your entire net worth) - a bit more than chipping in would be a good thing. No, you shouldn’t quit working - but yes, you shouldn’t be bearing all the burden.

You did plenty of that as the kids grew up, paid for college, etc. Your wife needs to step up.

Personal finances, good or bad, should be disclosed. Hiding wealth could be potentially damaging just as hiding a personal bankruptcy. Both situations can create issues that otherwise would not have existed under normal circumstances.

I have been with my girl for 6 years, she knows I have 6 months of expenses saved, she also knows about my 401k and my “mad” money. What she doesn’t know about is my secret brokerage account. This is the only secret I have from her, and I enjoy it. If we are ever faced with a financial crisis I will reveal this to her. I don’t see a problem with having hidden treasure as long as it doesn’t cause problems.

Having been an ATM myself, money discussions are only relevant when the relationship is a solid, long-term (personally, getting married) deal. (And being used as an ATM was more my fault than the gold-digger. All I had to do was say “No.” And until I did, well . . .) Being a guy and the one who pays for most of the dates, it’s also a good idea not to start splurging or give an indication of just how much wealth you have. It’s the same for any deep dark secrets. There’s no sense in revealing anything if you’re not going to be with the person a year later.

Your wealth should have no bearing on his decision to get serious with you. You don’t know whether it’ll change him into a gold digger or not. If you disclose this early, it may change his interest in you.

I’d keep that information to myself until the question of the prenup comes up. That’d be the appropriate time to disclose your financial assets, while your establishing what happens if things go south.

If she thinks she “could get serious”, obviously it isn’t yet. Therefore she doesn’t need to say anything at this point. Once it does become serious, she definitely ought to tell him.

But she shouldn’t get in any serious relationship before growing a backbone - a person can only use you as his personal ATM if you let him. (A point the phrasing of the question leads me to doubt she grasps.)

I suggest you tell him IMMEDIATELY and begin showering him with lavish gifts, vacations and toys. Demand that he “service” your needs daily or he’s out the door.

An engagement is a prelude to a legal contract: marriage. And so, engagement is the right time to bring up serious legal issues like assets. And the right time to ask for a prenuptial agreement. It’s akin to making an offer on a house or negotiating a salary. Financial worth is a fairly intimate secret for most people, like a person’s sexual history or past indiscretions, and it makes a person vulnerable.

Why does he need to know? Money is not who you are, and it should not have any impact on whether your relationship continues or ends.

Boy, you people live in a fantasy world. I have a saying, everything is fine as long as everything is fine.

I do not agree with fessing up about your money, especially given that you are a female. Or course it all hinges on the integrity of your partner ,but you never really know a person, just ask anyone that has gone through a divorce. Your personal finances are just that, personal. In the event that you want to get married, then you must address it, but for numerous reasons, this is not an issue of integrity.

Also, a pre-nup for marriage is unavoidable whether you realize it or not. You never enter a marriage without a pre determined distribution of your assets upon divorce, you just don’t realize it. You either get the “pre-nup” that your state law gives you when you sign up for marriage or you have your attorney draft the one that suits you. Protect your money, it is the one of the top things in life that people will do anything to get.

I agree somewhat with Paula. You are not ready to get married today or tomorrow, so let it go and watch how he handles his and what of yours he get thru buying things together or tripping together. She can always put hers in investments that are not brought into a marriage as it is hers before the marriage and keep it out of the general fund. Bring the same amount into the bank account as he does
or cover your own expenses. I see no reason to tell him how much you are worth till things are closer to marriage.

My situation is way later: My wife of 25 years has been a stay at home mom. All our savings have been jointly held. Her parents recently gifted over a large sum - exceeding our current net worth. While I have always maintained that we were saving towards retirement independently and without counting on an inheritance, I was surprised this gift was in my wife’s name only. I will have no influence over how it is managed or spent (unless the kids or I am affected). We had not discussed any of that in advance. She is going to use it to finance adult education and some expensive hobbies she put off while we were building our savings, and which she has time for now that our kids are away at college. I will continue to work towards retirement and be responsible for paying our ongoing living costs. It is unclear she will be working outside the home any time soon, though I have asked her to find something and chip in from earned income. Is this a raw deal or typical of how large gifts are set up? And is my wife obligated to work, or is it fair game for her to start her retirement now (5 to 10 years ahead of me) after working hard 20 years raising our kids? Back to the disclosure theme, one thing is clear: Lack of upfront discussion made this far more difficult.

During my late 20’s and early 30’s I racked up 25 rental units worth about 3.5M with good and increasing cash-flow. I managed to have some fun in the mean time but worked very hard to build this wealth…the LAST thing I’m going to do is let some bimbo come in a take her “half” just ’cause I was dumb enough to marry her.

The best thing to do is live with a woman for at least 2 years…that’s how long it really takes to find out what makes someone tick…and as a side benefit you’ll also learn all each other’s bad habits and be able to make a solid decision on whether you’re a ‘marriage material’ type of couple or not.

Marrying someone without a long courtship is always a mistake…if someone can’t or won’t wait for that ring then run, run run away fast!

Just one man’s opinion…but one that has never had to pay a divorce lawyer or a settlement!!

Best,

Dave in Denver-

What makes you think he doesn’t already know? And, mayhaps, couldn’t care less?

Your previous experience was, sadly, very much your fault - you after all funded at least some of his exploits, no?

Beyond that, caution is of course indicated - somewhat like the “caution,” your ex-husband DID NOT take that resulted in your out-sized wealth.

You don’t have to mention your money. Love is not about money, right? If the time comes where you are going to get married, then mention it and of course demand the pre-nup. If he doesn’t want to sign, drop him. Don’t fall for any guilt trip arguments or you will find your hubby down the road falling out of love with you and in love with 50% of your assets. It’s a tough world.
If you spilled the beans to every boyfriend about your most intimate secrets, how many people would know very sensitive info about you? People that may be upset with you and wanting some pay back. Plus, if you say everything while dating, what are you going to talk about in marriage? Believe me, you’ll need new topics of conversation for the marriage.

I think having a frank conversation about money when taking a relationship to the next level is important. If this is a brand new relationship, perhaps its not the time. But if things are progressing and it’s getting to a point of commitment, it’s probably time to at least mention it. Lots of details may not be necessary until a later “next level” (like marriage) though.

I think people in the good times of a relationship think like teenagers - nothing bad can happen. Even the best of relationships can sour (and you never know when that may happen), so in my mind, it’s best to hope for the best, but plan for the worst. A pre-nup does not mean that you can’t leave the spouse more through your estate plan or that you can’t help them out when you want to. If you have a properly drafted pre-nup all it does is ensure that the spouse can’t make a claim on your money if the relationship does go down the tubes.

Many couples don’t like to think about it when they’re just about to get married - it seems like “planning for divorce.” But I think it’s also an opportunity to get ALL the cards on the table, because usually each spouse-to-be must provide a complete listing of their assets and liabilities. Also, if one of the spouses has a lot of debt, a pre-nup can keep the creditors away from the other spouse’s money.

I think you should not tell him. Therefore if he likes you he will like you for you.

Having five kids or having been addicted to painkillers is just not the same as voicing your financial status.
I would definitely wait to tell him, make sure first. Don’t allow your honesty to burn a hole in your pocket just yet :).

I have almost the opposite story of Will. Though my net worth is nowhere near $7mm (more like $1mm), I broached the topic of a pre-nup with my bride-to-be about 4 months before our wedding.

She was so surprised that I had any significant money to speak of, and so willing to sign up for pretty much anything, that I actually dropped it a few weeks later.

We’ve since been married 3 years, and I’m positive I did the right thing in my case. She’s even paid off the $15k in credit debt she brought to the marriage herself (which, to be fair, was all incurred during her graduate school years). This despite knowing we’re “a millionaire”

The general theme in the article, from Will’s comment, and from this one, is that it’s important to have open, frank, honest discussions about money before engagement and/or marriage.

Since she just “recently started seeing someone new,” I think I would give it more time before talking about it. I’ve been in the same situation. I would advise her to keep mum for a while and just be observant about how Mr. May-Be-Right handles money. It is SO worth it and NOT unromantic.

My son told his future wife early on that that would need a prenup. And as they worked through it with lawyers, it was evident that his future wife was obsessed with his wealth. I warned him that he should be firm in all negotiations with her because she appeared hungry for money, and he was. After the marriage/baby came, she wanted a trust to be amended (for more). It was against my wishes. Two years later, after she lost $15k gambling and drinking like a fish, he divorced her. The amended trust was re-amended so she got squat. Then she only got $300k in a settlement out of his $7m net worth.

Just watch yourself and get a tough prenup. After 20-25 yr of marriage you can loosen up.