Hi,
My mom has been taking money from my husband for the last 6 years at least. I have been separated from my husband for 3 years after a 9 year marriage, and she still is taking money from him, while keeping it a secret from me.

Every attempt I have made to get close to her and the family has been undermined, mainly by my mother, and I have been feeling very discturbed for the last 3years of my separation about why my own mother would do such things.

She has also slowly kept me away from family events and important moments saying that I will get angry about things if I knew. And its mainly about my mother’s accepting more and more favours from my husband.

I want file for a divorce but I am afraid of how my husband will react as he has been buying over my family. Please advise.

I completely agree with the authors. However, I would add that it’s also the husband’s responsibility to talk with his mother about her behavior. Honor is more than just not “accepting the mother’s money under false pretenses.” It’s about defending your wife’s honor and love even when it’s to another family member. Of course, this is also assuming the wife is doing her part to “accept” the mother-in-law (which it sounds like this is the case).

I understand we cannot control the will of others, so if the two really want to continue hating each other, then it won’t change. However, for the husband to allow either woman to make hated comments toward the other in his presence is equally unacceptable and disrespectful. There should be plenty of love for everyone!

Here is a clear question to all you women out there!
Dont you realize that if you really love you son/husband - u should be ready to build bridges with even the one you hate(mother-in-law or Daughter in law). Just think abt the hats we guys have to wear? Is it fair ? - i did rather stay alone than with two warlords- I hope guys out there agree. Both Mom and Wife are not negotiable !

I love my husband and for that reason do not engage my mother in law who is constantly starved for attention and control over him. She make sly comments and I ignore them for his sake. I think you should tell your wife about the cash , because there is going to definetly be strings attached most likely is she is similar.

“The money made from a lie is more important than the lie itself.” © Yadgyu

When you married your wife, you made a promise to put her first, “forsaking all others.” And yes, this includes your mother (who I assume attended the wedding and heard you say this yourself). So, sorry to everyone who says this ins’t an “either/or” situation. It definitely is.

It’s so easy to forget our vows in the hub-bub of everyday life, but at the end of the day, the person you hand-picked to be your spouse is the one you owe your loyalty to. In the words of one author, “parents don’t get brownie points for doing their jobs.” Meaning, we do not owe them loyalty above our spouses and are not obligated to take their side on issues.

If you and Claire are having marital problems, I would work them out - or, if not workable, end the marriage - before going forward with any agreement with your mother (or take her money. How shameful.) Until then, your wife has a right to your loyalty, per your own spoken promise at your wedding.

Keeping secrets from your spouse no matter what it is is unwise. If your mother wants to gift you with money there should be no strings attached. You should be free to do with it however you choose. A true gift has no conditions attached to it. It should only be an affirmation of the generosity of the giver and the worthiness of the receiver.

Take the money and secretly tell your wife. I have a manipulating mother in law, and my wife does not put up with it. At least if you secretly tell your wife, when you mother does tell her, your wife can act suprised and just say its cool!!!

Are dilemmas such as this ever clear cut? My first inclination is to say “Tell your mother NO,” but then I realize there are factors we don’t know about this situation. Is the wife a parasite who’s so dependent and needy and materialistic that the husband/son desperately needs a helping hand to get out of debt that has been incurred by the wife and her consumerism? If this is the case, the wife might be angry and annoyed at her mother-in-law’s gift…or then again, she might actually like it so much that she’ll continue to expect it. My point is that we don’t know the entire story.

What I do know is that this is a tough question. On my shelf is a photograph of one of my daughters and her husband as they are walking away from the camera, holding hands and walking towards their future. Whenever I’m tempted to interfere with their marriage by offering advice, money, or other unrequested (?) gifts, I take a look at that picture and back off. They’re a couple, a partnership.

Listen don’t take the money. My ex made a similar mistake and betrayed me (the wife). We are now divorced. Your wife will have more respect for you if you stand by her side.

Jason Webb of Raleigh, NC
Your post was inspiring. You give hope to women who want to raise such men even if it means our hearts get broken. I am the mother of a 1 yr old son and I hope he displays the integrity and grown-up ness you advocate. I loved your invocation of heroes, we all need them and we should aspire to be more like them.

These days, with two out of three marriages ending up in divorce, I can see the mother’s point of view. Divorce is a fact of life and I wouldn’t want my “hated” daughter-in-law to get half of my hard earned money in a divorce settlement.

I think the poster below has the best solution, it’s fair to EVERYONE, with the grandchildren getting the bounty no matter what the future holds.

{{It’s not an either-or decision. To balance the loyalties here, you should suggest instead that Mom sets up a trust for the grandkids education. If the marriage lasts, both you and Claire win, because you won’t have to worry about saving for college. If the marrige fails, at least the kids still benefit. Taking the money and not telling Claire hands Mom a weapon to use against your wife. Handeling it this way, you can be totally upfront with your wife but you are also signaling to your mother that you will treat your wife honorably and that you will not be manipulated.

Posted By Ivan, Cooperstown, PA : May 22, 2007 8:07 pm }}

I’m glad I’m not married to Kenji! I am truly appalled at the lack of integrity in this (and similiar) outlooks that have been expressed by many of the posters! Money, and how we treat it, is always indicative of broader attitudes about life and people. I think the ethicists are right on, this is a way for Mother to insinuate herself into her son’s relationship–it truly is a sneaky and manipulative ploy to have Son choose Mommy over the adult relationship he has taken vows to cherish. Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP regardless of whether you have a joint bank account or split common expenses down the center! Although many marriages have different “rules” that are tacitly and expressly agreed upon in a relationship, TRUTH & HONESTY are always included. For the Son to accept a large chunk of money on the condition would be a lie of ommission to his wife. I can only imagine the embarrassment and betrayal Claire would feel if Mommy-In-Law “accidentally” let it slip that Son and her had been keeping this deal a secret. The only way for Son to keep his integrity intact is to take off his diaper and tell Mommy the following:

He has chosen his Wife as his partner in life and that while he respects his Mother he can’t accept the gift under those conditions. Honesty and full-disclosure are paramount to his relationship with his Wife. If his Mother does not trust his judgement as an adult then it is her perogative to withhold the gift. If she feels that she has raised a son with a good head on his shoulders then he would love to accept the gift as it would be very helpful in achieving/financing X, Y and Z.

End of story.

In this day and age with most people working, many married couples keep finances separate, and share expenses. This is a gift from a mother to her son, it is not tainted from illegal means.
Since the only provision was to not tell Claire, why not use the military’s don’t ask policy. I see no reason that this money falling from the sky could not be spent on things for Claire, as well. You imply that accepting could be used to drive a wedge between them by the mother. Why assume this? In-laws often don’t get along, but marriage can only be helped in more circumstances than not, by found money. Your answer reflects your idealized opinion of marriage for the middle class, something many people don’t have or share.

Why not just wait until the old lady croaks?

Am I the only one wondering how you would keep the secret if the amount is large enough to trigger tax implications? Presuming you file a joint return that your wife is required to sign you might get caught sooner than you expected.

Been there, had it done, got divorced ! Don’t do it.

How much are we talking about here? What is the quality of your marriage to Claire? Is she worth keeping? Are BOTH of you committed to each other?
That says it all. Take the money and hide it if you think a divorce is likely. Tell your mom to keep quiet.
I find it humorous, all of these people, mostly women by the way, telling you to TRUST YOUR WIFE. Is she trustworthy? Good Luck
Roger

Inform mom that you will accept the gift only if you can tell your wife. What mother=in-law would be that hateful anyway? You are the recipient, not the wife, divorce or no divorce. Then tell your mom to get over it and that you love her anyway.

Marriage is about two people choosing each other. Yes, your family is important, but if your marriage is going to work well (not simply exist) you must choose the other person every day.

Your mother is trying to manipulate you into choosing her over your wife, and I bet she’s done this successfully before. But manipulation will only work if you go along with it, so don’t take the bait. Tell her no, and tell her why. Call manipulation what it is. If you want her to stop manipulating you altogether, then you need to call her out consistently.

Oh, and for those who believe you owe your parents: your parents elected to have you; you did not impose yourself on them. You owe them gratitude, honor and respect — but not your whole life and certainly not the cost of your diapers, etc.

Go straight to your wife and tell her what your mother is up to. Then the two of you can decide if you want to accept the money (without letting your mother know you informed your wife). As an alternative your wife and you could jointly decide to reject the money and both tell your mother you don’t keep secrets.

If you simply decline the money and don’t tell your wife, you’re still keeping secrets. Sorry, but you’re being forced to take a side. PICK ONE! And for you mamma’s boys who pick your mother, “For heavens sake, cut the cord already!” Your mom is devious and underhanded. Never keep secrets from your spouse.

I’d love to know the marital status of those of you who are suggesting lying to a spouse is okay. My mother gave me great advice many times. Possibly the best thing she ever said was, “If your marraige doesn’t come first, it comes last.”

For all those defending the institution of marriage just put together a list of all you owe your mother - from time lost due to pregnancy, cost of diapers, babysitting to college costs. Once you have added that up and paid that much money ack to your parents then you can choose your wife over your mother. Your mother doesnt need to BUY you she already owns you and you can never pay her back. All you can do to pay your parents back is make sure their genes get passed on by raising healthy, well behaved and well educated children of your own. Towards that end you can use the money. If your wife has any problems with your relationship with your mother you really need to think about divorce.

What if the man had two siblings and they each got large amounts of money, but only he was asked not to share with spouse? I believe the answer would be very clear then…no don’t give in to a controliing parent!

That’s the situation we found ourselves in. From the day we were married, my father in law never considered me as part of the family despite a good relationship with him. After 20 years of happy marriage, my wife’s father threatened to take back her trust fund(he had power of attorney) unless we agreed to remove the fund from our will..ie if my wife died I would not get the funds. By giving back the funds all we would do is deny our two children a more secure future and give additional funds to the other grandchildren.Further, by giving back the money it would trigger considerable tax implications neither side would want.

We kept the fund but cancelled the power of attorney and to this day continue to build the trust fund in accordance with her father’s original intentions, just without his involvement. Further, we have not taken out any of the funds and they remain solely in my wife’s name)

strange, this just happened to a couple i know, a year and a half. they had been married for 21 years. they have three beautiful children 18, 15,&12. they had overspent on an acreage and taken out a double mortgage on their property. she worked nights as a nurse, and he worked in some kind of insurance. she was the major money maker.

it became increasingly obvious that they couldn’t afford this gorgeous place they had purchased. in addition, the husband started working nights in a bar in addition to his day job. the marriage was faltering.

credit card bills were mounting, other loans and such were harassing them night and day. they realized they were going to have to move and sell the property and start over.

the wife’s parents both died unexpectedly, and she decided that she was not going to put the money towards the bills. she was able to squirrel it away without any problems from the creditors (don’t ask me how).

when husband found out that she had already received the money that he already had spent, he left her and took the kids.

he is so angry at her, that he is claiming that she has ocd, and is manic-depressive and has won temporary custody. they have not gone to court yet.

i am not sure i know what to think of any of this. she is devastated that she has lost her children, but her children (the two oldest, mainly) are on their dad’s side because she put the money over their marriage.

she comes over often to ask me what to do, and i have no idea. i try to tell her what i think would be best from the children’s angle, but it doesn’t help. she is so mad.

what do you think?

simplysmashink

Tell mom thanks but no thanks. Tell her that you love her, everything good she’s ever done for you as her child your pound she’s your mom. But now that you’re a man you will be the man she raised you to be, independent, strong, learned, decisive, a leader, not a man to be easily manipulated by anything anyone, that I as a prepared man can aspire or achieve. “Momma I’m a man now. I deserve a good woman, the one I got has given me her good only, and I should be her equal are greater.” Besides. Mom’ loves you, and wants to keep her baby to herself. Do mom and yourself some GOOD be the man she raised you to be, and you’ll earn the reward, while you get your own. Be a dog puppy…

Oh please. Stop being weenies. Take the money and put it in a trust. Don’t say anything to the wife, because the slightest conflict, Claire is going to throw it in Mom’s face she knew about the money all along. And if Mom happens to spill the beans to Claire, you can save the day by announcung the trust. Either way in the long run the wife benefits from the money anyway.

Your parents didn’t raise you just to hand you off to your spouse to control. Why are people saying “wife always over mother”? Who wants to become a mother knowing your kids aren’t going to stick around? If your wife told you to not give money to your mother, would you listen just because it’s your wife??

The wife hates the mother, the mother hates the wife - it’s a story that has been repeated over and over again for centuries. There’s no black and white answer so I don’t see how people can automatically say “wife over mother forever”!

I’ve been married to my wife & best friend for over 44 years, her parents hated me when we were married, they never offered to help us in any way, they would jump at the chance to help her sister or brother, but never us, but they always rubbed in the help they gave them and not us, when our children grew to adults, they could not understand why our kids never came to see them like the other grand-children, it was when we were celebrating our 25th anniversary in Hawaii that we found out why we were never treated the same, her parents were jealous of our relationship, her mother said they never helped us as they knew were never really needy as they knew we would always have each other, they could not be so sure about the other two.

Ok, so here’s my story: Very wealth parents. Got married 25 years ago to a woman with a 5 year old daughter. I adopted her. Parents say: Not our grandchild, not part of our family. 19 years ago, have a baby, only grandchild of parents. Offered “education fund” for this child only. Parents controlled. Mom and dad both died within a year of each other. I never took the “education trust” as I thought it unfair to my daughter. So…parents gave 99% of their estate to my brother (single and childless) and my sister (married, earns $250,000, no kids). Answer, take the money with a clear conscience and spend it on your family as needed. If I had taken the education money, I could have repaid my daughter’s loans.

mom I hope your son tells you where to put your money!!!

I totally agree , Never LIE to you wife . Your mother isn’t helping anything if anyone’s wrong its your mother .

I would add one more comment. Tell the Mother upfront that you will not accept the money under her conditions and that if she plans to give you money there should be no strings attached. It is not enough to refuse the money you must let her know why.

Hello!!! Who are you people who said take the money…….and where for heaven sake do you live?. Tell Mom no, that you don’t keep secrets from your wife. Offer other solutions such as she puts the money in an account for the kids or something like that. But never ever ever let anyone back you into a corner that will betray your partners trust, regardless of the current standing of the marriage. If the marriage fails you can honestly look at yourself in the mirror and know that devastating that line of trust and loyalty was not your doing.

Ask Claire for her opinion on the matter.
Time to win your wife’s confidence.

I have a different take on this. My parents have money and my husband has begged me on occasion to borrow so he could start a new business. I did this one time, and he never attempted to pay them back, never started the business, just spent the cash. He has spent every penny I came into the marriage with and has never held a job. Now when my parents give me money (usually as the result of a sale of joint real estate) I don’t tell my husband every time, OR, I tell him, but I put it in a separate bank account that he doesn’t have access to. Now his children are coming to me with sob stories looking for huge loans ($40,000, for instance). They drive expensive cars and have huge mortgages, which we don’t, but they seem to think we should pick up the tab for them. I love my husband, but he has no money sense. It took me a long time to learn that he would blow any money I gave him, but I’ve learned now.

My mother in law gave my husband $10K for our “children’s college”, after five months she asked for it back, because she wanted it in a more controlling environment. Even though he had already used it for a tutition payment, we took a loan and gave the money back to her. He sent her a loud message that we will not be controlled by money, and she sat alone this past mother’s day.

Loyalty to wife. The rest falls in place.

Um… we wouldn’t even be having this conversation if we recognized the obvious point: grown-ups don’t need mommy’s money. Forget the “who do I choose?” wimp-fest: be a man and earn enough that you don’t need mommy’s dough.

It’s not an either-or decision. To balance the loyalties here, you should suggest instead that Mom sets up a trust for the grandkids education. If the marriage lasts, both you and Claire win, because you won’t have to worry about saving for college. If the marrige fails, at least the kids still benefit. Taking the money and not telling Claire hands Mom a weapon to use against your wife. Handeling it this way, you can be totally upfront with your wife but you are also signaling to your mother that you will treat your wife honorably and that you will not be manipulated.

Loyalty to my wife and my children comes first..
If you need the dough,remember the
dough won’t keep you warm,healthy and
loving..
The Teach

The fact that there is even a question, in my opinion, indicates this marriage is doomed. There should be no decision to make.

My husband and I met when we were in college. His parents did not like me since my family is from Italy and not wealthy; his wealthy family did not like that and even told me to my face that they did not expect their son to end up with an immigrant’s daughter. My husband’s (boyfriend at the time)parents threatened to yank his tuition if he did not break up with me. As we were in our third year of college and our tuition was over $40K/year, this would have been at least an $80K proposition. My husband went into the Financial Aid office with me to investigate our options (he didn’t have many options other than private loans since on paper the government saw his parents had a very high income). My husband was about to get loans up to his eyeballs when his tuition was magically paid.

He called their bluff. They realized that if they were going to make him choose, he was choosing me. After a year of pain and arguments and my husband not talking to his family until they treated me with respect, his family came around and we actually all get along great now. They even like my family.

Bottom line: Your mother is testing you. If you fail the test and take the money, you will continue to be coerced by your mom and lose your wife.

Take the money and purchase a gift for Claire that you both can enjoy ie: trip, car etc.

This is so very simple. Take the money that your mom is offering and spend some of it to buy a very nice gift for your wife.
If you’re wife finds out where you got the money from and your mom finds out how you spent the money, explain to them that you love both of them very much and wanted please both.
If they both get upset over your actions, knock some sense in to them. Tell your mom that she should be supportive of your relationship. Tell your wife that she should be supportive of your only mother.
If neither wants to compromise…neither one of them really cares about you and you should leave both of them instead of being miserable trying to please both.

Obviously, you’re having a hard time with this for a reason. Admit what you know to be true, take the money, & pay for the divorce with it.

There’s no point in staying married to someone you don’t truly love & respect.

I’m gonna miss the wife when she leaves.

This is easy. what do you value more? Money or having sex with your wife? If you take the money, kiss your needs goodbye.

Wow. The responses to this dilemma demonstrate the whole gamut of character - all the way from devaluing wives and the sanctity of marriage (by making a calculated decision based on the wife’s looks, how much the $ is, the ability to buy a younger wife, etc.) all the way to the other end of spectrum (highly valuing one’s bond to the wife, your integrity, and their future happiness and life together).

I only wish I could find a love like the man that turned the money down and has been happily married for 29 years, stating that money “could not buy love, but could have cost them theirs”. Wow! I want a man like that!

Anyway, 2 points here -

(1) Marriage is like this. When you marry somone, you are saying - all that I am and all that I have is yours. That is just the way marriage is. He cannot accept this money, in any form, and honor those vows. The setting up a ‘trust’ idea is just a bogus way of getting around this. It is just a fancy way of taking the money and trying to keep it out of the wife’s hands. That is not honorable in marriage. Any shade of dishonesty in this transaction will surely come home to haunt you. Somehow, some way. Do not have anything to do with this money. Either beguiling your wife by use of a ‘trust’ orby beguiling your mother by taking it and telling the wife.
Do not have dirty hands in either direction. Say no to the mother.

(2) RE: the mother. Despite her motives, she has a right to provide a gift to her son. And she has a right to, in our high divorce rate world, to want to protect her bequest/gift from becoming fall out in a divorce.
It is her money. Therefore, she needs to keep it out of the marriage pot altogether - leave it to the son in her will. He gets it only after she is dead and gone. By then the wife may or may not be there. But the mother’s gift has not contributed to the demise of the marriage - and more importantly to mother - the money goes only to the son, as inheritance property is never marital
property. If the wife stays for a lifetime, she can enjoy whatever comes her way in the marriage pot through inheritance, etc. If not, the mother’s money does not end up being split up in the divorce.

Most of all, this whole issue goes away. The money/devisive divorce tool is taken off of the table. No more deception, lies, cover up, maneuvering, taking money and lying about it, as between EITHER party.

Keep what is yours, yours, build a life with your wife with your and her labors. Let your mother dispose of what is hers when she is gone, how she wants to. If mother has a problem with this, that speaks of her intentions, but does not change what you shold do.

Finally, I would never mention it to the wife, as it would only add fuel to the fire between the two. There is no reason she needs to know. You handled it, you did nothing wrong, and you did not allow anyone to hurt her or the marriage. If she ever finds out, she will be proud of you and love you even more.

Keep your life peaceful, quiet and calm. You cannot have your hands in this transaction at all.

Trying to figure a way to take this money is going to hurt someone - most likely, in the end you!

I’ve read all the comments. No one has considered this is a test by the mom to see if her son has integrity. Hmmmm

Maybe mom wants to know if her son really cares about his wife. Maybe the Mom got a bum rap from her husband and wants to see what her son will do. Hmm

Personally, “No, Mom. Thanks, but no.”

I see a lot of answers that say things relating to how much money it is. The amount is a red herring and is not the issue.

I also see people talking about the parents knowing best. After all, parents are perfect and all knowing. I can’t go with that.

When people say take it and tell or not tell the wife–either way, it is still dishonest.

Even the ones about having the right to give someone something. With conditions? Come on.

If you are truly married, there is no question about what you do. Thanks but no thanks.

Suggest to your mom what to do with the money only if she asks and then the answers would be unlimited.

Do the right thing–don’t try to lamely justify doing something else.

Under no circumstances should the offer as currently structured be accepted.

Scenario One
A caring and thoughtful mother could feel such desperation over the perceived shortcomings of her daughter-in-law that she might present such a “gift.” However, one would hope that a conversation between the mother and son would help her to better express her concerns and what she wants for her son’s future.

A caring person would quickly realize how destructive and pointless such a conditional gift is. Even if the true concern is the longevity of the marriage, the mother could offer the money after the divorce, were it to occur, whether via a hand-written check, wire, or estate.

Scenario Two
If the mother is mean-spirited and manipulative, then acceptance of the gift is more a condemnation of the son than the mother. It is he who will have looked beyond his mother’s weaker qualities for personal gain.

The spouse’s past behavior is irrelevant in these hypotheticals. Whether the mother’s concerns are justified or not, such an offer will do little to improve family dynamics.

Tell your wife about the deal , both of you take the money. Keep it a secret and put it in a joint account with wife.

As a robot:
1> How much money your mother wants to give you ? (right now and tomorrow)
2> How close you are to your wife ?
3> How close you are to your mother ?
4> Why she is so motivated to offer such a deal ? (It may be your wife is an awful person, or maybe it’s your mother…. )
5> Is your action in this deal alter her future offers like this ?

Unless you are incapable of earning that money on your own, you shuold not accept the funds from your mom. Try and patch up the two. It may be worth it after all. If cold war rivals Russia and USA could talk of being friends, why cant your wife and mom? Stranger things have happened in life after all!!

You are absolutely right about not giving mom that kind of a weapon against the wife. That kind of woman will use the weapon eventually and there sonny boy will be–caught in his deception to his wife. That will make a divorce all the more likely. Mom will win on all fronts and sonny boy will gain nothing in the long run. It would have to be a lot of money to cover the cost of the divorce.

I would agree somewhat with angela v. because if she is a mean woman, she doesn’t have the right to turn you agianst your wife. I myself would take the money and then tell my wife. Why you ask? Because if she is really the mean woman that she sounds/appears, then you should do it. But only after signing a prenup.

I am in the pretty much same situation. The only difference is that instead of receiving an offer of money from the mom, I need to give my mom the money to support her just because it is a tradition thing plus she lives in different country and my wife is not too happy about it.

My wife doesnt disagree to give mom certain amount of money, but disagrees to the level of constant giving away like monthly allowance, or once every period of time in a big amount (per say $500 or above).

As a guy, with sane normal brain, I would like to please both of them, to make them happy with no hurt consequences apply to any of them though they are not happy each other (like cat and dog). What can u do? Tell them constantly words of understanding…. make them aware of kindness and generous heart, a logical sentence that make sense for them. I gotta do this everyday like preaching. Work or worse? Never works out… what do I do then? Do what your brain and heart tells u to do! Money can always be found, but your mom and wife will never be replaced.

What are you, 11 year old not to be able to make a decision yourself so you have to email the editor? Meaning, you have some doubt that it may be better to take the money?

This sounds just like my mother-in-law and the feelings are mutual. I wouldn’t want a dime of her money, but I wouldn’t care if my husband took money from her. So, if you were my husband, honey, you can take the money and never tell me anything about it. I just don’t care about the woman enough to let anything she does or says anger me.

Take Mom’s money, don’t tell the wife.

So what’s the worse that can happen?
If Wifey leaves you, she cared more about the $$$$ anyway.

I agree with: Linda, Fairbanks, AK
There is only one mother. There no one who could be more loyal to you than your parents. Ask anyone who had gone through a divorce. This may be a cultural thing, but I would trust my mother or my father over any girlfriend, wife etc. This does not mean that I do not trust my wife! Sure you can take the money. For example, there is nothing wrong about opening a savings or brokerage account with you and your mother. You may choose to tell that to your wife or not to. Everyone is entitled to their own privacy or confidentiality. What’s wrong with having secrets??? You are not lying to anyone. This is your mother’s money after all. Guess what, if my wife had money stashed away somewhere – it would ok with me for as long as this has no affect on our financial situation.

Open a joint account with your mother…tell her that you want her to have access to the money in case she ever needs it. List your social first on the account, declare the interest each year on your return and spend the after-tax difference on your spouse. Everybody happy?

This is hillarious. I’m not married, but the gf would be upset if I didn’t take the money. She told me to sleep w/ anybody i can if they pay a million bucks… so i can only assume.

Your wife has to come before your mother. Tell Claire about the offer your Mom made and decide together what to do about it.

Work with your wife to beat your mum at her game … share your’mum’s proposal with your wife and then, hopefully, jointly agree that you take the money … use some of the money to buy your wife a great gift. You can send me some too while you are it.

Since the love of money is so evil, I would take the money and burn it all at tha crap tables and strip clubs in the city of sin.No one would find out, because remember that “what happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas. This way you honor your moms request, don’t disrespect your wife, and have a hell of time in the process.

If your mother dislikes your wife, there is a good chance your wife is not a good person. So by all means, don’t tell her about the money. Loyalty to your mother!

Easy. Have your cake and eat it too. Write your Mom an email, visibly copying your wife’s email, thanking her for her gift to you and your wife, and you talked to Claire and she’s very happy about this gift from Mom.

What’s Mom gonna do, back out of it?

take the money ,buy an annuity that will pay premiums
on long term care insurance for both you and you wife
any left over put in a 529 plan for your kids
write a letter to mom explaining what you have done
and thank her for making your family’s future a little more secure

I used this scenario as a “what if” discussion topic with my husband. The consensus in my house is this: If your marriage has a reasonable chace of lasting AND you want it to last, you cannot accept the gift under the present condition.

By hiding money from your partner at the behest of someone who hates her, you are essentially giving your silent but crystal clear agreement that your wife’s character is such that hiding money is called for. Is it?

Either way, a parent has the right to give a gift only to his/her child and not to the child’s partner. As many contributors have pointed out, there are many ways to do this legally without having to lie.

If your mother is unwilling to take a legal route and instead insists on the betrayal, then you have your answer. Your mother is not interested in your personal happiness, she is interested in controlling you and crushing your marriage with a well-timed reveal.

I hope you have the courage to find out the truth, and that you have enough clarity and peace of mind to avoid a short-sighted mistake.

Thank God I’m gay!!
This is the “family values” homophobes legislate about. Defence of marriage legislation should include defence from manipulative mothers and sissy mama’s boys.

It’s amazing how divisive this question is. I think it shows how greedy of a society we have become… Personally, it’s only money, and money definitely does not buy happiness. The question I would ask myself is: ”if roles were reversed how would I feel if my wife took a bunch of money from her family on the stipulation that I was not told of or included in that bequeath?” I would be disappointed, hurt, saddened, and angry, and I would not want to inflict those emotions on my loved one regardless.

Take the money!! If your mother is going to be that coniving, she deserves whatever happens to her. Take it, then after you have it, tell your wife. You need to look out for number 1 and the only way to do that is to take the money.

If your mother is bold enough to suggest you take the money without informing your wife, you must still be tired to her apron strings. Taking the money under these condtions will only play into mom’s plans to put a deeper wedge into your marriage.

the question is primarily concerning boundries and ones internal value system.It is right to tell the mother.. thank you for a generous offer of money yet being conditional it is not an act of love but disrepect to both the son and daughter-in-law.The husband should also tell his wife of the offer and the its rejection, so as to reinforce his love, respect for her and also to prevent his mother using his lack of open comunication to his wife as a lever.

Gen 2:24: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

Explain to your mother tactfully and lovingly that you cannot accept the offer and terms; it could, and probably would, drive a wedge in your marriage. Explain that while you do love her and understand her reasoning for such conditions, that it is not something you can do.

While monetary gifts are valuable resources, they are temporary. Marriage is a holy thing done by our creator and is far more valuable.

Take the money because: “The money made from a lie is more important tha the lie itself.” © Yadgyu

when you meet your mother in heaven, tell her you took the express route because you did the right thing…i suggest a good marriage consoler and prove to your mother why she is wrong.

Emotions aside, take the money make a trust fund in the name of your kids and tell your wife and mom.

Prefer a loss to a dishonest gain; the one brings pain at the moment the other for all time.
- Chilon

Your mom needs some counseling. This is not love, it’s manipulation.

Mom needs to learn what “love” really is. Putting strings on gifts is not love.

I was in a similar situation with a relative who wanted strings attached to the purchase of a house. I put everything I could in writing, but this person wanted more. When this person wanted me to choose between him/her and my family, I graciously declined and he/she ostracized me from my other family members by telling everyone I reneged on my end of the deal, which I did not.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

What your mom is doing is trying to sabotage your marriage. This is your commitment, and you are responsible for it, too.

Quit complaining and take the money, she may be your wife, but looks out for yourself. So what if Mom wants to play games, buy your wife some nice jewerly when she dies and say “Mother wanted you to have these”. Otherwise you’re acting like a little girl. And all you who keep talking about honesty and integrity, you must not be living in reality.

I can’t believe you would advise someone not to keep a confidence. A mother is entitled to give a gift ‘only’ to her child. You who live in community property states have problems with being able to be your own person without every part of your existence being co-mingled. Any wife worth keeping would understand the game the mother was playing if/when the truth came out and certainly not judge her husband to have been dishonest. He is entitled to please his mother and accept a gift without running home to the wife to confess his good fortune. It’s called respect. A marriage certificate does not make you bonded at the hip/mind/body. If your marriage is based upon respect for the other person as their own person, then there would never be a problem accepting the money.

Many of these comments are sickening.

You should always be loyal to your wife over your mother. Keeping a secret like this from your spouse would indicate that the marriage is not functioning as it should. Maybe you and your wife should consider counseling to improve the relationship.

Anways…you should always respect your mother, but she is asking you to be dishonest. She is also undermining your marriage, and a marriage will only survive if you take your wedding vows seriously (respect, honor, etc). You should only take the money if she removes the stipulations. Act honorably.

A lot of people take marriage lightly, like if the relationship should go bad, just get a divorce. I believe marriage is something one should only do once, unless you’re in an abusive situation, Preservation is the priority. If the money amount is big enough to retire on, then ask the mother to reconsider her terms. Otherwise suggest taking a bit of it to blow on a nice car or vacation & wait until inheritance for the remainder.

This is not a question about your wife and your mother, it’s a question about which means more to you, your integrety or money. If your integrety wins you can tell your mother “thanks for the offer, but I can’t accept it under those terms”, and try to work out terms that are acceptable to you and mom. If money wins please keep in mind that the memory of the decision, and what it means will still be there long after the money is gone. If you don’t like what the memory will be, and the fact that you are asking the question indicates you won’t, don’t take the money and force yourself to live with the consequences.

How much money is your mother trying to give you? Why not tell you wife and see if she can make a counter offer. Maybe she’s hiding money from you.

Your mother is PERFECTLY NORMAL for wanting to have stipulations for her award of her money. Millions of Americans do it with their requirements, using trust funds or other financial mechanisms. She should simply see an appropriate banker, lawyer or financial planner. No big deal.

Take the mopney. Most marriages end in divorce. You need a little side money as divorces are ugly and biased towards men. I am williing to bet you r wife has some quirks. If your mother does she is blood.

My parents threatened to write me out of their will if I married someone they did not approve of. I moved across the country and married someone I was happy with and loved, rather than someone who pleased my parents. It was best decision I ever made.

Reject any money that is used to control you or that leads to keeping secrets from your spouse. It’s not worth it.

ditch the wife,TAKE the money, move to Mexico, live like a KING and wait for MOM to kick…then have the rest of money wired to you in Mexico…now there’s a plan.

This could be my story. My husband’s mother made him force me to sign a pre-nup three days before we got married specifically so that any assets she gives him are only for the benefit of him and our children, but will never be mine. I have no idea if I signed away $1000 or $1M, but I didn’t care. Eight years later, we have a truce that is amicable, but not friendly, and she likes to make veiled comments to her son that I can overhear, but they both realize that I really don’t care since I have assets of my own that also, conveniently, were written in the language of the pre-nup (essentially, that we both got to keep what was ours or our family’s before the marriage separate - and little known or underestimated to them, I have my own nest egg).

Tell your wife you are going to accept your mother’s money with this intent to keep it separate (at least while she is alive). Don’t keep the secret, but if your mom’s wishes are that the wife doesn’t benefit, she still have the marital assets and her own to fall back in if there was a divorce (and make sure she gets 50% of that).

Explain to your Mother how disappointed you are in her for making the offer, and then tell her it is acts like that that destroy marriages and that you hope you can over come the bad DNA she has passed on to you and keep a happy marriage, then tell her you do well enough on your own and don’t need her money, and she should use the money to buy a life and stay out of yours!

It seems to me that the mother here is a sadly manipulative person who believes that it is okay to control her son through her money. I suspect the wife may have her own set of issues, chief among which was choosing to marry a mama’s boy who would even consider lying to his wife (and ommission in this case is would be a lie) as a viable option. There’s a big difference between telling your wife she looks beautiful when she has the flu, and not telling her about a gift of money with apron strings attached!

My parents tried control tactics similar to the mother here when my husband and I were first married, and even though I was too young and foolish to realize that it could have destroyed both relationships, I knew that owed my husband my loyalty. Now, 19 years later, I have a built a clear understanding with my parents as to the value of my marriage and their role in our family, and my husband knows that he can trust me. My parents and my husband have even learned to care for each other and we all respect each other. That only came through consistent, clear communication and boundaries.

BTW, as to the guy that said that the wife doesn’t belong in her husband’s business,I have a question: how many times have you been divorced? If you’re currently married, it shouldn’t take long to add another divorce to your record!

Discuss the situation with your wife and both of you decide.

Blood is thicker than water - you can replace your wife but your mother will always be your mother. She gave you life and so much more. Too many husbands forget where their real responsibilities lie.

When it comes to divorce, the justice system is bias against men. If you can think of a way to keep the money out of the wife reach. Take the money. After the divorce you can always use that money to “buy” yourself a younger and better looking girlfriend or wife if you are masochist.

Dump Claire, Moms know bad wives when they see them. Then take the money. If you take it before the dump, she owns half if you are in a community property state.

Take the money, go to Vegas and make one bet (black or red). If you win, pay back your mom and keep the profit. If you lose, big deal

take the money and tell your wife about it, then you two can laugh at your stupid mother

Wow - Lot’s of comments from guys. But Suzanne’s comment is good. Go with a trust fund. Not everyone has a good marriage. For those that do, there probably wouldn’t be a conflict between the two women. So I assume you have a rocky marriage and should keep the money and your mother’s confidence. If you have a strong marriage then you owe it to both your mother and wife to inform both of your intentions. Not everything is cut and dry as Fleming and Schwarz would have us believe. Sure, it’s grand to defend the institution of marriage but not everyone gets married for love. I can think of a number of reasons, not all of which are related to money.

Dude you made a huge blunder by marrying a woman who doesn’t get along with your family.

I would say…..Tell Claire about the offer, and not to say anything to mom, and then take the money and split it with your wife, that way she already has half and you can’t lose anything in divorce. If your mom brings it up later, Claire can just act suprised and upset and then she can “get over it” later.

Wow, I’ve heard of some manipulative mom stories, but that takes the cake!!

Spouse comes first above money, otherwise, what is the meaning of marriage and a partner for life? Putting money first makes for a very EMPTY life.

Your mother is obviously trying to ‘buy’ you. Shame on her! Seems like she is doing her best to help that divorce come about.

Marriage is about making someone your ‘partner’ in life. You should discuss things like this with your spouse. Buying her a great car, diamond earings or whatever, does NOT make up for a lie. I would take honesty over riches any day.

I think you should definately take the money. But, if you truely feel the way your mother feels about the divorce issue tell your mom to hold on to it in an account in her name, so that way the wife (or ex-wife) doesn’t see a dime!!! Mom is always right no matter how much you don’t want to believe it!!!!!

TAKE THE MONEY! Then take the wife on a vacation.

Don’t be a mama’s boy.
Tell your mom you cannot except that condition. Be truthful and respect her, if your mom loves you, she will do what you request.

The one thing the you did not reveal is the state of your marriage. If things are going well and you are happy then tell you mother that you cannot accept. If your marriage is not going well, then by all means accept. But, perhaps it is better if you deal with your marriage before accepting. If you are unhappy in your marriage, get out. Then accept the money.

take the money, and if you’re having a hard time with it send it to me….if Claire finds out about it and can’t get over it, dump her and find a new, younger version.

First off, the correct quote is “the LOVE of money is the root of all evil”, NOT “money is the root of all evil.”

If you propose the trust fund idea from previous posts to your mother you will find out your mom’s true intentions. Since a trust would protect the money if a divorce were to materialize then that should resolve her concern. If she is unwilling to give you the money under that setup then you will know that she is only doing it in order to cause problems between you and your wife. You shouldn’t however put any restricions on who or when the money can be used, only who is the trustee. Then you can use it as you see fit, (i.e. for your wife, a vacation, for your kids, etc.) but in the event of divorce any amount left would not be in question. That way your mom, who wants to make you happy by giving you money is satisfied because it can’t be taken away from you in the event of divorce, your wife should be happy because not only will your family be better off financially, she will see that you were unwilling to compromise her trust by keeping secrets, and you don’t have to do something foolish like give up a large inheritance over personality clashes.

Don’t take it.
No offense, but if your mom is capable of pulling a stunt like that, then I can see why Claire doesn’t like her.
It IS a bribe and its leverage that can be used on you later. Unless your mother wants to bestow a gift “no strings attached”…then leave the money alone. Gifts from my parents are never conditional.

Clair Shmair. Take the money.

Umm- the easy thing to do is just wait until mom dies and the money comes through inheritance.

I am feeling really sick to my stomach after reading some of the comments here.

The correct course of action that a real man would take is what is listed at the top of this column by Jeanne Fleming and Dr. Leonard Schwarz. It does not matter if it is $1 or $1 billion dollars. If you want to be a good, honorable man turn down the money. A man that other men would admire. A man with the qualities of the men that young girls fantasize about when they are dreaming up their future husbands.

If you want to be a cowardly, lonely(even if she doesn’t leave you and never finds out about it it will drive a wedge between you), unhappy man, a man who other men look down upon, then take the money.

Think of the men you looked up to as a child. Though your childs eye, would that fireman you wanted to be like do this? That policeman? How about John Wayne? Clint Eastwood? Chuck Norris? That sports hero? That nuclear physicist? Whoever it was. How would you have felt as a 12 year old to find out your father treated your mother with such disrespect? Would you admire him for it?

You also should seroiusly consider limiting your contact with your mother. Do not hate her or disrespect her but know her for what she is. She is thinking of herself.

Real men Do the Right Thing. Be a man.

Tell your mom that she’s evil, and that you can wait for her to croak to get the money if you have to….

~Bye

Tell you mother to keep the money and leave it to you as a bequest if she is so concerned. That way, if you get divorced, it will not become marital property. Also, as everyone else noted, have her set up a trust.
With divorce so prevalent, you mother is just trying to protect you. I hope that she is not right in her assessment of your wife, but in the event that she is, you need her watching out for you….

Take the money! You’ll need for that middle aged crisis car and a divorce lawyer.

This money is not an inheritence, and the wife would be entitled to half of it if a divorce happens. I would accept the money but not before telling my wife. I would then give it away to a charity or setup something for the kids (if any are involved) so it doesn’t look like it’s going to me alone. Therefore the wife can’t complain since it show compassion to the needy or the children. the mother can’t complain because you accepted it. If a divorce does happen, then you won’t lose it because it would go to the kids or a charity.

You don’t need mom’s money. If someone is using money to control you, even in the most benign way, then they’re just desperate. Tell Claire about the offer.

Why is this even a question, when you decided to get married Claire became your immediate family and number one priority. It’s apparent you really don’t value Claire as your wife if you are posing the question. Husband and wives don’t keep secrets and should not be telling lies, since we all know omission of the truth is the same as lying!

I am responding to the article about keeping a large gift a secret from one’s spouse. I was in a similar situation with my mom, just before she passed on. She liked my wife, but was worried about divorce.

I suggested that she set up a trust, where I can only access interest, but the principal amount remains until I turn 60. She liked the idea and that’s how it was set up for all of my siblings. In this manner, if a divorce occurred, my spouse wouldn’t have access to the principal amount.

How sad so many people think of money before they think of their spouse! Our spouse is our soulmate and our life partner. Our mother is our mother - and while we should be grateful for the life and upbringing she gave us, we are not spending the rest of our lives with her.

If this was me - I would simply tell my mother ‘thank’s anyway’. If my mother wants to sulk, than that is her choice. However, my wife (and children) will always come first, and I will not do anything to jeapordize the trust and love they have for me, and I for them. After all - isn’t that the vow I took on our wedding day!?

Lest we forget - money is the root of all evil and money does not buy happiness.

This is a sad state of affairs when so many people are encouraging you to take the money and forget your wife. Marriage is a sacred thing not to be taken lightly, either you love your wife or you don’t. If you love your wife, then you tell your mother thanks but no thanks, I’d rather keep my marriage, and cut off ties with mom. If you don’t love your wife, then tell her it’s over and move on, but either way you are going to lose someone. In truth, your mother sounds like a very cruel and selfish person. My advice, tell your mom to keep her money and take a hike.

I can’t believe some of these responses. It seems commitment and integrity mean nothing to mama’s boys.