Honor your grandmother’s wishes and forget about trying to keep peace in the familiy. They won’t be happy anyway.

You reap what you sow. Ignore grandma, get no inheritance. There is a reason that grandma left it to you instead, so honor her wishes.

Also, you are delusional if you think that splitting your inheritance will bring peace. It will just open the door to new arguments, and you will have strife AND only a portion of your inheritance. Give them nothing, not even a pair of ugly lamps. They will keep coming back and whine about what they DO get.

I must add that I have a wonderful cousin. When my uncle died she knew that he had wanted to leave some money for my disabled children, but never put it in the will. One day in the mail, a check for $100,000 showed up for me to use for my kids. Later, she came across a note my uncle had written stating he wanted to give me $50,000. So another surprise check in the mail. I knew of none of this, and they live in another country, so I never would have known. She just wanted to follow her dad’s wishes, even if it meant less for her. I am truly, truly blessed in my relatives.

Question for the forum: We’ve been talking about antiques. What if you inherited a large sum of money from an Aunt or Uncle, who made the money themselves, with the direction not to share it with anyone in your family, yet you have brothers and sisters who inherited nothing from them. Are you obligated to share it with the family? Is there a way to honor your Aunt or Uncle but keep peace in the family? The issue is some of the family think the Aunt or Uncle had no right to give the money and “it needs to be shared.”

This case seems cut and dried - Grandma knew and planned for YOUR inheritance. My aunt married immediately after high school, had my cousin the next year. On the other hand, my parents went to school, into military and worked before marrying. My cousin was 15 when I was born. Grandma had LOTS of marvelous antiques- in fact almost everything she had. I adored her and visiting and seeing all the quaint, old fashioned stuff. When a teenager, I really began to appreciate the ascetics and history of her antiques. She told wonderful stories of her relatives and the “old days” of the antiques. Once I told her that if she ever wanted to clear out anything, I would love to have some. She asked “What in particular?” I said “The hand cranked Victrola” “Oh, no!” she said. “I’ve already promised that to your cousin.” “That’s ok,” I replied. “How about the antique radio.” No, again. Also promised to her. After 6 more items, it was clear that my cousin has already requested practically everything.
Forty years later, at age 93 Grandma had to go a hursing home and “broke up house”. Dad called and said, “Your Grandma wants you to come by and get anything you want from her house.” I was so excited at the prospect of getting one of her wonderful items. Lo and behold, when I arrived the next day, only her modern clothes and everyday Correl dishes were left. No antiques, no jewelry, no photos, nothing with any monetary value left. My aunt and cousin had claimed all the good stuff.
I never said a word about it to Grandma, cousin or aunt. But I think it was very tacky that they took almost everything without sharing with my 2 siblings or me. It’s not like they needed it. They are wealthy (and have ALWAYS bragged about it), and we are lower-middle class.
But I have taked the high road and just hope that their karma comes around.
GOOD LUCK with your decision!

The items were left to you by your aunt. They are a small reminder for you of her life’s value.

The items themselves are not of value-the memories of your aunt are. My mother collected antique pieces her entire life and got great joy from pieces she received from family and friends. She would often tell us the stories that went with various pieces. The day my mom died much of the value of these pieces left with her. I still enjoy looking at the pieces and remembering the happiness that they brought my mom and am grateful for that, but I would give them all away in an instant to have her back-even for just a minute. Remember what really matters.

My sister’s mother-in-law - a spiteful, little woman, was always angry that her eldest son and my sister had adopted three children, with difficult backgrounds, (who had all been abused in their early lives). She hated the very idea.
My sister was 45 when they adopted, and it was a heavy load; they broke their backs to give these kids a safe loving home & what ever they could do to enhance their lives.

When the old lady died, surprise! she left everything (a LOT) to her single son, who lived nearby and saw a lot of her; they plotted this together; I know this was “family money”: the old lady’s husband was a loving father to my bro-inplaw, and the money was not only his own inheritance but he had worked hard as a doctor all his life; not her. He trusted his wife to be fair; evidently that’s not enough to trust someone. My sister & family were at the funeral, It was hundreds of miles away, with their three children. That was when they discovered they had been left out of her will completely. My sister & her husband felt shamed and humiliated that this had happened to them- it was a very public disgrace in their town. My brother in law is known by all their friends and relations as the White Sheep of the family!). Anyway, karma there is! Turns out that his younger brother is now a convicted pedophile; he abused the little boy scouts he was in charge of, over years. Now he is in jail. But his mother never knew (??) who knows. It is not really satisfying. it is very sad for all.

But - tragic to say, my sister died of cancer four years ago;- too busy with the three very needy kids to look after her own health.

My brother in law is still looking after the children in their twenties. it has been hell on wheels because abuse goes on hurting for ever.

My feeling is that this kind of revenge-taking, and will-rattling is destructive, and passes down like a horrible disease. It has to stop. My advice? Do all you can to value and love your relatives, and lead by example. It is hard to take the high road, but I think it is the best somehow.
Elizabeth
Toronto, Ontario

Everyone seems to have these “family” issues. My gram passed away, leaving a will, but a lot of items that were unspecified. This caused a lifetime of drama. My cousin scolded me repeatedly for being spoiled and bratty. I was neither. I asked for what was mine in the will, and some of the things I had purchased for my gram over the years. I was happy with a picture I had taken of my gram on our last vacation. That’s all I wanted. Also, because of the sale of my gram’s house, my mother purchased a home, and I live there with my rent as the mortgage payment. According to my cousin, this put me in the category as spoiled because I benefited directly from the sale of the house. My Aunt could do the same for her daughters, but chose not to. Not my problem. I am happy with my life. I’m happy in my house, and I cherish the years of memories I have with my gram. To me, that’s all that matters, that I remember her so that her legacy will live on.

The moral of the story is that no matter how well you define your wishes, you are trusting others to carry them out. Just be thankful that when your will is read, you will be a far better place, where material possessions do not define life.

When my Grandmother died I took her Bible, her Hymnal, and a framed picture of us from her dresser. I will admit, I did this without asking anyone. I told my Dad that I had taken the items and asked if I should talk to anyone about it. He rightly told me that no one would notice. My Aunts were so concerned about everything else in the house with or without value that they simply didn’t care about anything else. My Grandmother left a VERY specific will with VERY specific instructions to my Grandfather about how things should be divided up. She left off one of the Aunts and I was firmly instructed by my father not to feel guilty or feel that I needed to share anything that I received with her. I can say with 100% certainty that my Grandmother would be very happy to know that I followed her wishes, (and in a very un-Christian-like manner, stole her Bible - she would have totally cheered me on for that one).

Why should she give the antiques away, or even seriously think about it? If she wants to, fine, but by keeping them she is merely honoring her grandmother’s wishes. That is what a will is supposed to accomplish, however unfair it may seem. Her cousins have no reason to expect anything anyway – the stuff wasn’t theirs to divide, it was the grandmother’s. Too many people look at other people’s things and money as THEIR inheritance.

My wife’s aunt is quite ill. I doubt she’ll make it to summer.

Originally, my wife and I were executors of the will. Circumstances find me half a world away and no chance of being home in time to help wrap up her affairs.

Originally, my loser brother in law was upset that my wife and I would each recieve a small sum for handling the estate: “That’s not fair, you live in the same house why do you each get a share.”

Then, HE was upset because when the aunt asked, I agreed to be removed and replaced by another aunt. I’m in Africa and they are in Pennsylvania. She’ll pass before I can come home, and a wife’s aunt passing won’t get much love from the red cross.

The will spells out in detail what is to be done. It makes little difference who executes it, the results will be the same.

Since he feels he is getting a RAW deal, he has just started taking things. Like her car. She’s in hospice care and he has begun raiding the estate already.

But worse, My Monster in law condones his behavior because, “After all, you guys own a house and have two solid incomes, and he has nothing. Why shouldn’t he get what he wants?”

Turns out my Monster in law is upset that the aunt didn’t “Help” the loser in law more.

Kinnda funny to me since I have had some oversight on my inlaws’ investments because they really don’t understand them (7th and 9th grade educations).
My inlaws, who are upset that the aunt didn’t help the loser in law more, are in their late 70’s with no debt, three pensions, a paid for house, motorhome and three cars, and are sitting on in excess of $1M cash.

I’ve dealt with 17 years of these kinds of people. It’s ruined my marriage, we are seperated and will most likely divorce because of “Family” issues.

I SAY… Tell her NO! The will was written that way for a reason, and it is selfish and childish of [your mother] to suggest YOU do something that will make HER life easier.

Believe me, this is about making life easier for HER, and is not your concern.

First, I agree that ultimately the decision is yours, not your mother’s, as to what you decide to do. Consider what she says, but lay down the law that it’s YOUR decision what to do. As a few people have said below, these things now belong to you, not her.

Second, I think before everyone vilifies the cousins, it’s important to understand the relationship between them and the grandmother. Were they not involved in their grandmother’s life because THEIR mother was interfering? If the cousins were caught up in a storm of family politics but still loved their grandmother, it seems harsh not to consider giving them one specific item for them to cherish.

If it’s all about avarice on the part of your cousins [or their mother] to obtain some of these items, and especially if they’re looking to get things just to sell them off, tell them [and your mother] to take a long walk off a short pier. Your grandmother cherished these items (and perhaps inherited them from people she cared about), gave you these items with love, she expected you to cherish them and give them to the people you love when you pass on. Most of us can agree her intentions didn’t include anyone plundering her estate for money.

It’s tough to plow through the waters of family politics, but again as others have said…your family has no right to make you feel guilty about this.

Terrible advice. Your grandmother took the time to specify how she wanted this disbursed in her will. Honor her by keeping them.

If it becomes an issue, end it by simply saying “For whatever reason, Grandma wanted me to have these items after she passed away. I feel I would be dishonoring her wishes if I did otherwise.”

If your grandmother wanted your cousins to have some items, they would have been named in the will. Your mother has no right to tell you what to do with your inheritance.

I had a great aunt who I was very close to that never married and had no kids. She was more of a mother to me and more of a grandmother to my kids then my own mother. We talked everyday, spent time together and mostly I just enjoyed having her as a part of our family. She left me $100,000, which was the majority of her estate. The day after her funeral my mother, in front of other family members and one of my kids, got in my face and told me how that money was supposed to be hers and not mine. I just turned and walked away because that is the way my parents are, when there is a death in the family they truly believe they should benefit. And no, I did not give her anything — if my aunt would have wanted her to have anything, she would have left her something. Yes, it has ended our relationship, but it’s been her choice not mine. When you are given an inheritance no one should make you feel guilty about sharing it.

Ignore your mother. If your grandmother had wanted your mother to decide what happens to the items in question, she would have left them to her not you.

The items are no longer your grandmother’s, they are now yours and should be treated as such. You do more to honor your grandmother and her estate by continuing to care for the items in the manner she expected of you when she left them for you.

Decide what YOU think you should do, and then do it. Unless you split everything three ways, you won’t have “kept the peace”. Even if you do, though, you’ll still be the “bad guy” because you’ll appear to have only done it under pressure.

If your grandmother left the antiques to you that was her wish….She probably had reasons not to give the other parties anything….I would honor her wish and not comply with your mother.

Get rid of that stuff!

I would be on Ebay or at some antique show selling every piece of old crap that I had. The economy is tough these days. You should sell whatever you can and invest that money or keep it in an emergency account. Don’t wait until hard times hit. Do it now!!!!

Oh my! Here we go with the handouts once more!

Miss, your Grandmother willed these objects to YOU to dispose of as YOU see fit; likely with the idea in mind that her beautiful things would find a warm and happy home with you as opposed to being sold, bartered away, or neglected.

Your mother is SO FAR OUT OF LINE here it is unimaginable, and you need not take her request as anything other than the wrong-headed, short-sighted, manipulation that it is.

If (and only IF) you feel these cousins deserve this largesse FROM YOU (your Grandmother IS gone, these items ARE yours, and any gift of them comes from YOU, not your Grandmother), will take care of them, and so on, should you even THINK for ONE SECOND about giving these girls some part of your legacy.

Frankly, the mere fact that you felt chary of this request enough to write in about it is telling. By the way, if you say no to this obnoxious ask, you are NOT being selfish. You are honoring your Grandmother’s memory.

“Share and share alike,” works for cookies, punch, soda pop, and even toys. It does not work well at ALL when the person who wishes to be shared TO (not with) is in fact an avaricious, backbiting, bitching, whining, moaning, ungrateful complainer.

You didn’t say, but just what did Grandmother leave your cousins? Absolutely NOTHING, I hope.

As for your mother - she wants peace in the family? Tell HER to cough up some $ or whatever to the cousins to make that peace. This is not your burden, and your shiftless, feckless, worthless, demanding, and manipulative mother is trying to make your cousin’s unworthiness your problem.

I say no.

To Bryan, Austin and the other one below. I didn’t say don’t help your kid to go to college if you have the dough. If you do have the dough, feel free to do so. And if you feel that taking advantage of a 20 year bull market to build wealth is wrong, then perhaps you should go live in a country that is not steeped in capitalism like this one. This whole discussion goes way beyond inheritances. I gave this country four years of my life and was in a shooting war where I could have been killed like many of fellow soldiers. That gives me the right to say anything I want. Freedom tastes different when you are walking point on a search and destroy mission with an M16 in your hand. So I earned the GI Bill benefits I went to college on. You see, the problem here is that people in this country figure it is a God given right to sit around and wait for something to bail them out of the mess they are in. I know idiots who withdrew their retirement, HELOCed their house or some other such stupid thing to give their kids a college education. They wind up eating catfood when they are old and become welfare recipients. The feeling here is that, because you breath air, you are entitled to spend more than you make, buy houses and other “stuff” you can’t afford on credit cards and consumer debt and then wait for an inheritance or the gov’t to bail you out. Where do you think the current mess in the financial markets comes? From people living beyond their means and buying junk they cannot afford and houses that are beyond paychecks. If you have kids, help them all you can up to the point where your life will slide downhill. Then quit. Your kids will be here long after you. Why do you think most of the answers on this blog point to the fact that these people expecting something for no reason are leeches? Because the people that reared them placed that in their portfolio growing up. You want to give you children something? Give them courage and integrity, self-reliance and the ability to fend for themselves. If you don’t, they become whiney adults who figure everyone else, like the grandma in this case, owes them something. ‘Nuff said.

Before you get too excited, find out what the stuff is worth. Not how much an appraiser says it’s worth - what someone will pay you.

I have some experience in these matters. You may be surprised at what a “priceless” antique is worth.

(Hint: The Salvation Army wouldn’t take mine.)

Great discussion! These inherited antiques are yours, the same way your house is yours, your clothing is yours, your jewelry is yours. The ultimate decision of what to do with any of these belongings is yours. The fact that your grandmother thought so highly of you to bequeath her precious antiques speaks volumes about how she felt about you and that she thought you would enjoy them. She could have ordered them sold and simply left you the money. She didn’t. She left you the antiques that you seem to think very highly of.

I read in your letter a little guilt and some real apprehension about having to face your mother and say “no” and face your cousins after you’ve said “no”. Go buy the book called “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud. Guilt is a pretty worthless emotion and getting angry about other people’s tackiness is a waste of your time. This book will teach you how to listen to that quiet little voice in your heart that is telling you those antiques are rightfully yours and should be cherished by you without guilt. This book will also teach you how to have that conversation with your mother. It changed my life.

The guy from Seattle and J.Middle America, I feel for you. My Grandmother’s sister, who had no children, and who was long divorced left everything to me.

She was a tough, no-nonsense lady. When she was divorced in the 40’s, she went and got a graduate degree and become a professional. Although she inherited nothing, over the years she saved her money and invested it wisely. At the time of her death she was worth > $1.5M.

No one in the family had anything to do with her because she called a spade a spade. If she felt you could do better, she told you. If she thought you had wasted your life, she told you. Like I said, she was tough, but very fair.

Anyway, I had a relationship with her lasting 27 years. Even though I lived over 5 hours away from her, for the last 8 years of her life, at her request, I increasingly took over her financial matters and made sure she was taken care of. 4 years before she died, when she was completely lucid, she wrote her last will. As she started to decline, I made sure she had meals on wheels, I took her to the doctor, and finally when she was no longer allowed to stay in her house by herself, I arranged for her care and moved her next to me into an assisted living facility. In the last month of her life, she caught pnuemonia - which ended up killing her. I was with her as she lay dying. And was with her when she passed. No one from my family: sent flowers, called her or came out to say good-bye. Nothing.

About 4 months before she died, a VERY WEALTHY sibliing of mine said: “I heard she has a lot of money, what is she doing to do with it?” I said, I don’t know, but she had once told me I was her sole heir, but had never seen a will. That created a firestorm: “That’s family money. She just can’t give it to you.” This sibling called up other siblings and told them I was essentially trying to steal her money. Which created a bigger firestorm. “She has no right to give you that money” (I’m not making this up). I reminded this sibling, this lady had not inherited a thing. It was all “her” money. Moreover, like the guy from Seattle, she told me that she either: did not approve of the way the others in the family had lived their lives, or had no relationship for over 40 years with them, or both, but in any event, not to “give them any of my money.” When her lawyer advised her to stipulate that in the will, that she was specifically excluding other family members, she balked and said: “why do I need to do that?” Because they might be expecting something. “That’s ridiculous, I don’t even know these people. I have spoken to them in 40 years. Why in the world would they expect me to give them something?” So she didn’t say anything else in the will expect that I was her sole heir.

It’s been misery ever since. I haven’t seen that sibling in over 4 years. That sibling has called up all the distant members of the family and told them I am rich and that I manipulated an old lady to give me “the family fortune.” I get calls from distant relatives, down on their luck, who tell me their tales of woe.

Little piece of advice: in your will, make it very clear why you are leaving your money to who you are leaving it to. And be very specific why you aren’t leaving it to others. My life has been hell since she died.

So, what do I do, violate her wishes and split the money. Or keep the money and keep the family war going? I really don’t know.

Tell um ta kiss your patutie Rudy. Now they won’t speak ta ya. How could you get so lucky. I should smile. Sounds like the mutts in my family. Send em all a dollar and tell them ta call someone that cares.

The cousins have already missed out on spending the last 10 years of their time with (presumably) a wonderful woman, their grandmother. I hate inheritances. You can never “make peace.” If it is truly them making the request (and not just Mom) they clearly have poor priorities in choosing a few antiques over spending time with their grandmother before she passed. My parents are always talking about putting a little aside for me. My sister married into a wealthy family and I think they feel like it’s their responsibility to even the gap. I tell them every time I’d much rather they spend their money and enjoy their retirement, or if anything save it for the care they will need as they get older. I don’t want/expect anything, just their time and love. The same is true of all my grandparents. It helps that nobody has any money or family heirlooms, certainly helps keep the peace!

I have had two situations which bear some similarities. In the first, my father died of brain cancer without a will. The nature if his illness prevented him from making any final distribution of his things. I was his guardian when he was alive and his sole caretaker. My sister did absolutely nothing to assist. When my dad died, I gave her half of everything because my father loved her just as much as me, regardless of whether she did anything to help. He would have been terribly disappointed if I used my advantage to slight her, despite what she would do with it (blow it). She blew through the money faster than it came in and lost many of his items (including her part of his ashes) by not paying storage fees. All of that is irrelevant because my father would have wanted her to have it and it wasn’t my place to prevent her from having it regardless of what she’d do with it.

The second situation was when my father’s mother died. She has had no relationship with my sister and found her to be a greedy, unscrupulous person. She left everything to me in her will; the house and the money. In this instance, I will share nothing. My sister (and your cousins) reaped the rewards of a rotten relationship. They got nothing; they are owed nothing. My grandma would be furious if I gave anything to my sister who would blow it, pawn it or lose it. She specifically chose not to give my sister anything and I will honor that choice. It was not an oversight; it was a directive.

It seems that your situation falls clearly in the second category. This wasn’t given to you by default. You maintained a relationship with your grandmother, for this she gave you the things she loved. Do not take this gift so lightly as to freely hand it to people who will not honor these gifts as you do. Your cousins can think what they want, but if they are adults, they had opportunities to form a relationship with Grandma despite their mother’s poor relationship.

It is not your responsibility to make up for their relationship. You do not owe them a promise of money or antiques in the future to them, or their children. People should maintain good relationships for the sake of family, but when they do not; they cannot expect rewards. If they were so interested in these family treasures, they should have treasured the family that owned them.

It is ridiculous to expect that they can just bully you into giving them the benefits of the estate. Distributing these items among the family members serves no greater purpose. They only want the “stuff” because it is of financial value.

Sounds like the silly sort of suggestion MY mother would make. “Go compensate for other people’s relationships”.

Keep the antiques and leave them to whomever you want to. If that includes your cousins, fine. They were gifts to you and while you own them and have a right to do what you want, I think it is wrong to counter your grandmother’s wishes.

Tell your mom that you cannot be responsible for the relationships (and failures) of others.

I love people like George (below) who like to fancy themselves self-made men, when in reality their wealth was built on the back of a 20-year bull market in equities and real estate which was largely subsidized by expanding federal deficit spending, which will have to be repaid by future generations.

To say nothing of the great entitlements (GI Bill, Social Security, Medicare) that generation has reaped but which current and future generations have no expectation to share.

[I think] the individuals posting on this blog are remarkably greedy individuals.

The leaps and assumptions made are sad to say the least; but the conclusions that are jumped to are disappointing to me. As I read the original note I see one side of story. Statements like “you owe them nothing” or “tell them to jump in a lake” are embarrassing responses given the one-sidedness of this question. It seems to me that the posters to this blog are equally greedy here. Most of you would keep the family treasures for the same reasons you say the other family members don’t deserve it – self-serving greed.

I hope that most of these items were not left to this person with her grandmother’s intent for her to [decide] what’s best. I’ve seen many a senior citizen create these sorts of arrangements within their final Will because they had little idea how to best handle it. “My granddaughter Suzie will know what’s best.”

Suzie best think twice before asking for this groups’ advice again!

Personally, I’d like to understand why the items were left to this individual and what expectations her grandmother had set, either explicit or implied.

George, you have issues dude. While I agree with most of things you say, why would you make life on your children harder than it needs to be? You fought to make your life better (kudos), but why would you want your children to do the same. If you can afford to help your kids go to college, you should. That’s just being selfish.

George…. you should probably do a little more smelling of coffee and less drinking of it….. calm down there, chief.

… These things can get so ugly. When my great aunt passed (never married, no kids), we went to her apartment after the funeral to find the place in shambles. Being a kid, I hunted through discards and found a 10k ring that was supposedly for her confirmation or something. I treasure it decades later.

At the restaurant later that day, we saw a non-relative’s car full of my aunt’s belongings - including Christmas gifts from us with the tags still on.

Then her brother, my dad’s uncle, accused my dad, the executor and a lawyer, of taking money from the estate. The estate - my parents had to pay the difference in the burial bill/estate funds. Hellooo

Family. Gotta love ‘em.

Here, the will is specific (ethically and morally). The woman CHOSE to give her possessions to you. End of story. What you CHOOSE to do is your own thing as they are now yours. But ask yourself why your grandmother didn’t divide it up in the will? Then, put your mind at rest and don’t let your mother say another word on it.

My parents spent almost all of it. My oldest sister took care of my mother at the last and got nothing for it. I enjoyed watching my other sister’s husband salivate for the last couple hundred dollars (which he and she did not receive). I have already given my sons the best inheritance: a work ethic, integrity, sense of charity. If I do leave them anything material, it will be far less in value than what I have already given them.

A few things to keep in mind:
I assume both you and your cousins are adults. They may blame your aunt for the poor relationship between them and your grandmother, but at the end of the day, they CHOSE to continue to ignore her after they turned 18. They may have shown their mother loyalty by treating grammy like scum, but that was their choice and they can’t have it both ways now that grandma is gone.

Also, giving the antiques to you was a gift from your grandmother. In my opinion, you don’t really have the right to second-guess her intentions. She didn’t accidentally leave them out of the will. Really - how can ANYONE expect you to become involved in their trivial arguments just because you were the recipient of some furniture? If a recipient were a long lost relative they had never met before, would they have the audacity to demand that person share with them? They only dare pressure you because they think they will get away with it and benefit in the end.

What I think you should tell your family is this: You do not know what grandma used as the deciding factors in determining who would receive what in her will, but you do not feel comfortable going against her wishes. Say that you cherish the items you have received dearly, and that you plan on creating a will of your own that will pass on those treasured items to those who mean the most to you when you pass on.

You could also add to your mother that the family problems were between your grandmother and your aunt/cousins and that, unfortunately, repairing those relationships now is impossible. Also let mom know that you feel a little uncomfortable with the suggestion that things should be on you to repair family relationships - that you have not wronged your cousins in the past and you do not plan on wronging them in the future, and that any percieved slight is their own.

I believe you should keep the antiques and suggest that your mother get counseling for sticking her nose in other people’s business. Ethically, you owe these people nothing. My version of inheritance is this: if it were me, I would spend all of my money enjoying my life. I would leave next to nothing for anybody. I do not owe children or anyone else an inheritance. It is my money. Not theirs. They can go work for it like I did. I also do not owe my children a college education. I got drafted, went to school on the Vietnam GI Bill and worked fulltime to pay the difference. No one gave me anything. Today is all about what someone owes you. An inheritance, the government, whoever. Wake up and smell the coffee. NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING.

Tell mom to jump in the lake and don’t give them anything. If your grandma wanted them to have [these things], she would have made provisions for it. Keep peace in the family> You’ve got to be kidding. Look at it this way. If the situation was reversed, would they share with you? Probably not.

The cousins are selfish and greedy. If they cared about Grandma they would have talked to her or visited. Not doing so exempted them from any kindness she would want to share at her passing.

The one who CARED about her is the only one to make the decision of who to give what to.

I’d do what another poster suggested and give each cousin 1 lower value item each and hide the rest in storage.

Here’s a thought. Ask your relatives if they will help with the inheritance tax should you pass on a few of the antiques to them. May not answer your dilemma, but may shed some light on how much they want it shared.

If you share with your cousins, you are urinating on your grandmother’s grave.
She willed the items to you, as she knew you would have nothing to do with this type of greed. The fact that your mother, aunt, and/or cousins have taken it upon themselves to attempt to guilt you into sharing these items with the ingrates is actually funny. If any member of my family were to ask me for something that my grandmother left me, the answer would be simple-you can vie for them when they scatter my ashes-until then, you must visit me at my home to see them-plain and simple, they are yours. Where is it written in that will that you are to give them away? Your grandmother gave them to you because she knew you would appreciate them-she knew her legacy would be passed down the way it should, to children you taught the same ethics and morals your grandmother taught you!
Keep them. If the others don’t like it tough luck-they are idiots for asking in the first place. You, by sending this letter have told us much about your family and their greed. Take the advice given here. Don’t just refuse-distance yourself from these people before they influence your kids to be ass h*&$s too!

The antiques were a departing gift from your grandmother. They are now your sole possessions to do with as you please. The antiques no longer belong to your grandmother. Your mother is asking you to give away something which she sees as still belonging to your grandmother.
Your mother raised you and instilled your sense of judgement, do what you think is best.
Maybe as a practical approach you can give some pieces to your mother, if she wishes to pass them on, then that’s what she’s chosen to do with her gift.

Enjoy your grandmothers antiques and good memories of your grandmother, and forget family greed. My mother had a living trust which I was successor trustee of. Everyone had an equal share in the estate. Siblings took it to court at a cost of ten’s of thousands of dollars to the estate, and nothing was acomplished except bitterness. I coud write a book on this one. Family “HA.” Don’t need them.

Your grandmother wrote that will so that you would get it for a reason. Honor her memory and do what SHE wanted done.

“Go on, take the money and run…”

How about a slightly different twist. To honor your grandmother’s wishes, you keep the antiques and enjoy them while you are living. You stipulate in your will that they are to go to both your children (if you have any) as well as to your cousins’ children. You let your mother and your cousins know that this is what you are doing.

Your grandmother gave you those antiques knowing that you would cherish and keep them. Not sell them.
Give the situation some thought and do what you think is right.

Take $20.00, go to a flea market, buy two or three of the most ugly antiques and give them to your cousins. That way you can say they got something, and if they don’t like it, tell them tuff — you tried.

Your grandmother made the decision about whom to give her posessions to. It’s not your mother’s place to second guess your grandmother’s wishes. That said, you need to do what you think is the right thing. You know the situation in your family–we do not. Obviously, your grandmother’s relationship with your cousins wasn’t the best. If they want something simply to remember her by, I think I’d be inclined to let them have something of my choosing. However, if they are being motivated by greed, think I’d be inclined to sell some of the antiques and make a donation to charity with the proceeds–in their name. That would give them something to think about, at least.

Someone (your mother, your aunt, your cousins) has a problem. They are trying to make it your problem. Don’t let them. Peace in the family and their happiness wasn’t your responsibility before, and it’s still not. They’re completely wrong for trying to make you feel bad. Your Grandma loved you…and still does. She already showed you what she wants…

I think to heck with them and do what you know is right. In my family the will is set in stone. We all get one fith and there is no crying the blues.

It’s not really clear where your mom’s request is coming from. I guess we’re just assuming that it’s from the cousins/aunt? If your grandmother left you items that have a lot of significance to you, DO NOT part with them! When someone close to you passes, all you have left are those and the memories that come with it.

Ethically, you’re not obliged to give them anything. Do what you feel is right. If you know they’re going to sell the items because they don’t have that connection with grandma, then don’t give them anything. I mean, if you’re just giving them something they’ll sell for money, how is that really supposed to repair any missing bond with grandma??

In the meantime, suggest to your mom that she use her own inheritance to “make things right” if she thinks that will actually work. If Mom really was so concerned about peace in the family, she should’ve jumped in those last 10 years to help make things right, instead of putting you in this position.

When your grandmother died she left her antiques to you - to you, not to your cousins!!! I think that says a lot!! If your mother has a problem, she can share her stuff.

I am in a very similar situation. I took care of an elderly Aunt for 6 years. The rest of the family didn’t like her, and never did a thing for her. When she wrote her will, she told me: “I am going to leave you everything. Don’t you dare share a nickel with the rest of them. You are the only one who did anything with your life. And it’s obvious they don’t give a damn about me, why should I give a damn about them.” Still, I was told by my siblings that I was essentially at fault for being her sole heir. And was under a lot of pressure to evenly divide the inheritence amongst them - totally in violation of my Aunt’s wishes. I have paid for their kid’s school and will assume the responnsibility for the care of my mother who is penniless, because my siblings don’t have the means to care for her and are all deeply in debt. So, I don’t want to give them money, watch them blow it, and then still have to care for my Mom with less money, imperiling my ability to educate my kids.

Grandma left the stuff to you. By giving your cousins anything you would be going against her wishes. Tell your aunt and cousins they are now reaping what they sowed, so tough luck. Keep all the things your grandma left you and cherish them. Grandma had the right to give her stuff to whoever she wanted. She also had the right to OMIT whoever she wanted. It is not up to auntie, mom or cousins to change that after her death. By the way, you’ll have a lot of peace once these whiners are no longer speaking to you.

Your grandmother gave these things to you. You are under no ethical obligation to rethink her wishes. Personally, I am offended for you that your mother would ask you [to do this] for your cousins. This is the worst sort of manipulation/triangulation that can be visited upon you. I think that it is your family that needs the ethical (and perhaps psychological) counseling. Lastly, no matter how you would slice and dice it, short of giving away all of your inheritance I suspect your cousins will not be happy. When you reach adulthood, I think it is fair to determine which of your relatives you want to continue in your life and which you don’t. If your cousins want to try to make you miserable because of the gift given to you, who needs them? Enjoy your inheritance.

I feel she is under no obligation to give away what she inherited. If her grandmother wished for those antiques to go to others, then she would have specified that. This isn’t about keeping the peace because the bottom line is grandma gave her stuff to the person she felt would care for her things, and giving those items away won’t be in line with her dying wishes. It’s pretty greedy and rude for anyone to assume they are entitled to the cherished belongings of a relative unless they had a hand in getting those items to begin with. If the relatives were so interested in keeping the peace then they would have made an effort to be a part of their grandmother’s life instead of lurking after she passed.

“We are talking about “ethics” here. The ethical thing to do is to share the antiques with your cousins. You don’t want them to go through life with a chip on their shoulder, always thinking “grandma didn’t give me anything”. Ethically, I would say your grandma should have been obligated to at least recognize every grandchild with something. If your cousins didn’t get a single thing, then I would say you and your mom are obligated to help make sure they get something.”

This is certainly not what I would consider ethical. Equality does not equal ethical, no matter how many ways you assert it. The grandmother gave the antiques to her granddaughter because she wanted her to have them. They are hers, and giving her cousins an equal split will do nothing to repair family relations.

Frankly, you are probably better off without interacting with people with this sense of entitlement (I assume that not sharing the inheritance will cause strife within the family).

“You can never get enough of what you don’t need and what you don’t need will NEVER satisfy.” By definition, it will never be enough because it doesn’t satisfy. I heard these comments from a church leader, and I believe there is soundness in these points. Your cousin will never be satisfied, so giving the gift may do more harm than good.

Think about it.

Back in my old country, (somewhere in Europe) parents distrubute their tangible wealth to their children before dying (save early accidental deaths.) That is the just thing to do, knowing that you eliminate fighting and arguing on how to divvy amongst your kids. The law also allows for a tax free transfer of property before death. Such an arrangement is predetermined and everyone gets what they are given. No arguments. Unfortunately, now a days in the US, there is such breakdown of family that parents are fearfull of being abandoned and hold on to everything until the end. Shame.

The inheritance is a GIFT … should I repeat this? Your cousins deserve whatever they worked for in their lives. If your mom passed away, should you HAVE to share your inheritance with your cousins too? They are brow-beating your mom. Your grandmother left these gifts to you … it was HER choice. If you have any respect for your grandmother, then you should respect her wishes.

Throw the stuff away if it is eating away at you or sell it and donate the proceeds. Don’t let these feelings fester.

If your mother wants to keep peace so badly, let her give away her own things. Don’t let her shove the job off on you.

And hide the smaller, more portable antiques if your mom, aunt, or cousins ever come over. Trust me.

You would not be doing your grandma justice. She left them out of the will as she probably knew that you would cherish the items more than anyone else. Your cousins did not care enough to get in contact for a number of years with your grandmother, so why should you be the one to make peace for them? It was not your responsibility!

I have to laugh when I read some of the responses listed here. Before my mom passed, she and my dad went through everything of any sort of value (whether it was monetary or sentimental) and asked us kids to tell them what we liked/wanted and for us to tell them how they should leave everything. I laughed and told them: Spend it all and use the last dime to call us. I think so much that is wrong with America now is the sense of entitlement many children/heirs have. I was overjoyed when I heard how the will doled out the estate of my great-aunt. She gave most to charities and split a fair amount to 6 of her nieces/nephews………the 6 who had made the most of their opportunities. The remainder who were “waiting for their cut” were left out. Karma is a wonderful thing.

Keep the antiques — if your grandmother wanted them to have them, she would have given them to them. I had a similiar situation when a cousin DEMANDED that I give her my grandfather’s family herloom, something my dad was given. I told her NUTs, and she stopped speaking to me. Wow, like I missed that.

Absolutely, positively, keep the antiques, and enjoy them as if none of the complaining happened. Your Grandmother gave them as a gift to you, most likely to honor and recognize the gift you gave to her of your love and care throughout her life, AND because she knew you would treasure them. To give them to relatives who did not show this same care would be direspectful of Grandma’s wishes.

Portland Or wrote: We are talking about “ethics” here. The ethical thing to do is to share the antiques with your cousins. You don’t want them to go through life with a chip on their shoulder, always thinking “grandma didn’t give me anything”. Ethically, I would say your grandma should have been obligated to at least recognize every grandchild with something. If your cousins didn’t get a single thing, then I would say you and your mom are obligated to help make sure they get something.

Please tell me you are kidding. The person who received the antiques is under no obligation (ethical or otherwise) to share with the cousins. When my father’s mother died, she only gave things to my three counsins & left out me & my siblings. We were all fine with that as we did not get along with her & would not have valued anything she gave us.

By chance did you go through something like this & end up with nothing?

This reminds me of when my Godmother Mary died years ago. She was a business woman all her life and had beautiful antiques all over her house. When I visited her one day when she was older, my wife admired one of them. “On no dear, you can’t have that. That has cousin so-and-so’s name on it.” Seems that all the cousins went through the house and put their names on all of her possessions in anticipation of her death. She asked me if I would like anything…a few items were left. I told her that I just wanted her to be comfortable and happy (which I did). She gave me a sneaky smile and said “That’s what I thought”.
Later that year she passed away. In her will she wrote that all antiques were not to be given to anyone but to be sold at auction.

Although she did remember a few of her relatives in the will, most of her money went to charity and a little sum went to the only non-relative cited in the will: me. I used that money to help finish my Masters in Business Administration, which she always asked me about….

You can’t hope to make a bunch of sour-puss whiners happy. They will always have a chip on their shoulder. What self-rightous gall to do an end-around and work your mother over to put the pressure on you. The blood is already bad, so no point trying to fix [things]. Ignore these requests.

I agree with Rex, no one “deserves” an inheritance. Your cousins seem like greedy opportunists, and your grandmother must have known this, which is why she left her antiques to you.

I wonder if she had left debt instead of treasures, if your cousins would be asking to share the load?

“This is not your problem, and your cousins are scum for asking. Hold your head up high that your grandmother loved you, and enjoy her presence in your life.”

There is nothing to indicate the cousins asked for anything. It’s your mother who appears to be asking you to share.

Your grandmother’s wishes have already been fulfilled. She gave you the antiques, presumably to do with as you choose unless she told you otherwise. You can choose to keep your mother happy by giving some away, or choose to make her unhappy by keeping them all for yourself.

It has nothing to do with your grandmother, aunt or cousins. It is a question between you and your mother. Which is more important to you, the antiques or your mother’s affections?

There are few things in life that we have complete control over. To whom we leave our hard earned possessions and money is one. Your grandmother acted as she wanted, and you’ve no obligation to usurp those wishes.

Your Grandmother’s will, by definition, determined what she wanted done with her posessions after her death. No matter what their intent, your cousins distanced themselves from your grandmother in her last years; whatever her intent, your Grandmother made her will as she wanted to make it.

Families often fracture after a matriarch or patriarch passes away, but the seeds of that break are planted while the elder still lives.

I doubt that giving the antiques to your cousins will result in their having stronger ties to your Mother or to you, but even if it did, it would define the nature of your relationship as being about you giving stuff to them.

If you treasure your memories of your Grandmother by keeping and treasuring the antiques she gave you, I would encourage you to keep them.

I went through an inheritance debacle recently. We had a similar situation where the 3 heirs were treated unequally. One heir thought this was unfair and we did our best to accomodate them by giving up part of our share. The heir has not talked to us since, and we now have the guilt of not following mother’s wishes. We lost money AND a relationship by trying to keep people happy. As was pointed out before, the cousins, with their sense of entitlement will NEVER be happy.

Sounds like a family nightmare to me. I think no matter what happens nobody will be satisfied. Better put the unhappy mood out front and see what matters. Peace or Upset. Good luck, there is no price for happiness and cooperation. Sorry you can’t pick your family. Hope you deal with the upset sooner than later. After 2-10 years usually the dust finally settles.

We are talking about “ethics” here. The ethical thing to do is to share the antiques with your cousins. You don’t want them to go through life with a chip on their shoulder, always thinking “grandma didn’t give me anything”. Ethically, I would say your grandma should have been obligated to at least recognize every grandchild with something. If your cousins didn’t get a single thing, then I would say you and your mom are obligated to help make sure they get something.

I am totally appalled by the response of the writers to your question. This is about your grandmother’s wishes, period. If grandma wanted the other grandchildren to have some of her estate, she would have left it to them. This is not your problem, and your cousins are scum for asking. Hold your head up high that your grandmother loved you, and enjoy her presence in your life.

If you give away these heirlooms that you value, and they do not, you’ll regret it. If your mom asked you to give your relatives your house that you saved for years to purchase, in order to “keep peace in the family”, would you do it? Of course not! How is this really any different?

Regardless of what you do, sell these items on ebay as you will certainly profit from the experience. That’s what I would do. Leave a few items for your aunts to keep them happy.

DO NOT part with your grandmothers treasures.She made her wishes known and they should be honored.

Funny that after 10 years, the termites finally come out to see what’s left. Keep the antiques — they were given to you

Giving them some of the antiques isn’t going to change their resentment of the situation. No matter what she gives them, the aunt will be upset that, in her eyes, her kids didn’t get all that they should.

We had a similar issue in our family but it was just between the kids. The mother left her small amount of jewelry to the only daughter. The daughter felt guilty (thanks to the whining of one sibling) and after a few years, gave some to each one. She let the oldest know that her share would go to his daughter when she died. When the dad died ten years later, the oldest resented not being named executor; the daughter was because she lived nearby. He thought it unfair that the estate was divided equally between all four kids and lashed out at the daughter reminding her that she had already gotten more than her fair share by inheriting the mother’s jewelry. He’d completely forgotten that she had divided it up between them!

Keep the stuff — if your grandmother wanted them to have something, she would have said so in her will.

In my opinion, nobody “deserves” any inhertance.

If you are lucky enough to receive an inheritance, you and you alone decide what you will do with it. If your grand mother wanted someone else to have her antiques, they would already have them (now wouldn’t they?)

Your mother is trying to control you…as I suspect she has done your entire life.

Enjoy your inheritance, whether you sell the antiques or keep them. Their value belongs to you.

Enjoy them without guilt!

If Grandma wanted them to have them AND she trusted them to keep them in the family, she would have left some of the antiques to her other grandchildren. She did not do so and you are under NO obligation to go againt her wishes. Interesting that your Grandmother left the antiques to you and not your Mom. Perhaps she didn’t trust your Mom as far as your nieces and her sister are concerned.

Forget the family peace. They will never be satisfied.

I have to agree with J. To hell with people who feel they are entitled to anything. Where were they when the grandmother was entitled to respect and love from her own family members?

If grandma clearly wanted these items conveyed in a certain way, it would dishonor her memory to ignore those wishes. There is no peace to keep, and there has been no peace for over ten years. If the granddaughter would be pleased to give some of these items away, she should please herself, but she should keep in mind any tax consequences.

If they did not maintain a relation with your grandmother, they don’t deserve a dime. They must realize it; if you cave in to your mom’s pressure - you are encouraging your aunt / cousins’ behavior.