Question: My mother wants to give me a large gift of money, but only on the condition that I keep it a secret from my wife. She has disliked Claire from the day they met (the feeling is definitely mutual), and she’s convinced that we will one day get a divorce. Should I accept the money from my mother? And if I do, should I keep the gift a secret from Claire?

Our answer: So how big’s the check? Just kidding. We’re sorry you’re in the unhappy position of having a wife and a mother who don’t care for each other. Regardless of what led the two of them to this animosity - or who, if anyone, is to blame - your mother is out of line in encouraging you to do something that shows a complete lack of respect for Claire, your marriage and yourself.

Because, make no mistake about it, what your mother is offering you is a bribe to take her side over your wife’s.

If you take the money and remain silent, you’ll have sold out Claire. Moreover, you’ll have handed your mother the opportunity to humiliate her daughter-in-law by revealing, if and when she chooses, that you and she keep secrets - important secrets - from Claire.

In short, accept your mother’s offer and you’ll be taking one very large step toward that divorce your mother is so looking forward to.

What about taking the money and telling Claire? While you wouldn’t be betraying your wife, you would be accepting your mother’s money under false pretenses, and that’s dishonorable. As underhanded as your mom is being, her machinations don’t give you a pass to lie or break your word.

Consider this scenario from Money Magazine’s nationwide survey of hundreds of adults:
Imagine that 10 years ago your elderly mother gave you a very generous amount of money, enough to enable you to buy a house. In return you promised that you would do whatever might be necessary to make sure that she remained in her own home for the rest of her life. But now your mother is getting frail, and keeping her in her home has become difficult and time consuming for you, not to mention costly for her. You want to move your mother into an assisted-living facility, but she wants to stay where she is. Under these circumstances, would it be wrong for you to insist that she move?

Here’s how the survey participants answered:
Definitely wrong: 34%
Probably wrong: 39%
Definitely not wrong: 5%
Probably not wrong: 22%

Our answer: Did our promise maker think that Mom would never grow older? Reneging on a promise because it has become difficult to keep is definitely unethical - especially when the person to whom it was made has unequivocally honored her end of the bargain. If this son or daughter wants to have a clear conscience, he or she is going to have to keep Mom in her own home until either she says she’s ready to leave or her doctor says she must.

Consider this scenario from Money Magazine’s nationwide survey of hundreds of adults: Imagine that you are in the process of selling your home. Your neighbor, who works at city hall, tells you that the city council is about to consider putting the phone and power lines in the neighborhood underground. If the project goes forward, it will make your neighborhood more attractive, but it will also require assessing each homeowner about $25,000. Would you tell prospective buyers that they might be faced with a $25,000 assessment if they buy your home?

Here’s how participants answered the question:

Yes, I would tell them: 60%
No, I would not: 40%

Our answer: There are many things sellers can keep to themselves, but a real possibility of a five-figure assessment isn’t one of them. So unless the neighbor is an unreliable gossip or there’s a reason to believe the city council is only toying with the idea of putting lines underground, the sellers are obligated to explain the situation to serious would-be buyers. After all, you can bet those sellers would want the person they buy their next home from to be just as forthcoming.