My son is 28 yrs old and a late bloomer, firstly he is still a virgin, he met a woman with a child, he has no friends, as he chose not to as he is a Christian, I am a minister. This woman is 37 with a child.

My son has known her for a couple of weeks, and just told me they are in love, he is coming home at 2:00 am.

I first saw him attempting to minister to her after she placed a note on our car asking if my son is married.

I was out of the house, and returned at 12am bringing my younger daughter from work, and found my son in my house, the woman’s 3 year old in my house, and my son was taking our personal family picture album to her house without asking me. I was upset. Should I be upset, or concerned?

You should strive to inspire her to better her life until you die.

Financially speaking, if you fulfilled your obligations (love, support, time spent, teaching good work ethic, and paid for their college), you should cut them loose if they show no signs of improvement by 25. Give them plenty of warning, and help them overcome obstacles. But, if they aren’t self sufficient by 25 (or at least on the way), they probably will never be self sufficient.

Another option would be to make her start paying her own way. Charge her rent, and make her pay part of the groceries and utilities. This way, your miserly husband won’t complain about the effect on your retirement. In fact, with this option, you would be able to save more money because of the rental income.

I realize it’s not popular to charge your kids rent. It might be the thing that finally gets her to start pulling her own weight.

Good luck.

Are you kidding me? I left my parents home and went to college/grad school, rented an apartment for 5 years and bought a house as single woman a year later. My father actually thought I should stay home until marriage. Grow up and get out!!! It’s not so bad out there in the REAL WORLD.

Sorry to say, Chris, from Palatka, FL, but managing the investment of large sums of money (even that someone has given you) can in fact be a learned endeavor and a full-time job. Please reconsider what you wish your parents did and didn’t provide you.

To Jason:

“That 72 inch Plasma? Got it. BMW? Got it. Lotus? Got it. Money in the brokerage? Yep, and growing nicely. Now the best parts: free rent, free food (and prepared too!), free house cleaning, free laundry, free utilities, free…well everything. My mom gets to see me everyday and my Dad has someone to talk to and go to Cubs games with. My overall advice is not to leave home if you can. Unless your situation is unhealthy or intolerable, it’s financially the best deal you’ll walk away from.”

While I am sure that you are OK with this situation, I think that if you can afford these luxuries you can afford to live out on your own. It’s too bad your parents are enablers for your own selfishness.

The absolute best thing my parents did for me, ever, in my entire life.. was to toss me out of their house on my butt at the age of 19. In fact, I think they waited a year or two longer than they should have. I was forced to find a place to live, find a job, and get my affairs in order right quick. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you have to. Now I’m more financially secure than my parents are, and my career is progressing beautifully.

…Well, first things first, to the Questioner: If you feel like working past retirement so Nora can lead the type of life you want her to lead, go for it! Let your husband hang it up and relax. …

Now my own personal take is a bit different from the rest ‘o my contemporaries here. Yes, I have a grad degree; yes, I have student loans; yes, it’s hard to find quality work you like; yes, I live at home; yes, I could totally move out and live comfortably, but why would I want to do that? Monetarily you do better by lowering your expenses if you can’t increase income. Besides I love living at home!

All my experiences in life, which many of you have shared, have taught me that there’s no incentive to move away. Starving as an undergrad and sight-seeing in Iraq to pay for it; scrounging thru grad school and loading pallets to pay rent. I never had the things I wanted or the free time to enjoy being “independent”. So you know what? I moved back. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. Suffice to say, I’m much happier.

That 72 inch Plasma? Got it. BMW? Got it. Lotus? Got it. Money in the brokerage? Yep, and growing nicely. Now the best parts: free rent, free food (and prepared too!), free house cleaning, free laundry, free utilities, free…well everything. My mom gets to see me everyday and my Dad has someone to talk to and go to Cubs games with. My overall advice is not to leave home if you can. Unless your situation is unhealthy or intolerable, it’s financially the best deal you’ll walk away from.

p.s- Jesus lived with his parents too!

As a lot of other people have said, it depends on whether or not Nora is financially dependent due to extreme circumstances or not. The job market is difficult to penetrate right now, and even though I’ve yet to find a job for post-graduation, I still strive to be independent.

To: Yadgyu, Harkeyville, TX : December 9, 2007 3:09 pm
If you’d done some research, you’d know that art directors can make up to $75k a year. Yes, that is a position you have to work up to, but not all art majors end up living like a bum. FYI, I applied for the art program knowing that my starting pay would be no more than $25k a year…and FYI, one person CAN live off of that provided that they budget properly. There are plenty of starting jobs that won’t earn you $40,000 a year; unless you’ve been living under a rock you’d know that.

As for the difference between private and public schools, you’re clearly missing the fact that many private schools provide a better program and/or education. And unfortunately, there are companies out there who will hire you based on where you got your degree at.

Working retail after four years of college does not make you an idiot; if you can’t find an appropriate job, at the very least you have a way to pay the bills. I’d say that makes you smart, and not some snooty, spoiled brat who thinks he’s above the customer service industry just because of a piece of paper. Additionally, life isn’t solely about paying the bills and living the grand life. I’m sorry for you because you sound like you hate your job, whatever you do. I’ll probably never be able to afford a new house in some prominent neighborhood by myself, but at least I’ll love what I do and will be satisfied with my life. In my opinion, I’m better off than you.

It seems that no solution can really be proposed to this problem without more information. What, exactly, does “late-bloomer” mean? If she’s in school, that’s a very different situation than someone just trying to “figure out what they want to do with their life” while being unemployed and living at their parents’ home.
There is certainly no time limit to being an emotionally supportive and responsible parent, but letting your child malinger at home is a serious disservice to them. I’m all for helping children with school (I haven’t gotten any financial help for my education, and am tens of thousands of dollars in debt for my degree), but if they are not in school or aren’t actively seeking full-time employment, they have no business living on their parents’ dime. If they are trying to save for a particular goal (house, grad school, etc), it’s reasonable for them to live at their parents’ house- provided they pay a reasonable rent, utilities, food, and other expenses.
I would seriously question the motives of any 28-year-old person leeching off their parents if they aren’t in medical school or disabled or an equivalent. I loved my parents, but there was no way that I was going to live at home after I graduated from high school.

The problem in our society today is a lot of the younger generation do not feel they need to do anything - they want everyone else to do it for them. They’ve been raised in a society where they’ve been given everything without being taught to earn it or even the responsibility to take care of it. Who is really to blame? Do you really have to ask that question? It’s the parents.
People are so self-absorbed. They don’t care about anything outside themselves, and that does include their children. They don’t want to take the time to raise their children after they have them, so they expect everyone else to do it for them, or they “buy” their children by giving them every material item on the market, rather than the things ALL children need: love, discipline, and a parent(s).
In effect, we are raising a society of lazy, narcissistic adults who, when it comes down to it, don’t give a crap about anyone or anything but themselves.
Now I know some of you bleeding hearts are crying in your milk because you think parents who do raise their children to be self-supportive and responsible are practically committing abuse, when in actuality, you are the abusive ones. Not only is it abusive to your children, but it is also abusive to the rest of us who end up paying for your poor parenting in the end.
You made the decision to not teach the proper values to your children and now you want to cry about it. Sorry, no sympathy here. You should have done your job in the first place. You did no one any favors, especially the taxpayers who end up paying for your mistakes.
For those of us parents who do believe in “being” there for our adult children, but not letting them leech off of us for the rest of our lives, KUDOS.
Teaching your children to be responsible contributors to society does not mean you don’t love them. As a matter of fact, I believe it is probably one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

In reference to the post by Yadgyu, Harkeyville, TX : December 9, 2007 3:09 pm:

I resent your implication that Biology is a worthless degree. Those of use who major in Biology do so with the intention of pursuing graduate degrees. As a result, we live with less than $30000-a-year “salary” while we attempt to complete these degrees. The interns and residents that see you when you go to the hospital earn about $40000 a year, but given the number of hours they work, this ends up being about $8.50 an hour, at 90 hours a week (which is more than two full-time jobs). Much of this money goes to paying our debt for financing our medical degrees (this is true regardless of whether you attend a public or private medical school). But we do it anyways because we want to help people, even people like you who think that our degrees are worthless. It’s too bad that you think the ideals that we have dedicated our lives to is “worthless” because we cannot get a job paying more than $40000 per year right after completing our bachelor’s degrees.

If we chose other fields besides biology, you would not have doctors, or scientists who develop vaccines and discover new treatments. Innovation in the medical and public health fields would cease to occur if everyone took your advice to avoid getting a “worthless” degree.

You said, “If you go to a private school to get a degree that you could have gotten at a public university, you are an idiot.”

I would beg to differ. Going to college is not just about the degree - it is about the people you meet, how their interest in the world around them helps drive your own passion for the field you have chosen. It is about what you can learn from your peers who are smarter than you. It is about getting a social education, being exposed to international and multicultural ideas while finding a common ground - your pursuit of knowledge in an attempt to better the world around you. Going to a private university was worth every penny of that - my world changed in a way that going to my local public university would never have allowed.

Regardless of what your priorities and goals are, your judgements and generalizations about others based on what degree they get, or what they are passionate about in life, only goes to show how narrow your world truly is, even if you believe yourself to be cultured and knowledgeable.

I have three adult children who all currently live at home. My two daughters moved out at 18 and then moved back home to go back to school. The twins are now 21. I think that is great as it is extremely difficult for them to obtain financing for school. My son who is 23 lives at home and works full time. He pays rent, not much and covers his own expenses. I personally think he needs to go back to school so that he has the earning power to move out on his own and hopefully someday support a family. I was never given a chance and had no good advisors when I was young. I was on my own at 18 and went to college as an adult student with 3 children. It took me five years to obtain a two year degree and began my “career”. I regret that I was not able to have the luxury of finding myself and getting myself to college for a 4 year degree. I also resent the fact that I was forced out of my house as soon as I graduated high school and did not have my parents’ support so that I could make decisions based on my future, rather than finding a full time job to pay rent and utilities when I was so young. I realize Nora is 28 and she does need to have responsibilities. She should at least be supporting her expenses and it should not cost her parents anything even if Nora continues to live at home with them.

I shouldn’t be talking but if your parents have the will and money on hand, they should help you out. Some people get really bitter when this issue is brought up, but they are the ones who need to grow up and put it behind you. Some people have it better, some have it worse, it’s part of life, deal with it.

Parents agreed to have a child and that says they have a moral obligation to their child. Now if they are 45 with a full time job making more than the parents and asking for money, YES that is VERY rude, but if still in school and asking for money, well I see no wrong in that.

Unless you work a full-time job with no intention of graduating in 4 years, it is hard to make $1200 (only rent, food, and gas) while taking 17 credit hours and keeping your GPA above a 3.5.

The time to stop helping adult children is when they are old enough to get a full time job, unless the child is under 22 and in school full time. NO WAY should a 28 year old be dependent on mom and dad unless there is a serious illness. I was on my own at 20 and learned the most valuable lessons of life early on - my parents retired when I was 25. NO WAY would I have ever been able to ask for their help with out significant embarrassment. These parents are enabling Nora to be a child forever-this is not parental love of a child, it is parental self-need. Mom needs to think of what is best for Nora and stop thinking of herself.

There are some huge advantages to knowing that your parents can’t afford to help you. My Dad was a school teacher with no estate. My Father-in-Law was a Holocaust survivor. Obviously there was no way for either side to help us.

It is “liberating” to know that you have to make it on your own. It helps teach you how to make wise decisions.

Naturally it would be more “comfortable” having the knowledge that you have somebody besides yourself to fall back on…but knowing you don’t also teaches you how to accept the world as it is…not like how you fantasize it should be.

Giving money to your kids is no favor to them.

I obtained a health profession, rental properties and retired at under 60. Would I have been able to do that if “given” everything? …possibly…but probably not.

sanjosemike

No, John D. Asher of Syracuse NY. I am glad my parents did not allow me to be a worthless bum as an adult.

My son was living at home with my husband and myself after his divorce.
He had his four children with him.
I had to make the tough decision to sell our home before we lost everything and let him go on his own.
I waited until my grandchildren were all in school. I was so worried about what would happen to them. My son rented a house for himself and his children, met a nice girl, remarried and moved out of state where they bought their own home.
He is now 32 years old and happy with his new life.
If I had continued to let him stay with us, I would have been holding him back from the way his life was meant to go.

I’m a very successful patent attorney and you want to know something? If my teenage son never wants to work in his lifetime, he probably won’t have to. Now be honest, isn’t that a gift you wish your parents could have given you?

A parents job is to prepare their children for adulthood. Anyone who would let their kid live at home at more than 20 years old if they are not full time in school or doing something serious to better their future is not preparing their kids for adulthood - they are crippling them from ever being able to do it on their own. Harsh fact for a harsh world.

When I was leaving home for college 25 years ago, my Mother said “if it doesn’t work out you can always come home”. My father looked me dead in the eye and said “no you can’t”. I didn’t get it at the time. Now I totally get it. Knowing failure was not an option and I was on my own helped me to succeed. As my twin eighteen year olds get ready to graduate and ‘leave the nest’ I have no doubt that those same values will help to insure their success.

Nora is a bum. Help her by throwing her out. She’ll be dependent forever until you do. Doesn’t mean you love her less. In fact it will be the best thing you ever did for her. Self sufficiency is the greatest gift you could ever give her - and yourself.

I completely agree that cutting off an adult child would be the best thing to do. I left the house right after high school and worked full time while going to college. There is a total lack of responsibility with many people of my generation. Continuing to fuel selfish and irresponsible behavior isn’t a favor to anyone, especially the adult child.

You can’t generalize here. Every person is different and every family has unique circumstances. If it’s NOT a problem for both the parents and the adult child, then it’s their business…period. If it’s a problem for one or the other, then decisions need to be made. The world is a harsh place. If you are able to be independent, you should be. Mooching only creates dependencies. One day Mom and Dad will die and the moocher will be a lost little kitten unable to fend for themselves.

I am 24 years old and I am offended by 20-somethings who still leech off their parents and the parents who enable them. In my 24 years, I’ve become completely independent from my parents while maintaining a close and loving relationship with them. I live 200 miles away from them, am married to a man who I supported for over year while he was going through cancer treatments. I fear that people in my generation will not know how to take care of themselves and this world that we are inheriting because there is no sense of responsibility. Sometimes, you just need to suck it up and go out on your own. The best gift my partents ever gave me was the ability to take care of myself.

I disagree with Emily Baltimore, MD : September 24, 2007 6:22 pm.

I’m 25, and I bought a house in New Jersey when I was 21. A $300,000 house that I had saved up the down payment for and had budgeted for. I knew that was what it was going to take to buy a starter home in NJ so I took my time. I didn’t ask for anything or take anything from my parents, and I moved out and started renting as soon as I got out of college.

Just because you are spending all your money at Starbucks and on designer goods, don’t blame student loans. I paid off all of mine on top of a mortgage payment. I also have no credit card debt at all. Money was tight, but I was very frugal and did not buy designer goods.

I also have an engineering degree so it’s not likely I made much more than you. Take a look at your budget. What “necessities” on there are not really necessities at all? Do you really need to buy or lease a new car every year? What about that morning coffee? Do you smoke?

SGretzy - Your situation is VERY different from Nora. Sounds like you’re working your tail off, but Nora has no drive (nor incentive when mommy and daddy are paying all the bills) to leave.

As for trouble finding a job. It sounds like you’re doing what you can, so this doesn’t really apply to you. But people of our generation (I’m only 32) need to understand something - a job is not a right. If you don’t go to school or you do go to school for underwater basket weaving or some other Mickey Mouse degree - you’re going to have trouble finding somebody who’ll pay you big money for what you can do.

That’s the other thing - people talk about how hard it is to find a job, but that depends on your expectations. If you’re coming out of school with no experience expecting to get an executive level position with a six-figure salary - I don’t care what your major was, you’re going to have trouble.

Usually, you’ve got to start in a crap position to get your foot in the door. If you’re really that good and talented, it will show, but you’ve got to be willing to work your tail off even at that crap job. Before you know it, you’ll get more responsibility, and the cash to match. So keep your eye out, and be willing to move when the opportunity presents itself.

There is not a shortage of good jobs - in fact, it’s much harder to find good people than good jobs (trust me, I know) - because people, especially young people (and I still consider myself young), think the world owes them something and are always wondering what’s in it for them. That’s not an attitude that people want in high end positions (or any positions for that matter). Good people are paid well - because they deserve it.

Yes, do all three of you a favor and kick her out. The longer you wait the harder it will be.

Young men in my generation were commanding troops half way around the world when they were 24. You need to let your 28 year old little girl grow up.

The most important gift a parent can give a daughter is independence. Independence comes in many forms, but financial independence is crucial. This independence is critical for her to make wise decisions about friends, loves, as well as finances. It does so by giving her confidence and self respect. Being 28 years old (barring extreme circumstances)and still dependent upon your parents does not reflect self respect or confidence. Do this young lady a favor, as well as yourself, and stop enabling her.

Ok, I feel like i have to stand up for the twenty-somethings who are having trouble getting started. I’m 28 years old (no, I’m not Nora), but I do live in an apartment attached to my parents’ house. Many people think that I’m sponging off my parents, but in reality, they’re sucking the life out of me and always have. When I graduated high school, in an effort to keep me from leaving home for college, my parents refused to completed their portion of the FAFSA so I wasn’t eligible for most financial aid. Despite that, I have a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree in Business Administration, which I got while working full-time and going to school full-time. And business is far from what I actually wanted to do with my life, but I could get the degree entirely at night so I could work during the day.

And despite the belief of all the “old farts” out there, it is NOT that easy to find a good job. And as soon as you find one, chances are you’ll get downsized before you really get anywhere. I personally got downsized a little over 3 months ago and have been having a horrible time finding another job despite spending at least 4+ hours daily searching (for anything).

As for my expenses, I keep my expenses minimal. I drive a used car purchased with cash. No cable TV for me! I haven’t purchased any new clothes in over a year. I clip coupons and buy things on sale. All groceries I buy are combined with my parents’ and we share the food. Plus, I purchase at least half of my parents toiletries because I can get them so much cheaper (bargain shopping and coupons). All of my expenses are financed from my unemployment (and my expenses are still less than half of my payment) and I have enough cash savings for more than 6 months after my unemployment runs out. Plus my retirement funds and my future childrens’ college funds are in tact and growing. Extravagant not a valid description of me.

In addition, I handle all my parents’ financial and estate planning (along with an attorney and financial planner). It’s to the point that my parents won’t even read their mail, they just hand it to me to handle. At this rate, I’m not going to be able to have kids because I’ve already got 2 very old babies!

So I suggest that before judging us twenty-somethings, everyone should consider that times are very different than 30 years ago and we’re stuck in the “economy of crap jobs” that your generation created. Also, let’s not forget that most of my generation walks out of college with 10s of thousands in student loan debt, scanty job prospects, inflated home prices, and a hoard of “advisors” aka salesmen who are waiting to steal every dime we (and you) have!

The Daughter should have been on her own a longtime ago. Where is her personal self respect? She knows that she is taking advantage of you and your husband. It’s one thing to help someone because they are trying their best or because they have had a set back.
She is just enjoying the free ride.
What man is going to want a Woman who is 28 and living at home ? Yuck !!!
Show her the door !!!

I hear everyone talking about kids mooching, but what about parents? We are expecting our first child and live in a tiny two bedroom home. My mother in law, on the other hand, refuses to work in jobs that are “beneath her,” while expecting us to continue paying her mortgage and whatever other debt she continues to accumulate. My husband feels caught in the middle and I feel like I work full time so she doesn’t have to. Suggestions?

Ok. Nora is mild compared to what I’m observing with my new husband and his adult child from a previous marriage. He enables his 30 year old daughter to focus only having a good time and working for herself while she has 2 illegimate children and supporting a 45 year old man with his illegimate child and their 1 month old. It is so pathetic that my husband gave them a 5 bedroom home rent free and utilities free for life, just so he can get a glimpse of the 1st two illegimate grandchildren. Instead of teaching her about respecting her body, her children’s welfare and future, he just makes it comfortable for her to keep reproducing without having to deal with the consequences. Is there hope for this adult child?

Out of the house at 18 (no choice) & headed to the West Coast. 4 years of college, cheaper State School not UCLA. Part time jobs all through school (30hrs a week +) ALWAYS rented in LA with roommates, couldn’t afford a house. Who said you must own a house so soon! Out of college made great money and spent it like water for 5 years. Had a great time, no savings though. Turned 27 moved back to the mid-west(cheaper) with $3k only in my pocket started a small business bought a crappy $24k house (on a land contract) fixed up sold for $30k profit. Kept buying crappy houses and small duplexes, fix and live in or sell or rent(9 years later). Own 15 rentals today plus many commercial properties just bought a $950k house in LA, finally can afford to buy there. Live in $300k condo in midwest. Have a ton of money to do what I want. Bottom line, I did it on my own which includes making every stupid mistake you can make. It’s what makes you grow and learn. But for gods sake get out of mom and dads house the sooner the better. Live cheap don’t think you must own a house too soon. Start small with real estate investments that you can rent out for what they cost every month. Build equity. Buy toys later when you can buy them with cash not credit cards. I’m not bragging but trying to show if I can do it and I was a screw up then Nora or someone like her can. Happy New Year!!

Hi:
There’s an old saying that as a parent who has raised 3 wonderful children into 3 wonderful independent adults:
” I don’t intend to start something that I don’t intend to finish “. All of my children not only left the nest; they left the state and are living full successful , productive lives ;-).
When I hear from them (often) it’s mom we’re just calling to see how you are doing and that we love you , not how much money can we borrow. Through the years I’ve struggled do to some of my own mistakes and I’ve lived by my mothers words ” every tub haves to stand on its own bottom “. I’ve applied those words in my life which has made me a better responsible human being . By passing that that independent nature to my children they too are better responsible adults. Generally your children are a reflection of how and what you teach them . I work with people who should be getting ready to retire but because of of continuing to help children ) some of who are in their 40’s ) they haven’t been able to save diligently for their retirement and will continue to work . I will retire comfortably next year and am encouraging my children to save for their retirement now . It’s not too late to instill these values in your daughter. She’ll love you for it if not now , later. Otherwise you’ll be back out in the workforce continuing to support her.

Claire,

Please write to us at FlemingandSchwarz@Right-Thing.net and we will reply to you.

Jeanne & Leonard

My daughter is home living with me her mom and her step father. I thought it would be for 3 months but it is now 6. step father wants her out. But her ex left her with 35,000 worth of debt. She if filing for bankruptsy and lawyer says she will get it. She had a good job offer about 6 months ago which she just walked out of because it was computerized and she didn’t know it and felt like a fool. 60,000 per year. Next was a job she got fired from about 45,000 per year. Was hired by star bucks but now refuses to work for 7 and change plus tips. But is collecting Unemployment. I am retired who worked shift work all my life. I have a part time job making $10.00 an hour just to have fun money. But the daughter isn’t working and the step father wants her out and he isn’t working either. construction is definitely not a great career choice because it’s winter and he isn’t working. She has a condo in Nevada and wants to go back there, but she has only 600 saved. My husband wants me to take out 5000 from my pension to give her to go move, but it will cost me about 9,000 after paying taxes. He has no money saved at all. So she at least is painting the whole inside of the house and he sleeps till noon and does god knows what. My therapist tells me I should tell her to get out and of course my husband agrees with her. Now what would any other mother do in this situation? I mean it is the holidays and he will not even drive in the same car with her to visit relatives on christmas day. He will not eat at the same table as her and walks out of a room if she wals in. They had an argument about 3 weeks ago and some cursing went on and now I am in the middle taking xanex and zoloft and work every day and I am 62. Husband is 57 and daughter is 40. Help me please. Come up with an answer what to do. I hate to see anyhone unhappy at the holidays, but he is saying I have to have her leave or he will. Please someon in the same situation help me in a few days. Thanks so much for reading this.

Why do idiot college kids major in Communications or Biology or Art and wonder why they can’t find $75,000 a year jobs? I see many idiots with worthless degrees and no real economic sense. People need to stop getting degrees just to say that they have degrees. Major in something that is going to provide at minimum $40,000 a year.

If you go to a private school to get a degree that you could have gotten at a public university, you are an idiot.

If you do not know where you would be able to get a job after graduation, or how much a starting job in your field pays, you are an idiot.

If you try to buy a house as soon as you graduate from college, you are an idiot.

If you work at Starbucks or The Gap or any other retail store after you get a 4 year degree, you are an idiot.

If you follow your passion without regard to your finances, you are an idiot.

Stop being an idiot. Degrees do not pay bills. Money pays bills.

i am a 74 year old old fart, and i kicked out my lazy 27 year old son. i’m too old to deal with a lazy bum like him.

I think the best thing parents can do for a child is metaphorically throw them in the water and make them learn to swim. My parents get by and required me and my siblings to work since we were legally allowed, starting with a paper route at age 10. By paying my own way through college, with the aid of student loans, I was forced to take a major that would pay bills and do just that upon graduation. Giving your kids no options but to sink or swim teaches them invaluable lessons and develops them into strong people. People who can be proud of everything THEY make of THEMSELVES. Who is more successful, a kid whose parents carried them financially until they were making good money, or their peer who did it on their own, their own way?

Amazing! 28 years old and still (willfully) financially dependent on one’s parents!

Not stated is whether this “late bloomer,” is in college, ill, has children, is in fact living with the parents or elsewhere, and so on and on.

Further unstated is the relative wealth of parents vs. daughter here (and yes, that makes a difference - slight, but measurable).

What isn’t stated and should have been is whether or not Ms. Late Bloomer actually is making any attempt whatever at improving her existence - or is she simply a slug, sucking sustenance from those who work?

28 is awfully old, absent circumstances, for very much parental support to be flowing.

You as parents don’t owe much beyond love & support - and I don’t mean dollars, cleaning, looking after grandkids, or any such thing. I mean that loving support - that should have been forthcoming years ago - that might have made this worthless lump of a slug potentially productive.

Frankly, Mom, I have to wonder at your dependency issues - ???

I too have adult sons living with us at this time. One temporary and one who has always been there? When I met my now husband, we talked about how important family is to both of us.
Now that we are married, he wants me to throw them out because he doesn’t want them around anymore. He feels they’re old enough to take care of themselves. Now I would agree, except they both have jobs, they cause no problems. Yes, they’re slow on helping out around the house, but so is my husband, he helps out when he feels like it. So a child or a spouse should not pull you so many different directions. Figure out what you want.

Crystal,

I am a very sympathetic person, and a loving Dad. I have always and continue to support not only my own children, but step-children as well. Parents are equal human beings too and deserve to have their hard earned retirement without being burdened by the responsibility of supporting their children.

My parents put me out at 17. I joined the military and then worked my way through college - not one penny of support from Mom and Dad past 17. My parents did a great thing for me, they taught me that outside of your family this world will not give a damn about you, the only person that you can count on to take care of yourself is YOU! It wasn’t easy for me - it was very hard at times, but then again it wasn’t supposed to be easy. I suffered many financial hardships in my early adult years, but I learned many valuable lessons from those years as well - the kinds of lessons you are missing out on (and probably need to learn). Each and every human being who is physically and mentally capable of supporting themselves should do so. You are being selfish and unfair to your parents by expecting them to provide what you should be providing for yourself. They have done a great job bringing you this far - be fair to them and take care of yourself and your children from now on. Yes, it’s a tough world out there, but nobody handed this world to the previous generation on a silver platter - they had to work for what they have. Are you working for what you have?? If not, you are the burden and the problem, and the only honorable solution is in your hands - SUPPORT YOURSELF.

Look Nora might be a late bloomer but not every human is the same. I am 24 turning 25 soon. I live with my parents but I pay my own bills and rent. I have 2 small children its hard being out there on your own, expecially as a female. Don’t ever talk down nora until you have been in her shoes. To the DAD yes she is taking longer than you expected but she is your blood you raised her to be what she is today. So you think back when you were rasing her what you were teaching her to be. Set some standards. Give her a date that she has to out by like 6 months, anything less than that is more likely not to progress. Sit down with her a figure out how much can she set back for rent at your place. When she gives you the rent money for your place you open up a checking account. When the six months are up she will feel like she is on top of the world because she did something for her self and not with mommy or daddys money. Like she actually was helping herself and trust me that would make her feel wonderful about her self and also if the money that she did save was not enough there are state funds in every state to help out somebody that needs help finding a home and etc. Dad if you really want her to be out on her own and it has taken her longer than what you expected, give her a lending hand. Alot of these people that are responding to you like kick her out ,she nothing but a sponge those are the people that had it made in life. Where mommy and daddy payed for everything!!! I know back in your day everyting was easy but look at the world now house rent UP, job openings DOWN, gas UP, food UP!!! Your daughter needs to talk to people with the state fundings out there!!!!! Nora, don’t feel like your out there by yourslef cause your not. I am right where you are but i have 2 kids to raise.
So mom ease up and show her support and love but help her progress in to the real world. I am on my way , I know she can be on her way with a lending hand. WHAT EVER YOU DO DON’T GIVE UP ON YOUR OWN DAUGHTER NO MATTER HOW OLD SHE IS!! I know that one more thing you want to retire, who do you think is going to be taking care of you when you get old and can not do anything for yourselfs??? ding ding ding NORA!!! So please just make wise choices!!!!

Re: Nora

The question does not at all indicate that Nora lives at home, rather that she depends on her parents financially. There is so much unsaid here, that it can be truly difficult for any outsider to properly answer this question. My wife and I were both 29 when we wed. We both lived at home until that time. We both finished college and got good jobs. For both of us, we simply desired to live at home, and our parents did not mind. My parents told me years later, that had they found me to be wasting my salary, that they would have then charged me rent. As I was saving it, they were happy with the situation.

Is Nora working at all? Does she live at home or on her own? Is she living extravagantly?

I know people who have put off retirement for a handful of years, because family commitments did allow for early retirement. They are now retired, but due to changes in health, they are not enjoying it nearly as much as they had hoped. How would Nora feel, if her parents continued working for another 5 years in order to support her and then were unable to share retirement together and in good health.

It is easy to offer opinions on generalities. But lets not bash Nora, or her parents, as we truly have very little idea of what is going on. The columnists do the best they can to offer advice to the people who write in, regardless of what information they provide. That’s what they do. They make a suggestion that they were prompted to make. I’m shocked at the # of people who write in - many of whom are quick to directly criticize either party, without really knowing the situation.

Re: Nora the Late Bloomer

Who among us would NOT have been a late bloomer had our parents insulated us from having to fend for ourselves! If parents offer a safety net for their adult children, the children will take advantage of it. Take the net away and let them deal with the realities of life–it can be hard to have to fend for one’s self.

Stecve in Santa Cruz hit it right on the head.

How dare this 28 year old sponge off her parents, I was out of the house by 18, I probably could have styed if I needed to, but I never dreamed of taking advantage of my folks, they already met their obligation, now it was time to fulfill mine and try to be a productive contirbuting member of society.

What a waste this Nora is - Late Bloomer? Yeah to her Mom, who is an idiot. Dad is right, they have far more than they need to, kick her out and get her to grow up!

Anon,

I don’t disagree with your recent post. What I disagreed with was telling Sue in SD that she should take a job based solely on income. It presupposes that an increase in income alone will solve her problems. Obviously, it won’t.

You were absolutely correct in your first post that she made some bad decisions (particularly the house), and I agree that letting go of that would be beneficial. I’d agree with transferring if she indicated she had the grades to do so, but since she hasn’t I won’t make that presumption.

I don’t worry about my student loans. I concern myself with other commercial debt that I’m focused on. While perhaps I would sleep better knowing all of my debts would be paid off quickly, I feel great just knowing they’re paid, on time, every month.

My suggestion to Sue is to do something she enjoys, but to do it realistically. My first-year roommate is working for a massive firm in New York, which is exactly what she wanted to do, except it’s her third firm in under three years and she pays more for rent (by choice) than I bring home. Sue needs, with her husband, to figure out how she’s going to make ends meet, and to determine now, not later, how she’ll do it on a lower paying salary. A lot of her problems could be alleviated by planning for the process before graduating, but she does have to know what she can and can’t take. I worked as a contract attorney for a year before my current job, and though I made a heck of a lot more than I do now, I was so far beyond miserable (and gained all the weight I’d managed not to beforehand) that it simply wasn’t worth it. Sue and her husband have to make that decision as well.

Ronnie,

I respectfully disagree with your opinion. We come from similar backgrounds. Many of us have to make the choice to take a job that provides emotional satisfaction and (perhaps) pays the bills or to take a job that provides financial security. Sometimes you get lucky and have both. I rest easier at night knowing that I make enough money to completely pay off all of my debt (including my mortgage) in just a few years, and I’ve only been out of law school for a few years. Then, I will take whatever job I want doing whatever I want.

It sounds like Sue in SD is completely stressed out about her financial situation. Perhaps real financial security would be more important to her too than just being able to “pay her bills on time.”

Finally, it’s very sad to me that the decisions we make when we are young and have very little financial education, such as taking out a huge student loan htat costs more than many homes, stick w/ us for the rest of our lives. These single decisions can be the difference between being financially burdened your whole life and being financially free.

My advice to Sue would be to try to transfer to a state school for the cheaper tuition, to contemplate selling her home if the financial loss would only be a minor one (or rent it out if the rent would cover the mortgage), and to move to a place that is substantially cheaper than her current mortgage, even if that meant renting a basement or going into a shared living arangement (at least for a few years). If Sue does some serious sacrificing now, it will pay off in the long run. You can’t always have every thing you want exactly when you want it.

Don’t sweat it: after Nora’s mooching puts a damper on your retirement plans, you’ll get the last laugh: the current retirement-age generation is getting so much unfunded Medicare (Social Security is, by comparison, rock solid) that it’s a cinch that eventually Nora’s generation and younger will get stuck paying that bill. PRESTO! you’ve gotten your money back.

Sue in San Diego,

Only half-listen to Anon in Arlington. In fact, don’t listen to Anon regarding the type of law you want to do. Do the type you like. Work with your lenders. They will find a way to help accommodate your payments. Trust me; I know. I went to a top tier law school and graduated with $200k in debt; and I work for $65k a year. I pay my bills on time, every month. And I too live in Arlington, so the rent’s not exactly cheap here. I’m not married, so I don’t have that extra income.

Some advice: try to find a job outside of school work-study. They’re not bound by the same hours, and the pay may well be higher than at school. Get a second job if necessary, but do what you need to do NOW to make ends meet. You and your husband really need to sit down and discuss the realities of making it work, but believe me, it can work.

Finally, something Anon said that was right: don’t blame “America” on your decisions. You (and I too) decided where to go to school, and I refuse to believe you didn’t know what you were getting into when you started. You chose to go to school now instead of reapply to a state school later, and these are the results of those decisions. Determine now how to deal with them.

Oh, and by the way, PLEASE don’t assume that being a minority means a darned thing regarding financial aid. I’m black and went to a top 14 school, and didn’t receive a stitch of it. That said, I knew what I was doing when I went in, and I made the decisions I felt right for me. It’s not easy, but I don’t regret it for a minute, and I darn sure didn’t take the job offering the most money. For me, it would have been silly to spend so much money on school and then not do something I enjoy. That was my choice.

60 is the new 40.

Sue in San Deigo,

There are not 2 Americas. You are just making very, very bad financial decisions with your life. You can be smart enough to get into law school and still make bad financial decisions. Please do not blame your bad decision making on “America.”
I can tell you right now that w/ the kind of student loans you are piling up to get your law degree, you are not going to be able to work in public interest law. Period. When you get out of law school, you need to take the job that pays the most money so that you can pay off your huge amount of student debt–a debt that you will always be stuck w/ b/c you can’t get rid of it in bankruptcy. Even then it’s going to be very hard for you, and it will take a very long time for you to pay the loan off. Just sit down and do the math. Also, if you’re only making $15 an hour, how were you possibly able to get a $300K mortgage and why would it even make financial sense for you to do so? The bill on that has to be close to $2K a month.

I am close to Nora’s age and having been paying my own way for quite some time now. Many of my friends/family who are my age are in Nora’s boat b/c their parents let them be in it. Parents, you are doing your child(ren) no favors by taking care of them well into adulthood! The longer you pay your child(ren)’s bills, the more they will depend on it. The only way your child(ren) will learn to grow up and be financially self-sufficient is if you cut off the money. That is part of being a good parent.

Maybe the husband left because he didn’t want to live with his in-laws.

I think the parents and Nora should attend counseling and set some goals.

To add to the rest of the comments, life is not fair and it is what you make of it. When I graduated from HS I was in no position to go to college. I joined the military, did my time and got out and found an entry level job with an insurance company. To get ahead, I went to night school for 8.5 years and have earned an MBA. I now work in middle management. I am successful, not rich but comfortable. I was married at 20 (still am 26 years later) my wife put herself through college (her parents were farmers) and together we paid her student loans. We started with a small apartment then moved to a small two bedroom house and then to a larger 3 bedroom house. Our son is now in college pursuing a degree in Pharmacology, he doesn’t worry about student loans because we have saved for his college since he was born. (That is called pre-planning and prioritizing)
See most of the now generation doesn’t want to start at the bottom and work their way up, they have to drive a new $35K car and live in a 3000 sqft house, have all the right looks (living a Champaign life on a beer budget). No wonder they have no savings and are soaked in CC debt. How did I make it? I think when you realize that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself, you make better life choices. The better the choice, the better the life.

Good for Nora - she’s the smart one. She is letting her parents pay for everything and they are dumb enough to keep doing it. She probably buys marijuana and alcohol with the money too. Plenty of kids in her situation do it these days.

As long as Nora is allowed to slowly rob her parents of all they’ve worked for, it won’t stop. She has no sense of thankfulness or love for her parents. She’s selfish, and she’s spoiled, and that’s why she stinks.

Some of the comments here are disgusting. The very idea that parents must prove their love by going broke but the adult child must prove nothing at all is shameful.

You don’t do your children any favors by helping them to stay dependent babies. You show them true favors by making them grow up. Adult children are a sick and pathetic drain on not only their own parents but on all of society as well. Everybody owes them. They owe nobody. Some parents like it that way because it makes them feel “needed”. It’s a sick way of meeting their own needs instead of the needs of their adult-child.

Then there’s the parent that lets the adult-child play god and take total control of the situation w/o any authority to do so. That’s backwards. The roles get reversed. Those parents aren’t wise, but fools, because they’re harming their own grown children in the name of “love”. They just don’t “get” it.

Most children will grow up and be thankful to their parents and become responsible adults. But some like Nora do not, and couldn’t care less if they drive their parents into poverty. They’re never held accountable, just their parents are. These parents need good counsel on how to REALLY help and love their adult children, and that’s not by throwing money in their faces.

I lived in my mother’s basement until I was 30 and I wish I could move back in. I helped my mom with groceries and she made my lunch….it was a great setup

Nora has mental issues that need to be addressed and resolved. The Mother is the problem too, for allowing this to go on for so long, and yes I agree with what has been said earlier: What if something was to happen to the parents –would she be able to take care of herself?

Amazing. As a first generation American and the son of immigrants who didnt have the luxury of being taken-care of…the whole idea of a “late bloomer” is laughable. I cannot help but think this is cultural. Americans feel entitled to their lifestyles and rather than go earn it themselves, they want somebody, ANYBODY to pay for it. Barring illness or extreme situations, there is just NO excuse to rely on your parents at age 28. If anything…it is completely DISRESPECTFUL to expect them to care for you at that age. Knowing how my parents struggled to make a life for us in this country, the best way to show my appreciation and gratitude was to go do the same…earn a living, support myself, and honor my parents by proving they raised a functional, sef-sufficient adult. Save the excuses, people.

I don’t know the specifics of this situation, but it amazes me how many people automatically judge people who live with their parents. My parents have a 5 bedroom home with no children left in the “nest”. I don’t live at home, but have considered it since they have often asked me to. I’m a single mom, and they’d love to have my daughter and I join them.

I have my own home and I am paying my own bills. I would still continue to pay bills if I ever moved in with my parents. If the arrangement benefits everyone, why is it a problem? If a family functions in a healthy way (that means no mooching), then the living arrangements really shouldn’t be anyone else’s business. People are so quick to judge.

I find anyone who suggests being soft with Nora laughable. Assuming that there are no major reasons for her being at home, she should be on her own. And as a mother myself, I can read between the lines when Nora’s mother says she is a late bloomer…if there were other reasons for her being home, she would have stated them to rally support. My son, age 12, wanted an Xbox 360. I said I would match what he saved toward it. I figured if he really wanted it he would save, if not he wouldn’t. He saved and I even made him pay for two lost school books out of his allowance to see that in life there are set backs to goals at times. He was so proud of himself for what he accomplished. As for his allowance, it is linked to chores that are to be done around the house…He cleans as much as i do. Teaching a child responsibility for themselves is to give them self esteem and independence. Keeping them dependent on the parent is selfish of the parent who is often afraid of losing the child.

It seems to me that there are many scenarios that would make it ok for a 28 year old to live at home, but if parents are asking CNN money what to do they probably don’t fall into any of those scenarios. They most likely have a daughter who needs some motivation to become independent, and the loving thing to do would be to encourage her to leave home.

I became a mother when I was 18 years old in high school. My parents told me that in order for me to live under their roof, I would need to finish high school and get a part time job after school so I could pay them rent. When I turned 18 and graduated from high school, they gave me two options 1) to stay living with them, rent free and to attend school or 2) to get a job, find and apartment and move out. I chose scenario 1. I took classes and finished college in 2 years while raising a daughter on my own (with the help of them). They gave me 6 months after graduation to find a job and move out OR they would decide on a comparable rent based on other rentals in the city, and charge me stay home under their rules (curfews, buying groceries, babysitting my little sister). I choose to move out and found a job and an apartment in just a few months and now own a condo on my own. They gave me a time frame and taught me how to work, save, budget and be a great mother. I think that NORA needs to move out and learn to grow up OR her parents need to make her start pulling her own weight in the home financially. She will never move out if they do not.

Jim in Tucson, at some point, this “child” has to grow up. Telling the parents to have her move out and stop the financial support is not negative advice. It’s letting them know that it’s okay to do so and, in fact, past time for a capable adult to take care of herself.

Derrick in Las Vegas, telling an adult daughter that it’s time to grow up and support herself is what loving parents do. They can be and will be her parents even if they are not financially supporting her.

Jeff in Cleveland, it would be unfortunate if this adult woman had a baby and was still unable to financially support herself. However, having a bab with a deadbeat father is the daughter’s responsibility, not the parents’. Adoption would be a much better option in this case, but that would be the daughter’s decision to make. The parents should not have to forego retirement because their daughter made a bad, selfish decision - and it is selfish to have a child that you cannot support.

Sue in San Diego, I’m sorry about your financial troubles, but you chose to go to law school, you chose to finance said school with student loans, and you chose to buy a house that is now decreasing in value. How to make the financial nightmare stop - look at what decisions you are making and the ramifications down the road and stop making decisions that are costing you so much financially or accept responsibility for those decisions because you really want to be a lawyer or own a house or whatever.

Nick in Concord, NH, every generation thinks the one after it is a freeloading bunch of lazy bums (except maybe for their own children, depending on the circumstances). The members of my generation who will be able to retire will get there through a combination of circumstances - saving money, using their talent and skills to earn a living, a good return on their investments and, frankly, luck that they haven’t had some type of medical, financial, or other catastrophe.

Matt in Salt Lake City, honey, most of us HAVE been there. You might think yours is the only generation with financial issues; you are wrong. My first rent payment was $140/month. on a job that paid, before taxes, $500/month. I rode the bus, I walked wherever I could, I kept my utilities as low as I could, and I saved what I could (which wasn’t much). When you are young and starting out, you don’t buy “the average house” with all the niceties that your parents worked for; you buy a fixer upper or you buy a decent house and have roommates. You learn to make do and as you (hopefully) increase your salary, you are able to afford the things your parents worked for.

Tom in Long Island, you have a plan, unlike, apparently, Nora. However, I really hope you don’t think that when you are 28 almost HALF of your active life is over! Trust me, she, you and me, all still have a lot of living to do!

Whew! I know, that’s what you were thinking, too!

All of you think that you’re so smart that you criticize. Soooo self-righteous. You are all the losers for giving negative comments!!!!!!!! If you’re so bright, give better advice!!

I came to this country at 22 after having completed an engineering degree and started my Master’s right away. Two years later I had a very well paying job. I have been married two years now, have a one year old kid, am 28 with good savings and a 110K salary. Possible because I got the right education, I have been in this industry 4 years now, and you know what? I hardly see any American’s in these jobs. When I was doing my Master’s my classes would be filled with Indian and Chinese students, American’s hardly got a Master’s degree. That surprised me.

In my country we focus on studies all way around. My parents didn’t buy me a computer either — the only luxury I had was a bicycle. But looking back, I sincerely thank them for this. You guys have to start getting degrees that would get you well paying jobs. I am happy at my job, but real happiness comes from family and knowing that you are financially independent

The parents chose to have their daughter, not herself.

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS GIVE YOUR CHILD THE LOVE AND SUPPORT THEY NEED, NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF NORA IS 28 OR EVEN 50. SHE’S STILL YOUR DAUGHTER, AND NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, YOU SHOULD BE HER PARENT THROUGH THICK AND THIN. IT KILLS ME TO KNOW WHAT KINDA PARENTS YOU ARE. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF TO EVEN THINK LIKE THAT– EVEN THE DAD, HE’S THE WORST.

What does everyone think if Nora had a baby and a father who left? Does that change the scenario?

I am 19 years old and living on Long Island. The rent here is ridiculously high, which is probably why my parents haven’t kicked me out yet. Starting at 1000 a month for a studio apt. I do not attend college, but I work full time at a local restaurant. On top of that, I plan to become a skydiving instructor. While this was not exactly the College Bound path, this is a life. And I see myself out of here around the age of 21.

28 is TOO long. She is no longer a child. Almost HALF of her active life is over. If she does not work now, when will she? And when will you rest?

“Stop getting useless degrees that don’t pay anything and trying to live in expensive areas.” - Posted By Engineer, Middletown, Ct

You are a genius.

Why do idiot college kids major in Communications or Biology or Art and wonder why they can’t find $75,000 a year jobs? I see many idiots with worthless degrees and no real economic sense. People need to stop getting degrees just to say that they have degrees. Major in something that is going to provide at minimum $40,000 a year.

If you go to a private school to get a degree that you could have gotten at a public university, you are an idiot.

If you do not know where you would be able to get a job after graduation, or how much a starting job in your field pays, you are an idiot.

If you try to buy a house as soon as you graduate from college, you are an idiot.

If you work at Starbucks or The Gap or any other retail store after you get a 4 year degree, you are an idiot.

If you follow your passion without regard to your finances, you are an idiot.

Stop being an idiot. Degrees do not pay bills. Money pays bills.

Let me share my story with you and give you a glimpse into what you might face in the future.

My parents have supported my sister, age 37, her 3 kids, and husband for far too long - paying her mortgage, buying her a car, treating her family to Disney vacations, and giving her money everytime she asks. Husband won’t work. My sister only works part time. They have just recently finally decided to cut her off and it’s hard to watch her house foreclosed on, utilities cut off, and go through a divorce.

I only gave her food money ONCE, but after she showed up with a $200 tatoo a week later, that was the end of that.

What I’m saying is, if you don’t do it now and make her rely on herself, she’ll never learn. If she continues to live with you, she should pay a fair rent to you that will at least cover utilities and food and establish a timeline that will get her independent.

You don’t say if you have other kids, but you should consider their feelings too. I can say that I hate this sitation and am bitter towards my sister and parents for it. My parents have less money to enjoy themselves and, yes, it’s shallow, but I will probably receive a smaller inheritance than if this hadn’t happened. Fortunately, I’m not relying on their money to live.

There is a big difference between supporting a deadbeat-leach versus supporting an ambitious child who has clear plans for her/his future. Do NOT confuse the two!

If Nora’s got plans of attending graduate school or some field that’s promising, then it’s far better to let her attend WITHOUT the life-distractions. My honest opinion.

I fall in the early bloomer category, got a head start in career at a very young age but deep down I really just wanted to become a scientist if I had a choice.

However, my sister and all my cousins attended pretigious medical schools without having to waste valuable time shuffling between a full time job, because their parents paid for all their expenses. They had no worries, lots of free time to study and enjoy life, so they eventually graduate with Honors…

Now, get this, they ALL earn 4 (FOUR) times my salary (and my salary ain’t that small either). They live a FAR better life than I ever could, respected by their peers faculty, and have access to some of the best things money can buy.
How about that for “enabled” kids?

Kinda unfair but what can I do.

I too was accepted to a pretty good school but since they required me to be there full time at the lab, I couldn’t stay because I had a job to go to, bills to pay, and a family to support… and these pennyless inlaws of mine aren’t any helpful either.

I’m forced to pay my way through grad school and work around busy schedules. The thing about science-related field is that they do NOT offer any online or even afterwork. Only offered during work hours…

The fact remains: It takes much longer to get a doctorate when you have a day job. No question about that.

But I wonder how many of those exotic vacations my sister and cousins would have taken during the time I’ve been doing double shift since like 10 years ago? Too unfair…

Your daughter is a leech and a loser. If you don’t kick her out, she will stay indefinitely.

Let me put it this way: Nora is 28 and inhibiting her parents retirement. For comparison, I am three years YOUNGER than Nora and have $50k saved for my OWN retirement. I haven’t lived off my parents since my sophomore year of undergrad (despite their offers of financial support), and have since bought 2 homes, gotten married, paid off all my debt outside of my mortgage, and traveled extensively.

Unless there are truly extenuating circumstances (i.e. physical or mental disability or a catastrophic event that resulted in extreme financial turmoil for Nora), there is NO excuse for the situation.

I hear how it’s so expensive and college grads don’t earn enough. Use the overgrown calculator on your desk and do a little research. Stop getting useless degrees that don’t pay anything and trying to live in expensive areas.

In response to Nick, I say the baby boomers will be able to retire because they took other measures to set up their retirement instead of relying on one thing, like social security. The same is true for 26 year olds moving out and taking responsibility for their own lives and not depending on just one thing, their parents. People are too comfortable with “falling back” on someone else to help them out. At 26 years old there is no way I would live with my parents. I would rent an apartment or a house with three or four roommates if I had to. The fact that your parents do not charge you rent makes it way to easy for you not to leave and allows you to continue in that comfortable environment. If your living situation was unbearable, I guarantee that you would take appropriate measures to change your situation. We all do what we want to do.

28? Get her out of the house! There seem to be far too many excuses justifying her “mooching” off the parents. You have to fall before you can get up and stand up.

WOW! Sorry had to write in Capital letters and exclaim.

Persoanally, I was a mother of three by the time I was 23. I was divorced in my late 30s and a single mom. I had a hard time supporting myself, let alone adult children.

My kids were not given the luxuries of some.

I don’t have those luxuries either.

My children and I are all hardworking, independant and yes, struggling to make ends meet.

I think the comment I like the best here is the suggestion to form a contract with their adult daughter and have her stick to the terms. Make the retirement date and her date of independance the same. What a wonderful transition for the family.

For those with high rent, high payments, and luxuries. I do not envy you. I like a manageable life where my creativity is not hampered by what I owe, or what I need to make it on a basic level.

I live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in an economically depressed area, but I have nature all around me and can hike, fish, play and create in a nourishing environ. Quality not Quantity. Out the door with materialism.

I find it really hard to live in the US

When I am done with law school I will be $150K in debt. I want to do public interest law that makes maybe $50K to start. I tried to get into a state school but could not. I live in So Cal. I hope to move when I graduate but am saddled with a $300K mortgage on a house falling in value. I apply to scholarships left and right. I work two jobs ($15.hr– that is all law school students get) , so does my husband. I go to the school to ask for financial aid but I am not a student who would help the school increase its ranking– ie I am not a minority nor am I in the top 10% of the class– so that is not very effective. Please tell me how to make this financial nightmare stop. any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I do feel like there are two americas and unless you were wealthy at birth you are stuck struggling for the rest of your life.

First off to make these general assumptions about a situation and a generation without many crucial details makes this debate pointless at best. Why is Nora a “late bloomer”? Are there extenuating circumstances that caused this?? This is important in deciding how to handle a situation. I am 26 yrs old and still live my parents. I do not pay rent. On the surface it would seem as though I am lazy and freeloading. But to look deeper you would find I am paying off medical bills from a broken leg that kept me out of work for six months and I work full time at a bank while going to school three nights a week to continue towards my degree. I am on Dean’s List and I am the top salesperson in state at my bank.

Do I want to live with my parents??? NO!!! Can I afford to live on my own??? No… not when rent at the average one bedroom apartment, not including utilities, is $900. Not when my student loan payments are $150, my medical bills are $255 and my car payment and insurance are $240 and $120. Well I guess I could move out if I want to live in an apartment with no water, power, heat or food… But hey who needs those anyway. The only way I am able to move out is to live with my girlfriend. Now I can’t wait for that to happen but moving out to soon, before we are financial capable to do so, would be setting us up for failure, more financial issues and eventually moving back in with the parents.

Now Nora may very well be free loading, but we can’t know for sure without the details and generalizing an entire generation is irresponsible. It is flat out more expensive to live today than it was 20, 40 or 60 years ago. You didn’t need a college education to get a decent paying job, you cars didn’t cost half your annual salary and rent wasn’t three weeks pay.

I find it funny that the Baby Boomers call Generation X lazy… The same generation that had free love, drugs and Woodstock. This is the same thing that the Depression generation was saying to them 40 years ago. The Baby Boomers turned out to be successful and so will Generation X and Y after that… Assuming they aren’t living on the street just because their parents moved out when they were 18.

And on a side note, I wonder with the uncertainty of social security and pensions being nearly extinct how exactly the Boomers are all going to retired??? Being that none of their children will let them live with them because they over 18 and should be able to take care of themselves… Just wondering

Gen-Y isn’t as bad as some of you have made it out to be. Every generation seems to decry the succeeding generation (pun unintended). Look at all the comments on this site about people - Gen Yers - who couldn’t wait to be financially independent. Look around at all the Gen-Yers who possess ambition and ability. Not every single Gen Yer is like this, but from what I have seen, most of them are. At my school we study hard. If we party, then we do it on our own dime and do it so that we don’t affect our schoolwork. The moochers are usually regarded with skepticism just like many of you (rightly) are doing.

The critique that’s been levied is that we are too materialistic and not financially responsible. However, there have been polls showing that Generation Y has ambitious financial goals (including desired salaries, etc.), and responsible savings plans (70% of Gen Yers who are eligible contribute to their 401k plan). It seems to me that the materialistic critique is offset when you look at the ambition of the Gen Yers. If people work hard to get lucrative jobs that enable them to enjoy luxuries, then that defies the criticism that Gen Yers are don’t know the value of the dollar or the value of hard work.

I guess what mystifies me is some people seem to have equated Paris Hilton and Britney Spears with Generation Y. Time for a reality check.

We don’t really know very much about the situation. What’s sad is that it’s the parent asking for help dealing with what they’ve created. This is a parent problem, not a child problem.

I think the parent needs a clear step-by-step plan to execute for Nora to treat like a contract. But the parent must hold the line. (See Super Nanny for illustration

I second the military suggestion. Bring each of the recruiters by and let Nora pick her service The military is a great way to learn a lot about yourself and to get exposure to what you do and do not like to do.
(I had a great start with an ROTC scholarship.)

Wish I could do that for my 48 year old brother-in-law who lives at home…

To all those thinking it’s ok to live at home while you ‘get on your feet’ - who do you think is paying the for it? It’s not free to live rent-free at home. Nor are your belly-aches any different than when I was just starting out. It’s