Our mother’s last months in assisted living happier that her previous three years at home. My sister and I promised that we would take care of her, though she was getting frail and our healths were failing. We finally asked her to try assisted living for a month, and after three weeks she loved it. Her eyes were bright, she ate meals with her new friends and she was smiling until her death.

We both feel it was the best thing for our mother and that it was what we thought others would think of us for not taking care of her that held us back from doing it earlier.

Your Answer: Did our promise maker think that Mom would never grow older? Reneging on a promise because it has become difficult to keep is definitely unethical - especially when the person to whom it was made has unequivocally honored her end of the bargain. If this son or daughter wants to have a clear conscience, he or she is going to have to keep Mom in her own home until either she says she’s ready to leave or her doctor says she must.

This is mostly true in many conversations with families, and it has been found that talking with a doctor would be your only choice to look into and yes thinking of mom or dad getting old, do not fall into place when you’re young or just not paying attention to such. Then reality falls into place.

My mother stated to me “I will die in this house and I will not live in a small apartment.” What people are not stating in any of these comments is: What is the real truth about them being able to stay or not stay in their homes? Is there a family member living with the parent that is not fair and just?” What finances are you working with? What is really going on?

When you find yourself between a rock and a hard place - though you made a promise to do all you can for them to stay in their homes, you find yourself trying to find a way out for them because of such, but you also have to remember not put yourself out to the point your life starts going down hill.

What do you do - what promise do you wish to live with or you wish them to live with? - The promise to keep them in their home (materialistic) or the promise that their health and wellbeing is your concern, so they can enjoy what life they have left? This is that Rock and a Hard Place you’re between.

I hope we all find the answer.

Why not try and see if some of these rest/nursing home facilities can provide respite care? That would introduce her to the new plac. She may enjoy it so much that she wonders why she did not do it before. These places vary so much, and dont forget that if you move yourself it may be hard to move her away for visits etc. Also, places change and you need to keep an eye on what is provided and the care she gets when you are not around.
Check out the other residents too, because if they are not very mentally active that will have an effect on your Mum.
I lost my Mum when I was 14. I can only add that remember how lucky you are to have had her till now and cherish her becuase time goes so fast. Family has to come before work in many ways. Dont do anyting you may regret as you have to live with the guilt.

A fasinating scenario - outlining the limits of a promise, conditions on a promise, and so on.

“Expensive for her,” would argue that the benificent is having to spend money, but “merely,” time and energy (thus, though you don’t say it, diluting an inheritance)….

Not sure I understand “insist,”…. if Mom is legally capable, there is no “insisting,” just either a continuing desire to help, or a refusal to do so…..

Again, for the first time in the history of this column, a question thoughtfully posed without any miserably liberal pseudo-ethical interpretations attached.

Other than the answer you provided, of course, which in fact I agree with.

A Promise is a promise. No if’s and or buts about it. My Uncle who is retired, took care of his mother(My Grandmother) for 6 years when she broke her hip. She lived until she was 91 years old.

I also have a co-worker who hired a (nurse) to be home to take care of her mother when my co-worker is at work. The mother had a stroke. (currently age 80+)

This would be unheard of in other cultures.

What happens when Mom comes to the stage where she can no longer get out of bed without help and possibly falls and hurts herself? Is the poster physically able to to give 24 hour care or financially able to hire 24 hour care? We recently found that even though my sibling had promised our mother she would not go to a nursing home the sibling had been unaware at the time of the promise that her own health would deteriorate and she would not be able to afford 24 hour help. So Mom went to a home last week and she is very very bitter about it because she had been promised. This is a great question. It helps the readers realize that promises should NEVER be made that a parent will not be put into a home. Nobody can predict the future. Take more care about what you promise.

I personally experienced a similar situtaion to this. My mothers condition was deterating and I was working a full time job and could not provide the care she needed to stay indepently in her own home. My mother agreed to visit two assisted living facilities with my brother and I. However she was not ready for this next step. We hired a Home Health Agency, Prairie River Home Care, to visit mom three times a week. The visit on monday set up her medications for the week. ALl the other visits were simily to do light house cleaning, helping her with bathing and to socialize with mom. She was so happy with her caregiver that when her condition worsened she had no objections to her caregiver coming five times a week. We are very happy with the home care agency we choose. I am sure there are very reputatble agencies in all states.

There is the possibility of someone moving in with Mom to allow for a compromise for all, less difficulty for adult child and keep promise to Mom. I think first and foremost an honest talk with Mom that you had no idea what you were promising when you did, is in order…….move forward from there, but if Mom holds strong to her desire………follow through, after all you promised.

It is never wise to keep a promise for the sake of keeping a promise. Promises are not absolute. They are made with good intentions. But sometimes the burden of keeping a promise is just not worth it. It may hurt at first, but keeping this promise is pretty foolish, being that you are not a caregiver.

Remember “…you promised that you would do whatever might be necessary to make sure that she remained in her own home…”. There is only so much one can do before life for everyone is miserable. Trust me, the misery that you will suffer is not worth it. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first so that you can help others.

Promising to keep Mom or Dad “at home” doesn’t necessarily mean keeping them in their home but it does rule out a nursing home or assisted care facility unless you’re willing to live there with them. Try a compromise. We brought my Dad home to live with us. Neither he nor we were entirely happy but we kept our promise not to put him in a nursing home. Tough as it was we kept our promise and he was surrounded by family until he passed away.

This one’s easy because of the intital agreement. Hire a private-duty nurse to care for my Mom for as long as she needed the service.
My Uncle set-up a Hospice in his home, when my aunt was in her last stages.

Must keep Mom in her house. Go see a good estate attorney (which you should have at the beginning) to make her medicaid eligible and to shelter any other assets she wouold want to go to you. Do let her visit an assistaed living faciity though. We had an aunt who lived alone and once she saw all the social activity at the assisted living place (which is not at all like a nursing home), she wanted to move. But never make her move unles her physical/mental deterioration makes it unsafe to leave her at home.